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Hilary Faye

View Quote Cassandra: Hey, isn't that --
Roland: Mary?? What's she doing downtown?
Cassandra: There's only one reason Christian girls come down to the Planned Parenthood!
Roland: She's planting a pipe bomb!?
Cassandra: Well, two reasons.
Roland: With Dean? I think there's a better chance of that pipe bomb.
View Quote Cassandra: You can tacky up prom on your own. I quit!
Hilary Faye: Oh my gosh, you can't quit!
Cassandra: Watch me! Watch me walkin' away! Watch me walkin' away from Jesus!
View Quote Hilary Faye: [after Roland spills sauce onto her pants] Do you wanna go wait in the van again? Do you know these are new pants! You're handicapped but get it together.
Cassandra: Hey, Roland, how about we get outta here and you can give me a little spin in that thing? Release his parking brake, Hilary "Fake."
Hilary Faye: [to Cassandra] You smell like Tia's dad, have you been drinking? [camera shows Tia with a sour look on her face]
View Quote Hilary Faye: You know, smoking isn't just bad for you; it's bad for all of us. Secondhand smoke kills.
Cassandra: I'm counting on it. [throws the lit cigarette at Hilary Faye]
View Quote Lillian: I keep trying to remind myself that when Jesus closes a door he opens a window.
Mary: Yeah, so we have something to jump out of.
View Quote Mary: [about the Virgin Mary] I know this is wrong, but do you ever wonder if she just made the whole thing up? I mean, it's a pretty good one. It's not like anyone can ever use virgin birth as an excuse again. [pause] I don't really think she made it up, but I can understand why a girl would.
View Quote Mary: So, what do you think of the new ride?
Veronica: Oh, you're so lucky, Hilary Faye.
Hilary Faye: Yeah. I could have had a Lexus Gold Edition, you know. [indicating Roland]
Veronica: Wow. Roland is blessed with such a thoughtful sister. In countries like China, Hilary Faye probably would have been killed at birth.
Hilary Faye: Yeah... and then where would you be, Roland?
Roland: [deadpan] China.
View Quote Mary: Why would Dean's parents send him to a place like that?
Lillian: They probably didn't think they could handle it.
Mary: What do you mean?
Lillian: Well, having a child is like owning a car. I can change the oil, fill the gas tank, take it to a car wash, but if the carburetor broke, I wouldn't have a clue as to how to fix it.
Mary: So, you're saying you'd just send me to a place like Mercy House?
Lillian: Oh, Mary, please don't tell me you're a lesbian!
Mary: Mom...
Lillian: Do I need to worry about you? No. No, you're perfect. I don't have to worry about you.
Mary: [voice-over] My mom just compared me to a car, so me having a baby is definitely under the category of things she couldn't handle.
View Quote Mary: I need to tell you guys something.
[Van suddenly haults]
Hilary Faye: Eew.
Veronica: Eew.
Roland: WHAT? Wasn't like it was some kind of secret. The guy was like a one-man gay pride parade.
View Quote Pastor Skip: (to Hilary Faye, Veronica, and Tia) Listen, I'm concerned about Mary. Something's going on.
Hilary Faye: Yeah, me too.
Pastor Skip: She's part of your posse, and I think that you could help her. I'm gonna need you be a warrior out there in the front line of Jesus.
Tia: You mean like shoot her?
Pastor Skip: (laughs) No, no, no ... I was thinking of something a little less gangsta. I need someone who's spiritually armed to help guide her back to her faith--the love and care that only Jesus can supply. You down with that?
Hilary Faye: Yeah, I'm down with that.
Pastor Skip: She's pretty vulnerable right now, so I'm gonna need you to be extra gentle.
Hilary Faye, Veronica, and Tia meet Mary and shove her into Hilary Faye's van. While Veronica holds her down and Tia holds up a picture of Jesus, Hilary Faye stretches her hand toward Mary. Hilary Faye: In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you, leave the body of this servant of God ...
Mary: You're performing an exorcism on me?!?!? Get off me! [she shoves Veronica aside and gets out of the van]
Tia: Where are you going? Get back here!
Hilary Faye: Mary, we've gotta get rid of the evil in you.
Tia: [holding up a picture of Jesus] It's God's will!
Mary: God's will?
Tia: Christ died for your sins!
Hilary Faye: OK, wait a second. [pushes Tia aside] So are you not gonna accept our intervention here?
Mary: You mean kidnapping? No!
Hilary Faye: You are backsliding into the flames of hell.
Veronica: You've become a magnet for sin! We've all witnessed it.
Mary: Sure, Veronica acting all pure--what about last spring break at the Promise Makers' rally, huh?
Hilary Faye: Oh my God ... you are making accusations as we're trying to save your soul? Mary, turn away from Satan. Jesus, he loves you.
Mary: You don't know the first thing about love.
Hilary Faye: I am filled with Christ's love! [throws her Bible at Mary] You are just jealous of my success in the Lord.
Mary: [Mary hands Bible back to Hilary Faye] This is not a weapon, you idiot.
View Quote Patrick: Do you wanna go out sometime?
Mary: What, are you gonna take me out on your scooter?
Patrick: Come on. I'm like, totally adorable. Besides, it'd drive Hilary Faye crazy.
Mary: I can't. I'm right now.
Patrick: What about tomorrow night? Will you be dating then?
Mary: Good night, Patrick.
View Quote Tia: I thought you were going to ask Patrick to the prom.
Hilary Faye: Tia, would you just shut up? Do you want to go back to being invisible girl with bad hair? 'Cause that could easily happen.
View Quote ...After asking Hilary Faye to 'save her'.
Cassandra: So anyways, I finally managed to duct tape a piece of bacon into her locker.
People are running from Hilary Faye asking what 'that smell' is. Hilary Faye: Hey Cassandra, how do you feel?
Cassandra: I'm a whole new girl, Hay Faye.
Hilary Faye: I told you! How great is Jesus?
Cassandra: Yeah, about that...I've decided to devote my life to Satan, instead. But thanks!
View Quote [in the gym; Cassandra and Mary have to help Hilary Faye decorate for prom. Cassandra's hanging a sign on a rafter]
Hilary Faye: You better be wearing underpants this time. No, seriously, move it higher. Higher!
Pastor Skip: Oh, you're doing a great job, Cassandra. It's looking really phat.
Cassandra: [mocking voice] I'm so glad.
View Quote [Mary and Lillian are watching a game show]
Lillian: I hate this show. [switches channel]
Announcer on TV: Coming up on Lifetime: Valerie Bertinelli stars in Bitter Harvest, a sensitive portrayal of one woman's struggle with cancer.
Lillian: Oh, this looks good.
[many minutes later]
Valerie Bertinelli: There was a feeling of twilight in the air. All honeydew and lilac. God wasn't just smiling down on me; he was...jumping up and cheering! And then, well...I thought I was pregnant. I'd been throwing up every morning and I hadn't had my period in two months, so I took a home pregnancy test.
Woman, off-camera: What happened?
Valerie Bertinelli: ...found out I wasn't pregnant. It was the cancer.
Mary: She found all that out from a home pregnancy test?