Most scenes together: Ulysses Everett McGill & Delmar (17), Ulysses Everett McGill & Pete (11), Delmar & Pete (11)
Woo! Hot Damn, son I believe you did sell your soul to the devil.
Woooooooo-wee. Boy, that was a miiiighty fine a-pickin' and a-singin'. I'll tell you what, you come on in here and sign these papers here and I'm a gonna you ten dollars a piece.
Uh, okay sir. But Murt and Aloysius will have to sign Xes as only four of us can write.
Why are you telling our gals that I was hit by a train?
Penny Lots of respectable people have been hit by trains. Judge Hobbie over in Cookville was hit by a train. What was I gonna tell them, that you got sent to the penal farm and I divorced you from shame?
Uh, I take your point. But it does put me in a damn awkward position, vis-a-vis my progeny.
Miracle. It's a miracle!
Delmar, don't be ignorant. I told you they was flooding this valley.
No, that ain't it!
We prayed to God, and He pitied us!
Well, it never fails. Once again, you two hayseeds are showin' how much you want for intellect. There's a perfectly scientific explanation for what just happened.
That ain't the tune you was singin' back there at the gallows.
Well, any human being will cast about in a moment of stress. No, the fact is, they're flooding this valley so they can hydroelectric the whole damn state. Yes, sir, the South is gonna change. Everything's gonna be put on electricity and run on a paying basis. Out with the old spiritual mumbo-jumbo, the superstitions, and the backward ways. We're gonna see a brave new world where they run everybody a wire and hook us all up to a grid. Yes, sir, a veritable age of reason, like the one they had in France. And not a moment too soon. [notices a cow on the roof of a flooded house, like the Blind Seer predicted in the beginning]...not a moment too soon. [looks to the side] Hey, there's Tommy. Tommy, what you ridin' there?
Tommy Roll-top desk!
Big Dan Teague I don't believe I've seen you boys around here before. Allow me to introduce myself. Name of Daniel Teague. Known in these precincts as Big Dan Teague. Or, to those who are pressed for time, Big Dan, tout court!
How you doin', Big Dan? My name is Ulysses Everett McGill. This is my associate, Delmar O'Donnell. I detect like me, you're endowed with the gift of gab.
Big Dan Teague I flatter myself that such is the case. In my line of work it's plumb necessary. The one thing you don't want... is air in the conversation.
Once again, we find ourselves in agreement. What kind of work do you do, Big Dan?
Big Dan Teague Sales, Mr. McGill, sales! And what do I sell? The Truth! Every blessed word of it, from Genesee on down to Revelations. That's right, the word of God, which let me tell you there is damn good money in during these times of woe and want. People are lookin' for answers, and Big Dan sells the only book that's got 'em! And what do you do, you and your tongue-tied friend?
We, uh...
Uh, we're adventurers, sir, currently pursuing a certain opportunity, but we're open to others as well.
Big Dan Teague I like your style, young man. So I'm gonna propose you a proposition: You cover my bill so I don't have to run back upstairs, get your waitress to wrap your dinner picnic-style, and we shall retire to more private environs, where I will tell you how there are vast amounts of money to be made in the service of God Almighty.
Well, why not? If nothing else, I could use some civilized conversation.
Big Dan Teague Don't forget your shoebox, friend.
Deceitful, two-faced she-woman. Never trust a female, Delmar, remember that one simple precept and your time with me will not have been ill spent.
OK, Everett.
Hit by a train! Truth means nothing to a woman, Delmar. Triumph 'a the subjective. You ever been with a woman?
Well, I... I... I gotta get the family farm back before I can start thinking about that.
That's right, if then. Believe me Delmar, woman is the most fiendish instrument of torture ever devised to bedevil the days of man.
Everett, I never figured you for a paterfamilias.
Oh yes, I have spread my seed.
How you doin', son? My name's Everett. These two soggy sons of bitches are Pete and Delmar. Keep your fingers away from Pete's mouth; he ain't had nothing to eat for 13 years, except prison food, gopher, and a little greasy horse.
Tommy Johnson Thanks for the lift, sir. My name's Tommy. Tommy Johnson.
