Bear
I texted you 50 times.
Ian
Jesus Christ, Bear, what the...
Bear
So, you know how Nikki all of a sudden started...
Ian
Oh, no. Oh, sh... Is she okay?
Bear
Yes. She’s–she’s gonna be okay.
Ian
Why–why’s Sarah texting me, man? She wants me to come over to your place.
Bear
What?
Ian
She texted me over and over, like, all this weird shit.
Bear
****.
Ian
What’s happening?ǃ
Bear
Oh, ****.
Ian
What the **** is happening?ǃ
Bear
Okay, just stay hereǃ
Ian
Is Nikki okay?ǃ
Bear
Do not... do not come overǃ [goes outside]
Ian
Okay. Bear! Bear, tell me what the **** is happening right now!
Bear
****! ****. [rushes back into house] Okay, okay, okay, so Nikki... she started liking me out of nowhere, all of a sudden, and then acting weird. Yes or no?
Ian
Bear, what the **** are you gonna tell me right now, man?ǃ
Bear
No. Ian, Ianǃ
Ian
Is she okay?ǃ
Bear
I... [holds up a One Wish Willow] I made a wish. I broke this piece of wood. At first, I didn’t think it was real. Okay? I was confused, but this is realǃ This is **** realǃ
Ian
What?ǃ What?ǃ
Bear
Okay, okay, okay. You can make a wish, any... You... you can make one wish, and it is real and it will work. I made a wish. I–I didn’t think it would work. I wished that Nikki would love me, but it worked. Think about it, dude. Think about how she’s been acting lately. Think about how drastically she changed.
Ian
Okay, what... what did you take her to? Like, a–a-a psychic? What?
Bear
What?ǃ
Ian
What did... What, did you do a ****... Uh, what program?
Bear
No, no. ****, there’s not a **** program, Ianǃ You know, I don’t know. It’s God **** magicǃ
Ian
Is this a joke to you?ǃ
Bear
No! This is realǃ
Ian
This, this?ǃ
Bear
Yesǃ Be carefulǃ Yes, it’s real. It’s **** real, Ianǃ I made a wish, and it’s **** horribleǃ
Ian
Then make another **** wish, manǃ
Bear
No, you can’tǃ You can’tǃ Because you only get one wishǃ
Ian
Oh, you only get one. Oh, okay, yeah. That makes sense.
Bear
One wish. You only get one wish, Ian, but it’s real. It’s real, Ian. So I need you to make a wish. I need you to wish that I never made a wish. Okay? And then you can be with Nikki.
Ian
Oh. Oh, so... so... so that...
Bear
No, no, no. Dude, no.
Ian
That’s what this is about?
Bear
I don’t even give a **** about that, dudeǃ I was gonna tell youǃ Seriously, just open the box, and then just be careful about how you word itǃ [Ian takes One Wish Willow from box] Whoa, whoa...ǃ Dude, stopǃ Okay, um, I need you to say, uh, uh, “I– I wish for my friend Baron...”
Ian
I wish for a billion dollars.
Bear
No! [money pours down from above]
