Fat Bastard quotes

I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs... Chili-i-i-i-i's Baby back ribs.

Mr. English Colonel, telling me to lose weight... Oh I'm a hard case he says, well listen up Sonny Jim, I ate a baby! Oh aye, baby! The other other white meat. Baby, it's what's for dinner!

[To Felicity] Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob! I've got bigger titties than you do! I've got more chins than a Chinese phone book! I've not seen my willy in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead! [On the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive...myself. [Farts] Sorry. I farted.

Get in my belly!

First things first. Where's your shitter?! I've got a turtle head poking out!

Dr Evil, I'll make you a deal. You keep your mojo, you keep your money, but I get your baby. (Licks lips)

[To Mini-Me] Come here! I'm bigger than you, I'm higher in the food chain! Get in my belly!

(After Felicity has kicked him in the genitals) Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h! Right in the Mummy-Daddy button!

Oh, is that all the thanks I get for the night of hot sex? I'm dead sexy, you were crap!

Austin: ("Vanessa" tries choking him) Vanessa! You're a fembot!
Vanessa: No shit, Sherlock! (throws Austin aside and releases machine guns in breasts)
Austin: Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?
Vanessa: Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.
Austin: Right. (to himself) Oh, my God!
("Vanessa" shoots her machine guns to Austin and stops firing as Austin uses the white flag to surrender)
Dr. Evil's voice: Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers. A kamikaze bride from me: Dr. Evil. (countdown reaches zero. Head explodes, destroying bits of the hotel room)
Austin: (unharmed, checks to see if his crotch is intact) Oh, thank God.

Jerry Springer: You know, what have we learned here today? Perhaps it's that no one can take your mojo. You can look around all you want, but what you're really tryin' to find is on the inside. Take care of yourself and each other.

Ivana: Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: Excuse me?
Ivana: Ivana Humpalot.
Austin: And Ivana Toilet-Seat-Made-Out-Of-Solid-Gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it? [laughs]

Ivana: Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin: Mm, I can guess, baby.
Ivana: We play chess.
Austin: I guessed wrong.

Dr. Evil: [with coffee on his nose] Frau Farbissina, Wie geht es Ihnen? (How are you)
Frau: Sehr gut, Herr Doctor. (Very good, Doctor.)
Dr. Evil: How are things?
Frau: I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. [reveals tough female] We met at the LPGA Tour. Her name is Unibrou. [Unibrou reveals her one-eyebrow]
Dr. Evil: Right on. Welcome Unibrou.
[Number Two looks around as if he thinks they're crazy]
Frau: Doctor, you, uh... [points to the nose]
Dr. Evil: What, what?
Frau: You've got a...little milk-nose...mustache.
Dr. Evil: [looks at himself in a mirror] I know, I know. I meant to. That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a Belgian Dip.

Austin: [Looking through binoculars around neck] Dr. Evil's headquarters is just over that next ridge.
Felicity: Let me look. [Pulls binoculars, with Austin, across]
Austin: Arrgh!
Felicity: Damn it! [Pulls binoculars down] How do we get in?
Austin: [Stuck in Felicity's cleavage] Hello, Mummy. Mummy, can I have some chocolate? I want some Mars bars!
Felicity: Austin?
Austin: Don't smack my bottom, mummy!
Felicity: Austin?
Austin: [Pulls himself up] Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows. Hmmm...
Felicity: Let's look at the map. [Drags Austin, by the binoculars, into a tentpole.]
Austin: Oh, blimey!

Austin: Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?
Felicity: You can start by buying me a drink.
[Austin exhales sharply and heavily]

Dr. Evil: [about his new "laser"] You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: Oh, nothing, Darth.
Dr. Evil: What did you call me?
Scott: Nothing. [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff.
Dr. Evil: Bless you.

