You know, there were times when I was doing Jack that I actually felt ****. Like, really ****. I mean, I brushed my teeth ****, I rode the bus ****.
In a weird way, I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that it was okay to be stupid or dumb.
Like the dumbest mother****er that ever lived.
When I was playing the character.
When you was the character.
Yeah, as Jack, definitely.
Jack, stupid ass Jack. Trying to come back from that.
In a weird way it was almost like I had to sort of fool my mind into believing that it wasn't ****. And by the end of the whole thing, I was like, "Wait a minute, you know, I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jump-start it up again?" It's just like... Right?
You was farting in bathtubs and laughing your ass off, hm?
Yeah. But Simple Jack thought he was smart. Or rather, didn't think he was ****, so you can't afford to play ****, being a smart actor. Playing a guy who ain't smart but thinks he is, that's tricky.
It's like working with mercury. It's high science, man. It's an art form.
Hm. That's what we do, right?
Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit.
You're serious? You don't know? Everybody knows you never go full ****.
Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man. Looked ****, act ****, not ****. Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not ****. Then you got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. Slow, yes, ****, maybe, braces on his legs, But he charmed the pants off Nixon, and he won a Ping-Pong competition. That ain't ****. [theatrical cut only] Peter Sellers, Being There. Infantile, yes, ****, no. [director's cut only] And he was a goddamn war hero. You know any **** war heroes? [both cuts] [silence] You went full ****, man. Never go full ****. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam. Remember? Went full ****, went home empty-handed.
[The Tropic Thunder production crew have a video conference with studio exec Les Grossman]
I see you. I see you. I see you. Which one of you ****faces is Damien Cockburn?
Damien Cockburn Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time.
And who here is the key grip? [the key grip raises his hand] You? You! Hit that director in the face, really **** hard!
KG Key Grip
[reluctantly walks over to Damien]
Sorry, man. [punches him in the face]
This is all your fault, you Limey ****! You shit the money-bed, my friend.
Damien Cockburn What?
Rob Slolom God damn it, Damien! with all due respect, Les Grossman did not blow up the jungle.
Damien Cockburn What?
Rob Slolom Exactly! come on, man.
Damien Cockburn Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry, but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas! clowns! Tugg Speedman, he can't cry! he can't cry!
You know how you handle an actor? they whine about anything, you pull down their pants and you spank their ass.
Rob Slolom You spank that ass, Les.
Damien Cockburn What?
Four-Leaf Tayback Spanking a child turns him into a snot. Fear, that's what makes him a man. I know a place where a man's worth is measured by the ears hanging off his dog tags. The real hardcore shit! You wanna make this movie right? That's where you take your pansy ass actors.
Rob Slolom Les, that's Four Leaf.
Four Leaf Tayback Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.
Wow. You're a great American. This nation owes you a huge debt. Now shut the **** up and let me do my job! Look, Cockburn.
Damien Cockburn Yes.
From now on, my fist is gonna be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring. Take control of your actors, or I will shut you down. Diet Coke!
Alpa Chino As for why I'm in this movie, maybe I just knew I had to represent. Cause they one good part in this movie for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.
Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.
Chino I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your Barbie.
Chino I'm just **** with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry if a dingo ate yo baby.
You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid. You about to cross a **** line.
Kevin Sandusky Hey guys could we just cool it...
Chino You know what, **** that, I'm sick of this koala-hunting ****- [Kirk slaps Alpa. Alpa tries to punch Kirk but Kirk grabs his fist and pulls him in and embraces him.]
For 400 years, that word has kept us down.
Chino [confused]
...what the ****!?
Took a whole lot of tryin, just to get up that hill, but now we up in the big leagues...
Chino [Breaks away from Kirk]
That's the theme songs from The Jeffersons. You really need help!
Just cause it's a theme song doesn't mean it's not true.
Damien Crisis meeting? What does that mean, exactly? I mean, you know, are we in a crisis?
Rob He's the head of the studio. He's reaching out. We're 10,000 miles away. He just wants a little face-time.
Damien I know. It's just you said he called it a crisis meeting. So, you know...
Rob It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around. "Crisis," "explosion," "not rolling," "fired." These are just words.
The universe is talking to us right now. You just gotta listen.
[Grossman plays "Low" by Flo Rida in his music player, and he and Slolom begin dancing. Pecker is confused.]