How you doin', Tommy? Say, I haven't seen a house out here for miles. What are you doing out in the middle of nowhere?
Tommy Johnson Well, I had to be up at that there crossroads last midnight, to sell my soul to the devil.
Well, ain't it a small world, spiritually speaking. Pete and Delmar just been baptized and saved. I guess I'm the only one that remains unaffiliated.
This ain't no laughing matter, Everett.
What'd the devil give you for your soul, Tommy?
Tommy Johnson Well, he taught me to play this here guitar real good.
Oh, son. For that, you traded your everlasting soul?
Tommy Johnson Well, I wasn't usin' it.
I've always wondered, what's the devil look like?
Well, of course there are all manner of lesser imps and demons, Pete, but the great Satan hisself is red and scaly with a bifurcated tail, and he carries a hay fork.
Tommy Johnson Oh, no. No, sir. He's white, as white as you folks, with empty eyes and a big hollow voice. He loves to travel around with a mean old hound. That's right.
And he told you to go to Tishomingo?
Tommy Johnson Well, no, sir, that was my idea. I heard there's a man down there. He pays folks money to sing into his can. They say he pays extra if you play real good.
Tishomingo, huh? How much he pay?
Jesus! Can't I count on you people?!
Sorry, Everett.
Well, all right. If we take off through that bayou, then...
Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit?
Well, Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote.
Suits me. I'm voting for yours truly.
Well, I'm voting for yours truly, too.
Mind if we join you, old timer?
Blind Seer Join me, my son. Join me.
You work for the railroad, Grandpa?
Blind Seer I work for no man.
Got a name, do you?
Blind Seer I have no name.
Well, that right there may be why you've had difficulty finding gainful employment. You see, in the mart of competitive commerce...
Blind Seer You seek a great fortune, you three who are now in chains. You will find a fortune, though it will not be the fortune you seek. But first... First you must travel a long and difficult road, a road fraught with peril. Mm-hmm. You shall see thangs wonderful to tell. You shall see a... a cow on the roof of a... cotton house. And, oh, so many startlements. I cannot tell you how long this road shall be, but fear not the obstacles in your path, for fate has vouchsafed your reward. Though the road may wind, yea, your hearts grow weary, still shall ye follow them, even unto your salvation.
No, the treasure's still there boys, believe me.
I don't know Delmar. The blind are reputed to possess sensitivities compensating for their lack of sight, even to the point of developing paranormal psychic powers. Now, clearly seeing into the future would fall neatly into that category; it's not so surprising then that an organism deprived of its earthly vision...
He said we wouldn't get it. He said we wouldn't get the treasure we seek on account of our obstacles.
What the hell does he know? He's an ignorant old man.
Well, at least you boys get to see the ancestral manse; the home where I spent so many happy days in the bosom of my family--a refugim, if you will--with a mighty oak tree out front and a happy little tire swing on it.
Where's the happy little tire swing? [the boys are soon confronted by Sheriff Cooley and his men]
Sheriff Cooley End of the road, boys.
Wait a minute, now...
Sheriff Cooley It's had its twists and turns. Now, it deposits you here.
No, wait a minute!
Sheriff Cooley You have eluded fate, and you have eluded me for the last time. [to his men] Tie their hands, boys.
You can't do this now!
Sheriff Cooley Didn't know you'd be bringin' a friend. He'll just have to wait his turn, share one of your graves.
You can't do this! We just got pardoned by the governor hisself!
It went out on the radio!
Sheriff Cooley Is that right? Well, we ain't got a radio.
God have mercy.
Well, I guess hard times flush the chumps. Everybody's lookin' for answers... Where the hell's he goin'?
Well that's it, boys. I've been redeemed! The preacher done washed away all my sins and transgressions. It's the straight and narrow from here on out. And heaven everlasting's my reward!
Delmar, what are you talking about? We've got bigger fish to fry.
The preacher said all my sins is washed away, including that Piggly Wiggly I knocked over in Yazoo.
I thought you said you was innocent of those charges.
Well I was lyin'. And the preacher said that that sin's been washed away, too. Neither God nor man's got nothin' on me now! C'mon in boys, the water is fine.
