Honest John [At the Red Lobster Inn, Honest John is telling the Coachman their success at fooling Pinocchio] [Singing]
Hi diddle dee-dee! An actor's life for me! A high silk hat and a silver cane! A watch of gold with a diamond chain! Hi diddle dee-day! An actor's life is gay! It's great to be a celebrity! An actor's life for me! [Laughs] And the dummy fell for it! Hook, line, and sinker! [Gideon takes the ring that he smoked from his cigar and dunks it in his beer like dunking a donut in coffee, bites into it, and hiccups] And he still thinks that we're his friends! And did Stromboli pay? Plenty! [He lays a small bag of money on the table and laughs as the Coachman, stuffing tobacco into his pipe, grins wickedly] That shows you how low that Honest John will stoop. Eh, Giddy? [Gideon nods in agreement and hiccups, spilling beer all over himself] Now, uh, Coachman, [takes a smoke from his cigar] What's your proposition?
Coachman Well... [He takes a few smokes from his pipe and reaches into his coat pocket] How would you blokes like to make some real money? [He drops an even larger bag of money on the table]
Honest John Well! And who do we have to, uh...? [Makes throat-slitting gesture]
Coachman No, no! Nothing like that. You see... [He and Honest John look around the empty bar, whispering] I'm collecting stupid little boys.
Honest John Stupid little boys?
Coachman You know. The disobedient ones who play hooky from school.
Honest John Oh!
Coachman And you see... [whispers inaudibly in Honest John's ear. Gideon puts his ear to Honest John's other ear and cleans it out for him, so he can listen as well]
Coachman And I takes 'em to Pleasure Island.
Honest John Ah, Pleasure Island. [suddenly shocked and horrified] Pleasure Island? But the law! Suppose they...
Coachman No, no. There's no risk. They never come back as BOYS!!! [Leans into the camera, red in the face with a huge evil smile, his eyes bugging out of his head, and his powdered wig forming devil horns. Honest John and Gideon cower in fear as he laughs maniacally before pulling them closer] Now, I got a coach leavin' at midnight tonight. We'll meet at the crossroads. And no double-crossin'!
Honest John No, sir.
Coachman Scout around. Any good prospects you find, bring 'em to me!
Honest John Yes, chief.
Coachman I'll pay you well! I've got plenty o' gold!
Honest John Yes, yes.
Coachman [On the coach to Pleasure Island, the boys are chatting and laughing. Pinocchio and Lampwick are riding up front with the Coachman] [cracks his whip]
Giddyap!
[Meanwhile, Jiminy hides under the coach, getting sick and coughing from the dust the donkeys pulling the coach are kicking up]
Well... [coughs] Here we go again.
Lampwick Me name's Lampwick. What's yours?
[tips his hat]
Pinocchio!
Lampwick Ever been to Pleasure Island?
Uh-uh. [shows Lampwick his "ticket" from Honest John] But Mr. Honest John gave me...
Lampwick Me, neither, but they say that it's a swell joint! No school, no cops. You can tear the joint apart, and nobody says a word! [the Coachman smiles evilly and cracks his whip again]
Lampwick Loaf around, plenty to eat, plenty to drink. And it's all free!
Lampwick Boy, that's the place. I can hardly wait! [shoots his slingshot at the donkeys]
B Barker
[They arrive at the docks and board a showboat. They arrive at Pleasure Island, which has various elements any amusement park has, including carnival rides. Balloons of clowns and policemen float above. The Coachman gestures the boys in]
Right here, boys! Right here! Get your cakes, pies, dill pickles, and ice cream! Eat all you can! Be a glutton! Stuff yourselves! It's all free, boys! It's all free! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!
RA Roughhouse Animatronic
[inside a tent, the boys are pouncing on each other and punching each other]
The Roughhouse! The Roughhouse! It's the roughest, toughest joint you've ever seen! Come in and pick a fight, boys!
Lampwick [eats his roast chicken while Pinocchio takes a lick of his ice cream cone]
Oh, boy! A scrap! [tosses away his chicken] C'mon! Let's go in and poke somebody in the nose!
Lampwick Ah, just for the fun of it.
OK, Lampy! [tosses away his ice cream cone and pie and strolls into the Roughhouse with Lampwick. In another part of the park, animatronic Indians are throwing handfuls of cigars to the boys]
B Barker
Tobacco Row! Tobacco Row! Get your cigars, cigarettes, and chewing tobacco! Come in and smoke your heads off! There’s nobody here to stop you!
[Meanwhile, Jiminy is trying to avoid the boys running around, trying to step on him]
Pinocchio! [coughs] Pinocchio! There's something phony about all of this. I gotta get him outta here.
