Judge
I said I have a but!
Drake
[chuckles]
He said he had a butt.
Josh
Shut up.
Scenes with Drake
5 scenes Drake
Josh
Steve
HEY! WHAT'S UP, D AND J? GETTING READY FOR THE PARADE?
Drake
Yeah, positively.
Steve
OKAY, WELL I'M JUST REMINDING YOU GUYS THAT YOU NEED TO GIVE THESE KIDS THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER IF YOU WANNA STAY OUT OF JAIL!
Drake
[last line of the film]
So?
Josh
So?
Drake
Yes or no? Is this the best Christmas you ever had?
Josh
It will be, after THIS! (throws snow at Drake)
Drake
I'm gonna get you, Nichols!
Josh
Bring it, Parker! (the two chase each other around)
Drake
santas not looking for a relationship right now
Fat girl
I want what that other girl was getting.
Judge
Now, Drake Parker, Josh Nichols. Since your records show no prior violations of the law, I will not put you in jail this time.
Drake and Josh
YES!
Judge
[The courtroom erupts with cheering.]
But... [nobody listens] But...! I have a "but"!
Drake
[chuckles]
He said he had a butt.
Josh
Shut up.
Judge
If you do not give this little girl and her family the best Christmas ever, I will put you in jail and melt the key down myself. Am I clear?
Drake
Yes, your honor.
Josh
Yes.
Josh
[Josh is talking with Officer Gilbert's mother.]
All my brother and I are trying to do is give the kids the best Christmas they ever had. It's like Officer Gilbert, your son... he just hates us.
Mrs. Gilbert
Oh, I'm sure Perry doesn't hate you. He hates Christmas.
Josh
But why?
Mrs. Gilbert
It goes back to when he was just 8 years old. As a little boy, he loved Christmas so much. And there was one present he always wanted more than any other.
Josh
What was it?
Mrs. Gilbert
A monkey.
Josh
A monkey.
Mrs. Gilbert
It was Christmas Eve. [a flashback is shown] Perry woke up in the wee hours of the morning. And, as children would do, he sneaked out of his bedroom and into the den to see what Santa had left him. There, by our Christmas tree, was a fine monkey in a cage. It was the present Perry had dreamed of. Then, Perry turned the latch, and opened the cage... [the monkey attacks young Perry and wrecks the Christmas decorations] and that's when things went terribly wrong. The monkey went berserk.
Young Perry
[in flashback; screaming]
What did I do?! Aah! Aah! Aah! Crazy monkey! Bad monkey! Bad monkey! Aaah!
Mrs. Gilbert
And then... the tinkling. [the monkey removes its shorts and urinates] Its bladder empty, the monkey jumped out the window, never to be seen again.
Drake
That is the freakiest story I've ever heard.
Josh
I know, but it's true. Christmas was ruined for him as a kid, so now he wants to ruin it for everyone else.
Josh
Dear Officer Gilbert, Drake and I heard what happened when you were little. But that's no reason, to hate christmas or monkeys. Maybe the one you got way back then, was in a bad mood or something. But this one, comes with a guarantee certificate of sweetness. She's only seven months old, we hope you like her. Merry Christmas, From Josh and Drake.
Drake
Make it Drake and Josh, it sounds weird the other way.
Josh
MERRY CHRISTMAS, FROM DRAKE AND JOSH!.
