Major John Reisman You've seen a general inspecting troops before haven't you? Just walk slow, act dumb and look stupid!
Played by Lee Marvin 
The Dirty Dozen (1967) · 19 quotes
The Dirty Dozen (1967) · 19 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Dirty Dozen (1967): in 13 of its 19 quotes
Most scenes with: Samson Posey (2)
I never went in for embroidery, just results.
More lines from Major John Reisman
2 quotes Major John Reisman Major John Reisman You know what to do, free the French and shoot the Germans!
Scenes with Major John Reisman
10 scenes Major John Reisman [Kinder has just finished a psychiatric evaluation of Reisman's troops]
So what does that give you?
Capt. Stuart Kinder Doesn't give me anything. But along with these other results, it gives you just about the most twisted, anti-social bunch of psychopathic deformities I have ever run into! And the worst, the most dangerous of the bunch, is Maggott. You've got one religious maniac, one malignant dwarf, two near-idiots... and the rest I don't even wanna think about!
Major John Reisman Well, I can't think of a better way to fight a war.
Capt. Stuart Kinder These people don't know their enemy is the Germans. They think the enemy is their own United States Army!
Major John Reisman Maybe that's because the Germans haven't done anything to them yet.
Major John Reisman Any questions?
Suh? Do we have to eat with ****hs?
Sergeant Clyde Bowren [Jefferson jumps Maggot] [as Reisman exits the room]
What's going on, sir?
Major John Reisman Oh, the gentleman from the South had a question about the dining arrangements. He and his comrades are discussing place settings now.
Major John Reisman Which one of you guys wants to be a general? [Pinkley raises his hand] Pinkley?
Pinkley What kind of general, sir?
Major John Reisman Just a plain, ordinary, every day, home-lovin' American general.
Pinkley I'd rather be a civilian, sir.
Major John Reisman Posey, what did they lock you up for? I mean, what did you do?
I already told you that sir.
Major John Reisman Well tell me again. I'm sure your friends over here would like to know too.
This fella kept pushing me. I don't like to be pushed so I hit him.
Major John Reisman Killed a man with your bare hands because he shoved you?
I only hit him once.
Major John Reisman Only him him once. And drove his jawbone right through his brain because he pushed him.
Major John Reisman How come you speak German?
My old man came from Silesia. He didn't speak German, he didn't dig coal. If he didn't dig coal, he didn't eat.
Col. Everett Dasher Breed Reisman! Some people may consider you a first-class officer. But as far as I'm concerned, you're a disorganized, undisciplined clown. I'm gonna' make it my business to run you out of this Army.
Major John Reisman I owe you an apology, colonel. I always thought that you were a cold, unimaginative, tight-lipped officer. But you're really quite emotional, aren't you?
I don't want to hurt you Major.
Major John Reisman You're not gonna hurt me, I'm gonna hurt you.
Major John Reisman What do you think, Sergeant?
Sergeant Clyde Bowren I think you'll do just fine, sir.
Major John Reisman [emphatically]
Don't give me that! I said what do you think?
Sergeant Clyde Bowren I think the first chance one of those lovers gets, he's going to shoot the Major right in the head... sir.
Major John Reisman lt confirms a suspicion l've had for some time now, sir.
Think we might share that suspicion? l think you should.
Major John Reisman Since we are over here to try to win the war, it shouldn't be advertised that someone we work for is a raving lunatic.
Major John Reisman [briefing the dozen]
And kill any officer in sight.
Ours or theirs?