B Barker
[In a large luxurious house, the boys are knocking houseplants and statues over, breaking windows and furniture, and setting the entire house on fire]
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! See the Model Home! It's open for destruction! And it's all yours, boys! She's all yours!
Lampwick [he strikes a match on the Mona Lisa painting to light his cigar]
What'd I tell ya? Ain't this a swell joint?
Yeah! [holds an axe] Bein' bad's a lot of fun, ain't it?
Lampwick Yeah, uh-huh. Get a load of that stained-glass window. [Picks up a brick and throws it at the stained glass window, shattering it. Meanwhile, back at the entrance, the Coachman turns to his henchmen]
Coachman Alright now! [cracks his whip] Hop to it, you blokes! Come on! Come on! Shut the doors and lock 'em tight! [The guards close the wooden doors] Now, get below and get them crates ready! [chuckles] Give a bad boy enough rope and he'll soon make a jackass of himself. [cackles evilly]
[Jiminy is walking around the empty park, littered with half-smoked cigars, shut-down carnival rides, and food wrappers]
Pinocchio! Pinocchio! [whistles] Where is everybody? Look at this. This place is like a graveyard. I don't like the looks of this. Pinocchio! Hey! Where are you?
[meanwhile, in the pool hall, Lampwick is whistling "Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee" and playing pool while Pinocchio sits at a table, smoking his cigar]
Where do you suppose all the kids went to, Lampwick?
Lampwick Oh, they're around here somewheres. Why do you care? You're havin' a good time, ain't ya? [hits a #3 ball into a hole]
Lampwick Oh, boy! This is the life, huh, Pinokey?
Yeah! [smokes lightly] It sure is! [smokes lightly again]
Lampwick Ah, you smoke like me grandmother! [picks up his cigar] Come on. Take a big drag! Like this! [inhales his cigar deeply]
OK, Lampy! [inhales his cigar deeply and his face turns red, then pink, and his eyes tear up, and then turns green in the face and blows a smoke ring, which comes out of his mouth]
Lampwick Heh, some fun, huh, kid? [Pinocchio nods drowsily] OK, slats. [adds a point in the score chart] Your shot.
[Pinocchio, dazed and disoriented, can barely focus on striking the #8 ball, which appears to wink its eye at Pinocchio; Pinocchio shakes his head, causing his eyes to shake as well] What's the matter, slats? Losin' your grip?
[Pinocchio is about to strike the ball at first, but is then startled by Jiminy and falls flat on his face]
PINOCCHIO! So, this is where I find you! How do you ever expect to be a real boy?! Look at yourself! Smokin'?! [pulls the flattened cigar out of Pinocchio's mouth with his umbrella] Playin' pool?! [angrily kicks the #8 ball and painfully stubs his toe] OW! You're comin' right home with me this minute!
Lampwick Hey, who's the beetle? [picks up Jiminy by his coat]
Let go! Put me down! [voice becomes muffled as he gets wrapped around in his coat] Let me outta here! Put me down!
He's my conscience. He tells me what's right from wrong.
Lampwick [drops Jiminy]
What?!? You mean to tell me you take orders from a grasshopper?!?
Grasshopper?!? Look here, you.... you impudent young pup! It wouldn't hurt you to take orders from your grasshopper! I mean, your conscience! If you have one!
Lampwick Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. [strikes the #9 ball into the ball Jiminy is standing on] Screwball in the corner pocket.
[Jiminy is knocked into a hole by the #1 ball, the other ball goes in, too; when Jiminy lands in the ball pit, he runs out of the way of the #8 ball; Lampwick cracks up laughing] [angrily climbs out of hole]
Why, you.... you young hoodlum! [furiously takes off his coat] I'll.... I'll knock your block off! [punches the air; Lampwick laughs harder] I'll take you apart and put you back together!
[holds Jiminy back by his vest]
Oh, don't hurt him, Jiminy. He's my best friend.
Why, I oughtta... Your best friend?! And what am I?! Just your conscience! [angrily storms away] OK! That settles it! [furiously picks up his suit and angrily squashes his top hat real flat]
You buttered your bread! Now, sleep in it! [angrily puts his suit coat on backwards and accidentally falls down a pool hole again; Lampwick laughs even harder] Ha, ha, ha! Go on! Laugh! Make a jackass out of yourself! I'm through! This is the end! [furiously storms out the bar]
But, Jiminy, Lampwick says a guy only lives once.
