Massive Mr Ratchett, Sir. Whilst I don't wish to be rude, I do believe that you watched too many Tarzan films as an impressionable child.
Played by Vas Blackwood 
Mean Machine (2001) · 38 quotes
Mean Machine (2001) · 38 quotes
Most-quoted character in Mean Machine (2001): in 26 of its 38 quotes
Most scenes with: Danny Meehan (15), Doc (5), Bob Likely (5)
It's ironic
More lines from Massive
1 quote Massive Scenes with Massive
24 scenes
Maybe I should take up Karate.
That was before he took up Karate.
Where's your manners Danny what would your old mum say?
Wish I'd met her.
Trojan All right, Raj. You be black.[in a game of chess]
Raj No, I'll be white.
Trojan Just chill. You got a black nose.
Raj You saying I'm black? That makes me the first Iranian from Babylon.
Massive [Introducting himself]
Massive is your man!
Massive?
Massive It's ironic!
Well get it sorted, 'cause this lad has a bad habit of turning cash flow problems into blood flow problems.
[Prison guard to Secretary]
:Hayter: I wouldn't get too close, Miss.
Tracey [Secretary to Danny]
Why? You're not dangerous. Are you, Mr footballer?
I'll tell you something. I didn't start off out as a youngster looking to sell my country out.
Massive None of us planned to be here, mate.
Chiv But you're forgetting something. You were a hero in Scotland.
Oh right lads, you wanna be nothing, prisoners... numbers... that's fine. But you win out there today and you'll have something to remember forever, talk about it over and over, because up and down the country there are cons that are pig sick of not being here in your shoes... just to have one crack at those bastards next door!
Run your guts out, and you'll have somethin' in 'ere. :[points towards heart]
They can never touch, no parole boards, judges or nutcase governors... NOW... ask yourselves one question... ARE YOU READY?
Absa****lutely, Bob!
Massive I'm your manager.
Since when?
Trojan Look, don't bother giving me no orders, yeah?
Massive Look, stop bitching, bitch.
Mr Ratchett Got you an apprentice. He used to be a sweeper.
Comedian.
Governor What do you think of amateur football?
It's amateur.
Billy the Limpet I loved your work, man.
Sorry?
Billy the Limpet I never believed any of the talk. I can't believe it. Here you are. :[takes off his sweater and shows his England jersey with "Meehan" at the back]
Cheers.[keeps his distance]
Billy the Limpet Then you can teach me. Will you teach me, yeah?
Teach you what? :[obviously distracted]
Billy the Limpet All that you know, all them soccer skills. All that. :[shows off his bad football moves]
Sorry, mate. Do what?
Billy the Limpet You know, like the pro's, all that caper. Yeah?
I gotta go, but we'll stick a pin in it, all right?[walks away]
Billy the Limpet Yeah, lovely. We'll stick a pin in it. Lovely.
Fan club.
Bloody stalker.
Looking forward to a thrashing?
If it means getting out of here early, I'll take another beating from you or anyone.
Who said anything about beating? I'm talking about the match.
Come on! I've seen your lot in action.
Nitro Hello Danny boy.
Nitro.
Nitro I've been wondering, you need a manager. You know..the tactics and all that. Well, I am the business.
Massive's manager.
Nitro Yeah, I know, but I'm better than him because I had trials, didn't I.
Massive We all had trials,mate. That's why we're here.
What money?
You're a betting man. We'll make a deal. Let your lads play. Win or lose, you call the result. Bet accordingly.
Back to your fixing the match routine, right? Now listen, it's like this - I'd never take a bet against England, and I wouldn't bet the screws against the cons. Capisce?
Then we can play to win. Would you think about it?
Yes, I'll think about it. But right now, I'm thinking you're polluting my air. Now go away.
Okay, positions. I play centre midfield. Let's have all midfield players behind me, defenders to me left, strikers to me right. Come on, lads, come on.
OK fellas, now, the key to set pieces is concentration, calculation, teamwork. With corners it's about movement, drawing defenders out of position. When it comes to defending,it's about tackling, finesse, calculation. Remember these simple rules, and we're in with a chance. Any questions?
Yeah
Hello Mr Monk. Can you play football?
Monk Aye.
Good. Would you like to play with us?
Monk Nah.
We're playing the guards.
Monk [pause]
Aye, then I'm with you.
Chiv Sound.
Good afternoon, I'm Bob Likely. You join us live from the recreation field.
I'm Bob Carter, and thanks again to our esteemed governor...
Both
[Both muffle the microphones with their hands] [Whispering]
Wanker
...for providing the splendid facilities that are here today as part of his rehabilitation campaign.
[Danny Meehan is about to take a free kick in front of a wall - the ball is kicked straight to Mr Ratchett's private part]
Ooh! Right in his carrots and onions!
No nookie for Mr Ratchett.
No nookie for Mrs Ratchett neither.
[After learning Mr Ratchett has been kicked twice in the same area]
Just goes to show lightning can strike twice.
Abso-****-lutely, Bob.
And once again, Monk's played it to Trojan, who's again switched to the left.
He must be ambidextrous, Bob.
I don't know about that, Bob. But he certainly can use both feet.
