[Billy makes noises playing with a toy plane]
All right, come on, put that down and eat your dinner, it's getting cold.
You do not hate it. You had it last week and you loved it.
I hate the brown stuff. It's gross.
All that is is onions and gravy.
You are not allergic to onions. You had this last week, and remember, I told you it was my favorite when I was a little boy, and you said 'It's my favorite, too.'
Yes, you did. Here. It's regular hamburger. Just give it a little bite. It's delicious!
[Billy make a sound as though about to throw up]
So what's the matter?
I think I'm gonna throw up.
No, you're not, now you're gonna eat your...
It is not 'yucky', Billy. Eat it!
Do you remember to bring the chocolate chip ice cream home?
[angrily, making fun of Billy's question]
Yes, I did remember to bring the chocolate chip ice cream home, and you can't have any of it until you eat all your dinner, and then eat your meat and your corn... [changes tone of voice] Where are you going? Get back here right now, did you hear me? You'd better not do that. You'd better stop right there, fella, I'm warning you. Hey! Did you hear me? [while Billy bring ice cream to the table] Now you listen to me! Don't be smart now. You go right back and put that back until you finish your dinner so eat it... Okay, I'm warning you, you take one bite out of that and you're in big trouble. Don't... Hey! Don't you dare... Don't you dare do that. You hear me? Hey! Stop! Hold it right there! You put that ice cream in your mouth and you are in very, very, very big trouble! Don't you dare go anywhere beyond that... Put it down right now, I'm not going to say it again. I'm not going to say it again! [Billy eat ice cream and Ted loses his temper, gets up from the chair to snatch Billy up and cart him toward his bedroom as punishment] I am not...
[shrieking]
Ow! You're hurting me! [kicks Ted]
[raging madly]
That's it! OW! Don't you kick me!
[Ted kicks the door open as they reach the bedroom] [furious]
Well, you're no bargain either, pal! You are a spoiled, rotten little brat and I'll tell you right now... [unceremoniously dumps him on the bed]
[yelling furiously]
I HATE YOU!!!
[still furious, ignoring Billy's rant]
AND I HATE YOU BACK, YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! [storms out of the room]
[crying]
I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!
[coldly and bitterly]
I'm all you got! [furiously slams the door]
[does a tantrum]
I want my mommy!
[Ted and Billy are having dinner]
How was school today?
Hey, I see the Knicks finally won a game, what do you know?
Boston? Why do you like Boston?
Because Mommy's from Boston.
Okay, sit up and try to eat. Come on.
Can I be excused? I wanna go to bed.
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Louise, give me a hand.
L Louise
You're 15 minutes late. Mr. O'Connor is very upset.
L Louise
Yes. Do you want your mail now?
No, just give me the messages. Remind me to get a Crying Chrissie doll at lunch.
L Louise
And there's a PTA meeting at the school on Tuesday at 4.
Right, thanks. Put the chicken in the refrigerator.
Margaret Kramer Know who Charley's seeing now?
Margaret Kramer A divorced woman with two little girls the same age as Kim and Petey.
Are you kidding? Are you kidding?
Margaret Kramer Nope.
Margaret Kramer I know.
How long has it been since you and Charlie broke up?
Margaret Kramer A year and a half.
That long? I did I ever tell you how sorry, how really sad Joanna and I were, when you guys split?
Margaret Kramer Look at that cute little boy [laughs] over there.
You think you'll ever get married again?
Margaret Kramer Uh-uh.
Margaret Kramer Uh-uh!
Margaret Kramer I don't know, maybe it's different if you don't have children, but... even if Charley and I aren't living together, and even if we're sleeping with other people, and... even if Charley were to get married again... I don't know, he's still... my husband and he's still the father of my children and... [sighs] That stuff about "till death do you part," that's really true.
Well, let me ask you this. Let's say Charley finishes his midlife crisis, and he's had it with his flings, and comes asking for forgiveness. What would you do?
Margaret Kramer I think...that if he really loved me...he wouldn't have let me divorce him. [long pause]
You still think about him, don't you?
Margaret Kramer Only all the time. [pause] Think about Joanna?
Margaret Kramer [laughs]
You liar!
Some pair, boy...
[Margaret laughs]
I'm sorry too. I want you to go to sleep because it's really late.
No. I'm staying here with you. You can't get rid of me that easy.
That's why Mommy left, isn't it? Because I was bad?
Is that what you think? No. That's not it, Billy. Your mom loves you very much... and the reason she left has nothing to do with you. I don't know if this will make sense, but I'll try to explain it to you. I think the reason why Mommy left... was because for a long time... I kept trying to make her be a certain kind of person. A certain kind of wife that I thought she was supposed to be. And she just wasn't like that. She was... She just wasn't like that. I think that she tried for so long to make me happy... and when she couldn't, she tried to talk to me about it. But I wasn't listening. I was too busy, too wrapped up... just thinking about myself. And I thought that anytime I was happy, she was happy. But I think underneath she was very sad. Mommy stayed here longer than she wanted because she loves you so much. And the reason why Mommy couldn't stay anymore... was because she couldn't stand me. She didn't leave because of you. She left because of me. Go to sleep now because it's really late, okay? Good night. Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
See you in the morning light.
I woke up this morning, kept thinking about Billy and I-I was thinking about him waking up in his room with his little clouds all around that I painted. And I thought I should have painted clouds downtown, because then he would think that he was waking up at home. I came here to take my son home. And I realized he already is home. Oh, I love him very much. [Joanna and Ted hug] I'm not gonna take him with me. Can I go up and talk to him?...