Lampwick Come on, come on! Let him go! [pours some beer into a couple steins]
[Meanwhile, Jiminy is storming out of Pleasure Island]
Lampwick! Huh! LAMPWICK! [kicks a smoked cigar, making the ashes fly everywhere] Burns me up. After all I tried to do for him! [goes through the inside of an open book, and comes out by ripping and tearing some pages] Who's his conscience anyway? [gets tangled in the leg by a ribbon and shakes it off] Me or that... that hoodlum Lampwick? I've had enough of this! I'm takin' the next boat outta here! [raps on the door with his umbrella handle] Open up that door! Open up! I wanna go home!
Coachman [Jiminy hears donkeys braying on the other side of the door and slips under the door. There, he finds the Coachman and his henchman loading donkeys into crates and onto the boat]
C'mon, you blokes! Keep it moving. Lively there, now! We haven't got all night!
[scratches his head]
Where'd all the donkeys come from?
Coachman Come on, come on! Let's have another! [one of his henchmen pulls a donkey dressed in a police uniform toward him] And what's your name? ‘’[The donkey only brays]] Okay, you'll do! [he tears the police uniform off the donkey and kicks him in the rear end, throwing him into a crate with five others] In you go! You boys will bring a nice price. [chuckles evilly] Alright! Next! [another donkey, who is dressed in a sailor suit is thrown toward him] And what might your name be?
Coachman Hmm, so you can talk.
A Alexander
Y-Yes, sir. I want to go home to my mama!
Coachman Take him back! He can still talk! [snatches Alexander and throws him into a pen with six other donkeys that can still talk]
A Alexander
Please, please. I don't want to be a donkey. [the others protest, begging and pleading for mercy] Let me out of here!
Coachman [cracks his whip]
QUIET!!! You boys have had your fun! Now pay for it!
Boys? So that's what...! Pinocchio! [he runs back to the pool hall to warn Pinocchio what has happened to the boys]
Lampwick Heh! To hear that beetle talk.... [takes a sip of his beer] .... you'd think that something was gonna happen to us. [Lampwick suddenly sprouts donkey ears. Unaware of this, Pinocchio pushes his beer away] Conscience. Ah, phooey! [strikes a ball and grows a donkey tail as a shocked Pinocchio then throws away his cigar] Where does he get that stuff? [sarcastically] "How do you ever expect to be a real boy?" [leans over the pool table, grabs his cigar, and turns around to show Pinocchio that his face has turned into a donkey’s muzzle, and puts it in his mouth] What's he think I look like? A jackass?
You sure do! [laughs, but he accidentally brays in the middle of his laughter and covers his mouth in shock]
Lampwick Hey, you laugh like a donkey. [laughs, then accidentally brays, and gasps and covers his mouth to stop] Did that come out of me? [Pinocchio nods in a horrified look; Lampwick feels his face, realizing he has a muzzle instead of a nose] Oh! [feels nothing but fur] Huh? [feels his donkey ears from bottom to top, then tugs at them] What the----? What's going on?! [he takes a looks in the mirror, but sees his reflection, then sees that he is only half a human and half a donkey, finally realizes, and screams in terror, just as he runs around in panic for help] I've been double-crossed! Help! Help! Somebody, help! I've been framed! HELP!!!! [begs to Pinocchio for help, while Pinocchio ends up backing into a wall and grabs his overall straps]] Please, you've gotta help me! Oh, be a pal! Call that beetle! Call anybody! [lets go of Pinocchio, as his hands close up, morphing into hooves; Pinocchio gasps in shock and backs away, scared] Mama! MA-AA-A-MA-AA-A-AA-A!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!! [In the shadow, Lampwick is forced down on all fours, and having turned into a donkey completely, begins to run around the room, and starts braying wildly, while Pinocchio runs away and hides behind a chair, but when Lampwick smashes the mirror with his back hooves, knocks tables over, kicks chairs all over the place, and flees, still braying uncontrollably; Pinocchio suddenly sprouts gray donkey ears]
[tugs at his ears]
OOOOH!!!! What's happened?!
[races towards the pool hall]
Oh, I hope I'm not too late.
What'll....? What'll I do?! [suddenly, he sprouts a gray donkey tail, grabs hold of its end, and gasps]
[Jiminy finally reaches the pool hall, and goes back in]
Pinocchio!
Quick, Pinoke! The kids! The boys! They're all donkeys! [gasps] You, too?! [Pinocchio nods] C'mon! Quick! Before you get any worse! [they run out of the pool hall and across the park] This way, Pinoke! It's the only way out! [they climb up the rocks and onto a cliff] Hurry up.... OOF! Before they see us! [they stop at the cliff leading down to the water] You gotta jump. [they dive into the water, and swim far away from Pleasure Island, and get up on the mainland, before heading back to the workshop]
