[on video]
Howdy, stranger! This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself and you've got a wet towel around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise: you are not you, you're me.
All my life I worked for Mars Intelligence. I did Cohaagen's dirty work. But a few weeks ago I met somebody, a woman, and I learned a few things, like I'd been playing for the wrong team. All I can do now is try to make up for it. [points to his head] See, there's enough shit in here to **** Cohaagen good! But unfortunately, if you're listening to this, that means that he has got to me first. And here comes the hard part, old buddy - now it is all up to you.
First, let's git rid of that bug in your head. [shows the nose device] Take this out of the case, and stick it up your nose. Don't worry, it's self-guiding. Just shove real hard.
[Quaid takes a deep breath, and reluctantly sticks the device up his nose]
When you hear a crunch, you're there. Now, pull it out. Be careful! That's my head, too.
[Hauser grins while Quaid groans in pain and pulls out the bug]
Now this is the plan: get your ass to Mars, and go to the Hilton and flash the Brubaker I.D. at the desk. That's all there is to it. Just do what I tell you, and you can nail that son of a bitch who **** you and me. I'm counting on you, buddy. Don't let me down!