See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is when the job gets fun.
Rob Slolom Mmm, yeah.
Ask, and you shall receive.
Slolom All right!
You play ball, we play ball. [Slolom nods. Grossman begins dancing like he's slapping ass.] I know you want the goodies. Mmm!
Slolom Welcome to the goodie room.
You payin' attention? 'Cuz I'm talkin' G5, Pecker. That's how you're gonna roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boi. Oh yeah. Playa. Playa. Big dick playa.
Slolom Swingin' past your knees.
Slolom Yup.
[Grossman stops the music.]
Or, you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.
Rick "Pecker" Peck [Pecker stands up and faces Grossman.]
Let me get this straight. You want me to let my client of fifteen years, one of my best friends, die in the jungle alone for some money and a G5.
Yes. And lots of money. Playa.... [Grossman starts the music again, and he and Slolom start dancing again.]
Slolom Yeah! Smack it up, flip up, rub it down, hoo!!
I don’t believe you people!
Huh! What do you mean, “you people”?
Chino [silence]
What do YOU mean, “you people”!?
Sandusky I... I think what, uh, Tugg means is, “you people”, “you actors”.
[Kirk, Alpa, Kevin, and Jeff start yelling due to the frustration of being lost in the jungle, until Tugg fires his prop gun to calm everyone down]
Chill! Alright? Just chill it! Now, let’s go get those Vietcongs.
Chino Vietcong!
Chino It’s “Vietcong”, there’s no ‘s’, it’s already plural. You wouldn’t say “Chineses”.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom Wow. Eight Oscars, 400 million dollars at the box office, and you saved Tugg Speedman's career.
I couldn't have done it without you.
Slolom Really?
No, dickhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Slolom I wouldn't do that.
Slolom Ah, there he is! Funny. You're a funny guy.
Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.
Cody [Cody and Tayback are tied to a post in the Flaming Dragon compound]
Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?
Four-Leaf Tayback I have no idea, I've never been outside the States.
Cody Wait what?! Are you **** kidding me?! Did you make this whole goddamn thing up?! Dude you weren't even in the **** service?!
Tayback Yes! Of course! Coast Guard!
Cody Coast Guard.
Tayback Sanitation Department.
Cody Oh my God! You're a **** garbage man! Dammit! F.L. Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn U.S. of A.
Tayback I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot.
Cody Yeah, you're the Milli Vanilli of patriots okay? You lied about fighting in the Vietnam War. It's like - It's like punching the American flag in the face goddammit! God, to think I believed you!
Tayback Writers lie all the time!
Cody [a guard bursts in]
Can I be tied to another post please?
Jeff Portnoy [Lazarus and the gang are preparing their options for infiltrating the Flaming Dragon camp]
So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Portnoy How the hell do you know Chinese?
Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
[The Tropic Thunder production crew have a video conference with studio exec Les Grossman]
I see you. I see you. I see you. Which one of you ****faces is Damien Cockburn?
Damien Cockburn Uh, that's me, sir. It's an honor to finally meet you. Get some face time.
And who here is the key grip? [the key grip raises his hand] You? You! Hit that director in the face, really **** hard!
KG Key Grip
[reluctantly walks over to Damien]
Sorry, man. [punches him in the face]
This is all your fault, you Limey ****! You shit the money-bed, my friend.
[incensed at Flaming Dragon's demands]
Okay, Flaming Dragon. ****face. First, take a big step back... and literally **** YOUR OWN FACE! Now, I don't know what kind of pan-Pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but Asia, Jack, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again. Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly **** firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the **** United Nations and get a **** binding resolution to keep me from **** destroying you. I am talking scorched earth, mother****er! I will massacre you! I WILL **** YOU UP! [hangs up; to assistant] Find out who that was.
Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man. Looked ****, act ****, not ****. Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not ****. Then you got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. Slow, yes, ****, maybe, braces on his legs, But he charmed the pants off Nixon, and he won a Ping-Pong competition. That ain't ****. [theatrical cut only] Peter Sellers, Being There. Infantile, yes, ****, no. [director's cut only] And he was a goddamn war hero. You know any **** war heroes? [both cuts] [silence] You went full ****, man. Never go full ****. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam. Remember? Went full ****, went home empty-handed.
