Jay That's what I'm trying to tell you, what women are looking for: pecs and a cute butt.
You mean like, "He has the cutest butt"?
Jay Yeah.
Where did I hear that recently?
Jay Everywhere. You can't even turn on the news nowadays without hearing about how some babe thought some guy's butt was cute. Who the first woman to say this was, I don't know, but somehow it caught on.
Jay [Jay stops walking, examines Sam's backside]
Not bad.
Jay Yeah.
Jay I don't know. Are we grading on a curve?
He's not sane enough to judge anything. Now he's kissing her on the lips. She's a ho! My dad's been captured by a ho! What am I going to do?
Dr. Marcia Fieldstone Jonah, calm down. Tomorrow, when you're sitting down to breakfast, tell him how you feel. It's not good to keep your feelings inside you.
[Jonah hangs up, then screams]
B Barbara
I was in Atlantic City with my family. Cliff was a waiter. He wasn't even supposed to work that night, and suppose he hadn't? He asked me to take a midnight walk on the Steel Pier. I've probably told you this a million times, but I don't care. And then he held my hand. At one point I looked down and I couldn't tell which fingers were his and which were mine. And I knew.
B Barbara
Magic. It was magic.
B Barbara
I knew we would be together forever, and that everything would be wonderful, just the way you feel about Walter. Walter. It's quite a formal name, isn't it?
Dr. Marcia Fieldstone People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife?
Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine.
Dr. Marcia Fieldstone What are you going to do?
Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
Dr. Marcia Fieldstone Tell me what was so special about your wife?
Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic.
I'm going with Victoria. Yes.
[Jonah heads to his room]
Don't try anything tricky, understand?
[Jonah slams his door] [walks to Jonah's room]
Don't go rolling in poison ivy as soon as I leave the house. You lock yourself in a closet or do anything, make sure you'll need stitches. If your finger falls off, it's staying off. No one's gonna pack it on ice and take you to the hospital, so you can be a breakthrough in laser surgery. Is this about that woman in Baltimore?
[Sam leaves the room and closes the door]
I don't care what you do!
Good! Fine! I'll tell you what I'm doing this weekend, I'm getting laid. It's the 1990's and nobody's getting laid. I'm the only man in America who's getting laid this weekend and I haven't been laid that much. Six girls in college, maybe seven. [sees Jonah standing in the doorway] How long have you been standing there?
What did you just hear me say?
Six girls in college, maybe seven.
Seven... EIGHT! Mary Kelly.
[holds Annie's letter]
This is the one I like!
Jonah, the fact is, you're not gonna like any woman, because that isn't your mother.
How do you know?! What's wrong with Annie?!
Shut up? Shut up?! Mom never said "shut up" to me! Mom never yelled at me!
This conversation is finished.
Why can't we go to New York?
There is no way that we're going on a plane to meet some woman who could be a crazy, sick lunatic! Didn't you see Fatal Attraction?
Well I saw it and it scared the shit out of me! It scared the shit out of every man in America!
I'm not leaving until you say "yes".
[Sam closes his bedroom door on Jonah]
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
That's good, you'll have a lot to tell Oprah how your Dad destroyed your life because he had to go off for a weekend special at the Holiday Inn!
[about Annie]
She wants to meet me at the top of the Empire State Building. On Valentine's Day.
Suzy It's like that movie.
Suzy An Affair To Remember. Did you ever see it? Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr. She's gonna meet him at the top of the Empire State Building... only she got hit by a taxi. And he waited and waited. And it was raining, I think. And then... she's too proud to tell him... that she's, uh... [starts to cry] crippled. And he's too proud to find out why she doesn't come. But he comes to see her anyway. I forget why, but, oh... Oh, it's so amazing when he comes to see her because... [crying more] he doesn't even notice that she doesn't get up to say hello. And he's very bitter. And you think that he's just gonna walk out the door... and never know why she's just lying there, you know, on the couch... with this blanket over her shriveled little legs. [sobbing]
Greg She's fine.
Suzy Suddenly he goes, "I already sold the painting." And he like goes to the bedroom... and he looks and he comes out and he looks at her and he kind of just... They know and then they hug. And it's so... [trails off crying]
Well I'm not looking for a mail-order bride! I just want somebody I can have a decent conversation with over dinner. Without it falling down into weepy tears over some movie!
Greg She's, as you just saw, very emotional.
Although I cried at the end of The Dirty Dozen.
Greg Who didn't?
Jim Brown was throwing these hand grenades down these airshafts. And Richard Jaeckel and Lee Marvin [Begins to cry] were sitting on top of this armored personnel carrier, dressed up like Nazis...
Greg [Crying too]
Stop, stop!
Greg Yes, Trini Lopez!
He busted his neck while they were parachuting down behind the Nazi lines...
Greg Stop.
And Richard Jaeckel - at the beginning he had on this shiny helmet...
Greg [Crying harder]
Please no more. Oh God! I loved that movie.
I'd much rather just see somebody I like, and get a feeling about them, and ask them if they want to have a drink.
Not dinner. Not necessarily on the first date because halfway through dinner you could be really sorry you asked them to dinner. Whereas if it's just a drink, if you like them you can always ask them for dinner but if not, you can just say, "Well, that was great," and then you go home. If you see what I mean. [beat] I wonder if it still works this way.
It doesn't. They ask you.
I'm starting to notice that.
