Most scenes together: Marty Kantrowitz & Pearl Kantrowitz (2)
I never have to listen to you ever again. I saw you. I was there. You should have seen yourself. You looked disgusting! I'm the teenager! Not you! You had your chance.
No. I didn't.
Well then why do the rest of us have to suffer just because you **** up your life!
What is it, my shainehkuh, huh? What is it my darling?
Oh, my God. Mazel tov!
Why'd you hit me?
It's a tradition. My mother, your great-grandmother, Sonia - may she rest in peace - she did the same thing to me.
It's a stupid tradition.
It's the stupidest goddamn tradition. It's true. You know what I did? I slapped her right back.
Ow! Bandeet!
What's going on in here?
Pearl...
What?
I got news. Today Alison became a woman.
You see, my shainehkuh. You become a woman, the world looks brighter.
Don't tell Daddy I got my period.
P.A. Announcer Long-distance telephone call for Alison Kantrowitz. It's your father! You're a woman now, Alison. Mazel tov, darling. And may you be blessed with a happy marriage and many, many beautiful children.
[Alison, mortified, runs off]
Who is he?
You don't know him.
Well what's his name?
Walker.
What's his FIRST name?
That IS his first name.
Well then what's his last name?
Jerome.
Walker Jerome. Does he realize it's backwards? What's he do?
He's a salesman.
Blouses.
Blouses?
He's the blouseman. You're screwing the blouseman. Jesus, Pearl, why not screw the dressman? At least then you'd get a whole outfit.
I went to Woodstock.
You went to Woodstock.
Ummm...
Was it groovy?
Let's do "Chuck".
No "Chuck". We don't do "Chuck".
You never let me do "Chuck".
When you're married you can do "Chuck".
[mom raps dad in the arm, smiling]
Do you remember when you were a little boy and you wanted to go swimming with your cousin?
Yeah - you didn't wanna let me go because...
Because I knew something terrible was going to happen. I knew your cousin was gonna drown.
Yeah, but nothing terrible happened, Ma.
And why is that?
Because I was careful.
No. Why did nothing terrible happen?
We were extra careful because you told me.
And your cousin wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for me.
What's goin' on, Ma? Who's gonna drown?
You are.