Well, it didn't look like a one-horse town, but try finding a decent hair jelly.
Gopher, Everett?
And no transmission belt for two weeks, either.
They dam that river on the 21st. Today's the 17th.
Don't I know it.
We got but four days to get to that treasure. After that, it'll be at the bottom of a lake. We ain't gonna make it walkin'.
That's right.
Gopher, Everett?
But the old tactician's got a plan. For the transportation that is. I don't know how I'm gonna keep my coiffure in order.
How's this a plan? How we gonna get a car?
Sell that. I figure it can only have painful association for Wash.
It was in his bureau. I reckon it'll fetch us enough cash for a good used auto-voiture, and a little left over besides.
Whoo! You got some light fingers, Everett. Gopher?
You miserable little snake! You stole from my kin!
Who was fixin' to betray us.
You didn't know that at the time!
So I borrowed it until I did know.
That don't make no sense!
Pete, it's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart. [hears a congregation singing nearby] Now, what the hell's that singing?
Appears to be some kind of a... congregation. Care for some gopher?
No, thank you, Delmar. A third of a gopher would only arouse my appetite without beddin' her back down.
Oh, you can have the whole thing. Me and Pete already had one. We ran across a whole gopher village.
I can get the part from Bristol. It'll take two weeks. Here's your pomade.
Two weeks? That don't do me no good.
Nearest Ford auto man's Bristol.
Hold on, now. I don't want this pomade. I want Dapper Dan.
I don't carry Dapper Dan, I carry Fop.
Well, I don't want Fop, goddammit. I'm a Dapper Dan man!
Watch your language, young fella. This is a public market. Now, if you want Dapper Dan, I can order it for you, have it in a couple of weeks.
Well ain't this place a geographical oddity! Two weeks from everywhere! Forget it! [slams money on the counter] Just a dozen hair nets.
George Nelson Any of you boys know your way around a Walter P.P.K.?
Well, you see, that's where we can't help you. I don't believe it's in Mississippi. [notices dollar bills flying out of George's bag] Friend, some of your folding money has come unstowed.
George Nelson Just stuff it down that sack there, will you? You boys aren't bad men, I take it?
Well, it's funny you should ask. I was bad until yesterday, but me and Pete here have been saved. I'm Delmar, and that there's Everett.
George Nelson George Nelson. It's a pleasure. [opens the car door] Grab the tiller, will ya, buddy? [the police are catching up to the group] Hand me that chopper! [laughs]
George Nelson COME AND GET ME, COPPERS!!! You flat-footed, lame-brain, soft-ass sons of bitches! NO ONE CAN CATCH ME! I'M GEORGE NELSON!!! I'm bigger than any John, live or limp! I'm 10.5 feet tall, and ain't yet fully grown! [sees a herd of cows in a field] Cows! I hate cows worse than coppers! [turns his gun on the cows and starts shooting at them]
Oh, George! Not the livestock!
George Nelson Come on, you miserable, salaried sons of bitches! COME AND GET ME!
[Several cows wander out onto the road; one of the police cars runs over a cow as George continues to fire his gun]
George Nelson Okay, folks, hold the applause and drop your drawers! I'm George Nelson, and I'm here to sack the city Itta Bena!
He's a live wire, though, ain't he?
George Nelson All the money in a bag! What are you looking at, Grandpa?
Pardon me, George. You got a plan for getting out of here?
George Nelson Sure, boys. [tosses the money bag to Everett] Here's my plan. [opens his jacket to reveal sticks of dynamite, then laughs] They ain't never seen ordinance like this! [to the crowd] Thank you, folks! And remember, Jesus saves, but George Nelson withdraws! [laughs] Go fix the auto voiture, Pete.
Is that Babyface Nelson?
George Nelson Who said that? What ignorant, lowdown, slanderizin' SON OF A BITCH SAID THAT??!! [approaches the woman] My name is GEORGE NELSON! GET ME?! [the woman nods in fear]
She didn't mean nothing by it, George.
George Nelson GEORGE NELSON! NOT "BABYFACE"!!! You remember! And you tell your friends! I'm George Nelson! Born to raise hell! [fires a shot in the air, then leaves with Everett, Pete, and Delmar]