Austin: Who sent you?!
Mustafa: You'll have to kill me.
Austin: Who sent you?!
Mustafa: Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin: Who sent you?!
Mustafa: Dr. Evil!
Felicity: That was easy.
Austin: That was easy.
Felicity: Why did you tell us?
Mustafa: I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa: You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
Austin: (quickly) Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!
Mustafa: Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.
Austin: Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa: (spits) I spit at the question.
Austin: Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?
Mustafa: Go to hell, Powers.
Austin: Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret... volcano... lair?
Mustafa: I will take it to the grave with me.
Felicity: AHA! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.
Mustafa: No, no, no! The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?", so that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Austin: He's right.

Dr. Evil: The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. So therefore, it is fitting to call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".
[Scott snickers]
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott: The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?

[Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside]
Austin: Cor blimey, Basil— this coffee smells like shit.
Basil: It is shit, Austin.
Austin: Oh good, then it's not just me. [he drinks and smacks his lips while everyone else there looks on with disgust] It's a bit nutty.

General Hawk: Sir, are you suggesting that we blow up the moon?
The President: Would you miss it?

Frau: You know I will never love another man.
Dr. Evil: ...Well, yes. That's true.

Felicity: What do you think of these, my man?
[Felicity exposes her breasts to the guard]
Guard: Mommy!
[Guard rushes foward and plunges to his death in hot magma]
Austin: What a... burn. [laughs]
Austin: That sort of thing could get a man... fired. [laughs]
Austin: I think he was... hot... for... you. [laughs]
Felicity: That's enough.
Austin: Yeah.

[Austin chases Dr. Evil who is wearing a space suit with helmet]
[Austin shoots and hits Dr. Evil in his thigh]
Austin: Gotcha!
[Dr.Evil sits up and switches on his speaker unit]
Dr.Evil: Owww! You shot me, you a-hole!
[Dr.Evil switches off his speaker unit]
Austin: And now I'm going to kill you!
[Dr.Evil switches on his speaker unit]
Dr.Evil: But before you do...
[Dr.Evil stands up and in a deep voice]
Dr.Evil: Know this. [pause]
Dr.Evil: Austin. [Heavy, Darth Vader style breathing/voice] I am your father.
Austin: Really?
Dr.Evil: [normal voice] No. Not really. I can't back that up.

(Frau shoots Austin's gun, Austin quickly drops his gun, Austin runs back to the main chamber to use the time machine)
Dr.Evil: (Without his speaker unit on. Mouths "Good work" to Frau.)
(Frau doesn't hear him)
Dr.Evil: (Still without his speaker unit on. Yells "Good work" to Frau, and is barely heard)
(Frau still doesn't hear him)
Dr.Evil: (Turns on his speaker unit.) (yells) Good work! (winces in pain at volume. Falls down)

Dr. Evil: [Dr. Evil and Scott are at the Jerry Springer Show] Hello, Scott. Daddy's back.
Scott: How could you do this to me? On national television?!
Dr. Evil: Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.
Scott: Why'd you run out on me?
Dr. Evil: Because you're not quite evil enough.
[audience starts "aw"ing]
Dr. Evil: [to audience] Well, it's true. [to Scott Evil] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie. Not evil enough.
Man with white hood (Apparently a member of the Ku Klux Klan): What are you, some kinda freak?!
[audience laughing]:
Scott: [stands up] Shut up, you (bleep)!
Dr. Evil: OK, come on.
Man with white hood: [stands up, too] I'll kick your (bleep), punk.
Scott: Bring it on, you skanky (bleep)!
Dr. Evil: No one talks to my son like that. It's okay, Scott. (to man with white hood) You mother(bleep)! (stands up and attacks man with white hood)
(audience going crazy, as well as numerous bleeping, Jerry's bodyguards stopping the fighting people):
Dr. Evil: (yelling at man with white hood) You were born in your mother's (bleep)!
Audience: (chant) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Fat Bastard: [Felicity kicks him in the crotch] Ohhh, right in the mummy-daddy button!"
Felicity: That's for calling me crap, ya fatty!
(Fat Bastard screams as he falls to the ground very hard)

