Most scenes together: Jean Harrington & Muggsy (17), Charles Pike & Muggsy (14), Jean Harrington & Charles Pike (10)
We'd better get back now.
Yes, I guess so. You see, where I've been, I mean up the Amazon, you kind of forget how, I mean, when you haven't seen a girl in a long time. I mean, there's something about that perfume that...
Don't you like my perfume?
Like it! I'm ****-eyed on it!
Why Hopsie! You ought to be kept in a cage!
What were you doing up the Amazon?
Looking for snakes. I'm an ophiologist.
I thought you were in the beer business.
Beer? Ale!
What's the difference?
Between beer and ale?
Yes.
My father'd burst a blood vessel if he heard you say that. There's a big difference. Ale's sort of fermented on the top or something, and beer's fermented on the bottom, or maybe it's the other way around. There's no similarity at all. You see, the trouble with being descended from a brewer, no matter how long ago he brewered, or whatever you call it, you're supposed to know all about something you don't give a hoot about.
When I think we let that sucker off scot free, it makes my blood boil.
I told you not to mix business with pleasure.
You know Charles?
Oh, is he the tall backwards boy always toying with toads and things? Yes, I think I have seen him skulking about.
He's not backwards. He's a scientist.
Oh is that what it is? I knew he was, mm... peculiar.
You really haven't the right to drag me off like this, Hopsie...Why didn't you take me in your arms that day...Why did you let me go? Why did we have to go through all this nonsense? Don't you know you're the only man I ever loved? Don't you know I couldn't look at another man if I wanted to? And don't you know I waited all my life for you, you big mug.
Will you forgive me?
For what? Oh you mean, on the boat. The question is, can you forgive me?
What for?
Oh, you still don't understand.
I don't want to understand. I don't want to know. Whatever it is, keep it to yourself. All I know is I adore you. I'll never leave you again. We'll work it out somehow. There's just one thing. I feel it's only fair to tell you. It would never have happened except she looked so exactly like you. And I have no right to be in your cabin.
Why?
Because I'm married.
But so am I, darling. So am I.
You see, Hopsie, you don't know very much about girls! The best ones aren't as good as you probably think they are, and the bad ones aren't as bad. Not nearly as bad. So I suppose you're right to worry, falling in love with an adventuress on the high seas.
Are you an adventuress?
Of course I am. All women are. They have to be. If you waited for a man to propose to you from natural causes, you'd die of old maidenhood. That's why I let you try my slippers on. And then I put my cheek against yours. And then I made you put your arms around me. And then I, I fell in love with you, which wasn't in the cards.
Rotten likeness, isn't it? I never cared for that picture...Please don't look so upset, darling. I was going to tell you when we got to New York. I would have told you last night, only it wouldn't have been fair to Harry and Gerald. I mean you, you never know how someone's going to take things like that. And well, maybe I wanted you to love me a little more too. You believe me, don't you? You don't think I was gonna marry you without telling you? You don't think that badly of me? Or do you?
I took the further precaution of telling him the plot of Cecilia, or the Coachman's Daughter, a gaslight melodrama...I filled him full of handsome coachmen, elderly Earls, young wives, and the two little girls who looked exactly alike.
You mean he actually swallowed that?
Like a wolf. Well, and now that you've got him, what are you gonna do with him?
I'm going to finish what I started, I'm going to dine with him, dance with him, swim with him, laugh at his jokes, canoodle with him and then one day, about six weeks from now...It won't even take six weeks. One day, about two weeks from now, we'll be riding in the hills, past waterfalls and mountain greenery, up and down ravines and around through vine-covered trails, 'til we come to a spot where the scenery will be so gorgeous, it will rise up and smite me on the head like a hammer. And the sunset will be so beautiful I'll have to get off my horse to admire it, and as I stand there against the glory of Mother Nature, my horse will steal up behind me and nuzzle my hair, AND SO WILL CHARLES, THE HEEL.
I'm afraid you've stumbled on the sorrow of Sidwich, the secret of the century. Lady Eve's father, the Earl, married Eve's younger mother in a May-November romance, even a March-December...Into the gulf that separated the unfortunate couple, there was a coachman on the estate, a gay dog, a great hand with the horses and the ladies, need I say more...They called him 'Handsome Harry'.
That's the father of the girl on the boat.
Of course it is, the father of the other child, after the divorce, of course.
But they looked exactly alike.
We must close our minds to that fact as it brings up the dreadful and thoroughly unfounded suspicion that we must carry to our tombs, as it is utterly untenable that the coachman, in both instances...need I say more?
Good morning, sir. Fruit, cereal, bacon and egg, egg and sausage, sausage and hot cake, hot cake and ham, ham and egg, egg and bacon, bacon and...
Gimme a spoonful of milk, a raw pigeon's egg and four house flies. If you can't catch any, I'll settle for a cockroach.
That's the same dame. She looks the same, she walks the same, and she's tossing you just like she done the last time.
You mean you were playing me for a sucker? I don't believe it. But if you were, if you were just trying to make me feel cheap and hurt me, you succeeded handsomely. You ought to be very proud of yourself, Mr. Pike, very proud of yourself.
I want to see him first and I want him to ask me to be free. That's all. No money, no nothing....there's something I want to say to him before we part.
