Swimming with Sharks 1994 quotes

Buddy Ackerman

Excuse me — what is this?

Guy

Sweet-N-Low.

Buddy

No! this is not Sweet-N-Low, this is Equal, the blue packet. Sweet-N-Low is pink. See, Equal blue, Sweet-N-Low pink, its not the same thing, is it?

Guy

I think they both contain the same...

Buddy

What Equal contains is none of my concern here! I don't care if it has **** fairy dust in it. What I am concerned with is detail. I asked you go get me a packet of Sweet-N-Low. You bring me back Equal. That isn't what I asked for. That isn't what I wanted. That isn't what I needed and that shit isn't going to work around here!

Guy

I, I just thought...

Buddy

You thought. Do me a **** favor. Shut up, listen, and learn. Look, I know that this is your first day and you don't really know how things work around here, so I will tell you. You have no brain. No judgement calls are necessary. What you think means nothing. What you feel means nothing. You are here for me. You are here to protect my interests and to serve my needs. So, while it may look like a little thing to you, when I ask for a packet of Sweet-N-Low, that's what I want. And it's your responsibility to see that I get what I want.

Buddy

Get me packed up, I gotta get to services.

Guy

What services? Who died?

Buddy

No one... yet. It's Yom Kippur, you idiot.

Guy

Oh, I didn't realize Ackerman was a Jewish name.

Buddy

It's Jewish enough, especially when the big players are involved. [sarcastically] Besides, I have a sudden need to atone for my sins.

Buddy

What, you think somebody just handed me this job? I've handled the phones, I've juggled the bimbos, I've put up with the tyrants, the yellers, the screamers. I've done more than you can even imagine in that small mind of yours. I paid my dues!

Guy

I didn't spend one year...

Buddy

And I spent 10! Dammit, it's my turn to be selfish! it's my turn. That's the trouble with your whole MTV, microwave dinner generation. You want it all now. You think you deserve it just because you want it? It doesn't work like that. You have to earn it, you have to take it, you have to make it yours. but before you do that, Guy, you need to decide what it is you really want.

Guy

I want you to stop calling me in the middle of the night! I want you to stop sending me the **** office for your goddamn phone numbers or your **** sunglasses! I want my life back!

Buddy

What life? I gave you life. Before me, you were nothing. Before me, you were an ink spot, and now you're playing in the majors! I made you. You will always be "Guy from Buddy Ackerman's office"! You wanna go back to your shitty little existence? Go ahead. Leave. There's the door. No one's stopping you. You could have left any day, but you stayed. So let's just forget the Dudley-damn-Doright crap, because out here it's kill your parents, **** your friends, and have a nice day!

Buddy

You wanna talk big directors? Think Attenborough, think Spielberg, think Lean.

Guy

Lean's dead.

Buddy

No, he's not, don't you ever say that! He's just... unavailable.

Guy

That's a bagel stain.

Dawn

Bagel stain?

Guy

I put too much cream cheese on Buddy's bagel and he threw it at me. But I learned a very valuable lesson... never put too much cream cheese on Buddy's bagel.

Guy

That's another thing. All this time that I've worked for you, I still don't know a thing about your ex-wife. Jesus, there's not even a trace or a picture in the whole house. Was she beautiful?

Buddy

Yes.

Guy

Did you love her?

Buddy

Yes.

Guy

How nice. When she coming home? [lights a cigarette] I forgot, she left you.

Buddy

What do you want?

Guy

What do I want? What do I want? [thinks for a moment] Tell me a story. Tell me about a young Buddy in love with a woman who just didn't want him. Was it a painful separation? Did you find her in the passionate throes of a secret lover? Did you take it from everything she had? Or did the lousy bitch only get half?

Buddy

She died.

Guy

Oh. [sarcastically] Well, is that all? Well, boo-hoo! What a line. "My wife just died, can you come home with me. Hold me. Love me. **** me." Christ, you are such an asshole!

Buddy

Christmas eve, twelve years ago. She was on her way to the mall. I was supposed to have gone with her. We hadn't started our Christmas shopping yet, but it was going to be simple, just some stuff for our parents. Money was tight and shopping was a hassle anyway. We even promised not to give each other gifts. On the way, there was a car that had broken down, Mallory pulled over to help. I always told her that she was such a busybody, but she called it "just being nice". She got out and asked if everything was all right, or something stupid. Anyway, it was a scam, bunch of punk kids stealing cars. They shot her. [pause] And all this time, I was stuck at the office wrapping Christmas gifts for my boss. A lot of gifts, we had a good year, that year - I was there till 3 A.M. And the whole time I'm thinking to myself, "Oh boy, she is gonna be pissed. When I get home, I am a dead man". [pause] Anyway, I got home, got the message, went down to the hospital to identify her. It was a whole week into the new year before I found them, these stupid wind up toys and a note: "In the constant rat race of life, don't ever forget to unwind". [pause] She was never any good at writing notes.

Guy

Look, I didn't know...

Buddy

Oh, Guy didn't know! imagine that! Boy genius here didn't know something!

Dawn

Guy, it's not what you think.

Buddy

Oh, really? Well, what are we supposed to think? A young, eager producer comes up to the house of a top executive for a midnight rendezvous? She's right, Guy, it's not what you think. She's definitely not selling Girl Scout cookies!

Guy

I want you, to think and remember, every insult, every offence, everything you have ever taken away from me. Think to yourself. Its pay back time.

Guy

It makes me feel so much better.

Buddy Ackerman

Avoid women directors. They ovulate. Do you have any idea what that does to a three month shoot?

Buddy Ackerman

If they can't start a meeting without you, well, that's a meeting worth going to, isn't it? And that's the only kind of meeting you should ever concern yourselves with.

Buddy Ackerman

Look, I can appreciate this. I was young too, I felt just like you. Hated authority, hated all my bosses, thought they were full of shit. Look, it's like they say, if you're not a rebel by the age of 20, you got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by 30, you've got no brains. Because there are no story-book romances, no fairy-tale endings. So before you run out and change the world, ask yourself, "What do you really want?"

Buddy Ackerman

Once you get past the "oops, he caught us" stage and realize we're both ****, let me know, okay?

Buddy Ackerman

Say this one time with me: "Would you like that in a pump or a loafer?"... Good. Now memorize it, because starting now, the only job that you're going to be able to get on this planet or any other planet is selling SHOES!

Buddy Ackerman

This is the only way that you can hope to survive. Because life... is not a movie. Everyone lies. Good guys lose. And love... does not conquer all.