Johnson: [Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar] Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Johnson: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--
Jet Pilot: Dick.
Dick: Yeah?
Jet Pilot: Take a look out of starboard.
Dick: Oh my God, it looks like a huge--
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Wait, that's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's--
Army Sergeant: Privates! We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with--
Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous--
Chinese Teacher: Wang, pay attention!
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying--
Musician: Willie.
Willie Nelson: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie Nelson: [squints] Well, that looks like a giant--
Colonel: Johnson?!
Johnson: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Later, as Dr. Evil is escaping: Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
Johnson: No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge--
Schoolteacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Otherwise known as tallywhacker, schlong or--
Dad: Weiner? Any of you kids want another weiner?
Son: Dad? What's that? points at rocket
Dad: I don't know, son, but it's got great big--
Peanut seller: Nuts! Hot salty nuts! Who wants some-- Lord Almighty!
Woman: That looks just like my husband's--
Ringmaster: One-eyed monster! Step right up and see the One-Eyed Monster!
One-eyed Monster: jumps out and scares crowd, then points to the rocket Hey, what's that? It looks like a big--
female Fan: Woody! Woody Harrelson? Can I have an autograph?
Woody Harrelson: Sure thing. [Sees rocket] Oh my lord.
Female fan: It's big!
Woody: Nah, I've seen bigger, it's--
Dr. Evil: (To Mini-Me) Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space.

Fat Bastard: You want some chicken? I have more!
Felicity: No, thanks...
[Fat Bastard rolls over to get more food at the side of his bed. Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse and notices an opening in his ass]
Basil: [voice-over, via Felicity's memory] Remember, by any means necessary.
[Felicity sticks it in his anus]
Fat Bastard: Oooooh, frisky are we? Give it up! [He rolls on top of her and she yelps]

Fat Bastard: Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here.
Dr. Evil: It's the volcanic sulphurous emissions. We've put up some air fresheners.
Fat Bastard: Great, now it smells like someone took a shit in a pine tree.

Dr. Evil: Fire the laser!
[shows a clip of the UFO from "Independence Day" blowing up the White House]
The President: [ducks under the desk] Damage report! Damage report!
[the staff realizes everything's okay]
General: It's okay. Everything's okay.
Dr. Evil: Actually, that was just a clip from the movie "Independence Day", but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah.

Robin Swallows: My name is Robin Swallows, maiden name Spitz.
Austin: Well, which one is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?

(As Robin Swallows and Austin fall from Austin's apartment.) Robin Swallows: The fall will kill us both, Powers!
(Austin moves Swallows in front of him to both break his fall and kill her as well. They land hard on the sidewalk.) Robin Swallows: You can't win, Powers.
(Patty O'Brien looks over the edge, reloads his submachine gun and opens fire.) Austin: Why won't you die?!

Number Two: Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil: (smug laugh to himself) Why make trillions when we could make... (zoom up, play evil sound bite, and pause) Billions? (he happily grins)
Scott: A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.
Dr. Evil: All right, zip it.
Scott: You- you can't even--
Dr. Evil: Zip it! Zi-i-ip.
Scott: Look, all I'm-
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.
Scott: Number Two, would you please back me-
Dr. Evil: Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!
Scott: Argh, I can't--
Dr. Evil: (to Devo's "Whip It") When a problem comes along, you must zip it! (imitates whip) Zip it good!
Scott: Frau, would you please-
Dr. Evil: (speaks faux Japanese)... Subtitle: "Zip it".
Scott: I'm just trying to-
Dr. Evil: Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?
Scott: I want--
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott: Stop.
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: All you--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: You--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: You're like a child!
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: Talk--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: If you just--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: Just--
Dr. Evil: (speaking gibberish)
Scott: One time--
Dr. Evil: Zip it. Unveil the time portal.

Scott: Mom?
Frau: Scott, you are my love child with Dr. Evil.
Scott: I thought I was a test-tube baby.
Frau: Lies. ALL LIES!!!!
(Jerry Springer and the audience are shocked at said shout)

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