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John Herod: Mr. Hanlon, I wanted to ask you about Indian Wells. Did that fight really take place?
Ace Hanlon: [combing his mustache] It sure did.
John Herod: And it's true that you gunned down four men?
Ace Hanlon: Two with my left hand. Two with my right hand. You see, the truth is that I am just as good with either.
John Herod: You must be the fastest gun in the west. That, or the biggest liar.
Ace Hanlon: It's a pity you weren't there to find out.
John Herod: Oh, but I was, Ace. You see, I was the one that really killed The Terrence Brothers, and I doubt if a lying little chickenshit like you was even in the same state!
[Ace draws with his right hand; Herod draws and blows his thumb off]
John Herod: How 'bout that left hand, Ace? How 'bout that left-handed draw?
[Ace tries to draw with his left as Herod lifts a match to light his cigarillo, but Herod shoots him through that hand]
John Herod: [draws both pistols] Mr. Ace Hanlon, the scourge of the sagebrush! [shoots twice, barely missing Ace's feet] The Terror of Tucson! [shoots twice again] A bladderful of hot air! [guns Ace down]
Ace Hanlon: [combing his mustache] It sure did.
John Herod: And it's true that you gunned down four men?
Ace Hanlon: Two with my left hand. Two with my right hand. You see, the truth is that I am just as good with either.
John Herod: You must be the fastest gun in the west. That, or the biggest liar.
Ace Hanlon: It's a pity you weren't there to find out.
John Herod: Oh, but I was, Ace. You see, I was the one that really killed The Terrence Brothers, and I doubt if a lying little chickenshit like you was even in the same state!
[Ace draws with his right hand; Herod draws and blows his thumb off]
John Herod: How 'bout that left hand, Ace? How 'bout that left-handed draw?
[Ace tries to draw with his left as Herod lifts a match to light his cigarillo, but Herod shoots him through that hand]
John Herod: [draws both pistols] Mr. Ace Hanlon, the scourge of the sagebrush! [shoots twice, barely missing Ace's feet] The Terror of Tucson! [shoots twice again] A bladderful of hot air! [guns Ace down]
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The Kid:: That gun shoots straight. I wouldn't sell it if it didn't.
Cort: It's okay, Kid. I won't draw.
John Herod: Sure you will. I know you, Cort. When it comes down to it, you'll pull the trigger.
Cort: It's okay, Kid. I won't draw.
John Herod: Sure you will. I know you, Cort. When it comes down to it, you'll pull the trigger.
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The Kid: I'm worth $3,000 in four states. Seventy-five offenses and no convictions. My name's Fee but, uh ... everyone calls me the Kid.
Ellen: Congratulations.
The Kid: I'm so damned fast I can wake up at the crack of dawn, rob two banks, a train and a stage coach, shoot the tail feathers off a duck's ass at 300 feet, and still be back in bed before you wake up next to me.
Ellen: Congratulations.
The Kid: I'm so damned fast I can wake up at the crack of dawn, rob two banks, a train and a stage coach, shoot the tail feathers off a duck's ass at 300 feet, and still be back in bed before you wake up next to me.
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[First gunfight, between Gutzon and The Kid]
Gutzon: I only wound you, Kid.
Kid: You're a kind man.
[Clock strikes; both draw; Kid fires first, wounding Gutzon]
Kid: [to himself] Whew. Damn, am I fast. [to crowd] Did you even see me, I was so damn fast?
[Gutzon raises his gun; Kid whirls and fires, wounding him again; he falls]
Kid: There, Mr. Swedish Champion. Are you done? Stay down now unless you're still fightin'.
Gutzon: Yes, I give up.
[He throws his gun aside; it lands in front of Horace]
Horace: Kid's the winner!
Kid: Am I fast, or is Sweden just a very small place? Tell me now!
Gutzon: I only wound you, Kid.
Kid: You're a kind man.
[Clock strikes; both draw; Kid fires first, wounding Gutzon]
Kid: [to himself] Whew. Damn, am I fast. [to crowd] Did you even see me, I was so damn fast?
[Gutzon raises his gun; Kid whirls and fires, wounding him again; he falls]
Kid: There, Mr. Swedish Champion. Are you done? Stay down now unless you're still fightin'.
Gutzon: Yes, I give up.
[He throws his gun aside; it lands in front of Horace]
Horace: Kid's the winner!
Kid: Am I fast, or is Sweden just a very small place? Tell me now!
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[After shooting and wounding Cantrell] I'm confused. All I hear from you, you spineless cowards, is how poor you are; how you can't afford my taxes, my protection. And yet somehow, you've all managed to find the money to hire a professional gunfighter to kill me. [Shoots the gun on Cantrell's belt before he can draw it] Where's all this money coming from? What am I to think? If you got so much to spare, I'm just gonna have to take some more off you. Because you clearly haven't got the message! This is my town! If you live to see the dawn, it's because I allow it! I'm in charge of everything! I decide who lives or who dies! [Cantrell raises his gun; Herod kills him with a headshot] Your gunfighter's dead. Old news.
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[Showing off guns for sale in his shop] This here's the Eagle Butt Peacemaker. Solid ivory handle, Mexican emblem. Only thirty of these ever made. This is the, uh, customized Remington New Model Army .44. It's probably more accurate than your Colt. I had the wooden handles removed and replaced with solid silver. Used with great success on, um, thirty-s...naw, thirty-five bank robberies by its late owner. And this? This is the best help a man can get. The Smith and Wesson Schofield .45. Just meat and potatoes. Me and Jesse James think it's the best handgun in the world. I had the trigger guard removed, it saves drawin' time. Don't ever wear it when you're drunk, or you'll kill your feet.
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Am I fast, or is Sweden just a very small place? Tell me now!
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Is it possible? Is it possible to improve on perfection?
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Like I always say – put a fox in the henhouse and you'll have chicken for dinner every time.
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Shit, that was fast.
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Some people deserve to die.
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Sorry, John. Changed the rules. From now on, all the fights are fair.