Listen why don't you go upstairs and see him and I'll wait here.
[wipes the tears from her eyes and pats her hair]
How do I look?
[while Billy brings ice cream to the table]
Now you listen to me! Don't be smart now. You go right back and put that back until you finish your dinner... I'm warning you, you take one bite out of that and you're in big trouble. Don't... Hey! Don't you dare... Don't you dare do that. You hear me? Hey! Stop-- Hold it right there! You put that ice cream in your mouth and you are in very, very, very big trouble! Don't you dare go anywhere beyond that... Put it down right now. I am not going to say it again. I am not going to say it again!
[Billy eats ice cream] [loses his temper, shoots up from the chair and forcefully snatches Billy up and carts him toward his bedroom as punishment]
I had enough!
[shrieking]
Ow! You're hurting me! [kicks Ted]
[raging furious]
OW! Don't you kick me!
[Ted kicks the door open as they reach the bedroom] [furious]
Well, you're no bargain either, pal! You are a spoiled, rotten little brat and I'll tell you right now... [unceremoniously dumps him on the bed]
[snapping with rude]
I HATE YOU!
[still furious, ignoring Billy's rant]
And I hate you back, you little shit! [storms out of the room]
[crying]
I want my mommy!
[heartlessly]
I'm all you got! [slams the door]
[does a tantrum]
I want my mommy!
For the last six months I've been spitting blood to get this agency one of the biggest account it's ever had. And at five o'clock this afternoon, we got the account. At eight o'clock, I am walking home with the vice president and tells me I'll be the next creative director of this department. I come through this door to share with my wife one of the five best days of my life, and she looks at me and tells me she doesn't want to live with me anymore!. Can't you understand what she's done to me?
Margaret Phelps Yeah, She loused up one of the five best days of your life.
You're terrific. Boy, you're.... thanks very much, really. Sisterhood.
Margaret, I just need to know something. Did you set my wife up to this?
Margaret Phelps No, I did not put Joanna up to this.
Give her a little pep talk, maybe?
Margaret Phelps Joanna is a very unhappy woman and it took a lot of courage for her to walk out of here.
Really. How much courage does it take to walk out on your kid?
BK Billy Kramer, Phyllis Bernard
[Phyllis, naked, leaves the bedroom to use the bathroom. She runs into Billy, who is en route to the same place] [simultaneously]
Hi.
Phyllis Bernard I'm Phyllis Bernard.
Phyllis Bernard I'm a friend... uh, business associate of your father's... dad.
[In the bedroom]
Oh, Jesus.
Do you like fried chicken?
Phyllis Bernard Fried chicken? Very much.
Phyllis Bernard Uhm... well, it's really... It's been nice seeing you and...
Phyllis Bernard Bye.
Phyllis Bernard [Phyllis comes back to the bedroom]
Kramer, I just met your son.
[Joanna returns to New York]
All my life I've felt like...somebody's wife or somebody's mother, somebody's daughter. Even all the time we were together I never knew who I was. And that's why I had to go away. And in California, I think I found myself. I got myself a job. I got myself a therapist, a really good one. And I feel better about myself than I ever have in my whole life. I learned a great deal about myself.
Such as?... No, really, I'd really like to know what you learned.
Well, I've learned that I love my little boy. And that I'm capable of taking care of him.
Don't get defensive. Don't try to bully me.
I'm not getting defensive. Who walked out 15 months ago?
I don't care. I'm still his mother.
Yeah, from 300 miles away. And because you sent post cards gives you the right to come back?
I never stopped wanting him.
What makes you sure he wants you?
What makes you sure he doesn't want me?
Okay look. We're gonna sit here and bat this back and forth. It's like old times.
Don't tell me what I can or cannot do! Don't talk to me that way!
Okey look, I don't want to hear this. Do what you have to. I'll do what I have to.
Fine... I am very sorry about this.
Okey, just do what you have to do.
[Ted Kramer gets fired]
You're firing me?
Jim O'Connor Yeah, I'm letting you go, yes.
Jim O'Connor Now, look, Ted, this is a very painful thing for me. You don't know how badly I feel,. I've been getting a lot of pressure from the guys upstairs, and there wasn't anything else I could do. I thought a lot about this and it's really better this way. If I took your stripes... if I put you on a schlock account, you'd hate it, and me for doing it. This way it's a clean break. And believe me, that's the best thing.
You know my wife is fighting me for custody?. You know that we're going to court?. Do you know what my chances are if I'm out of a job?.
Jim O'Connor Look, I understand that you're upset...
I don't want to beg, but I'm asking you, please, as a friend. Ah?... I'm asking you.
Jim O'Connor You're an extremely bright guy. You've got a hell of a talent. You're gonna land on your feet. You're gonna survive...Teddy, look. I know you may be short on cash. No big hurry about paying this back.
[Ted Kramer hires a lawyer]
I don't know the legal jargon for it, but I think it's "desertion." I don't mean to tell you your job, but I think I have an open-and-shut case.
John Shaunessy Well, at first Mr. Kramer, there's no such thing as an open-and- shut case where custody is involved. I'll bet your ex-wife has already found a lawyer who's advised her to move back to establish residency. The burden is on us to prove that your ex-wife is an unfit mother. That means I'll have to play rough. If I play rough, you can bet they will too. Can you take that?
John Shaunessy And it's going to cost you $15,000.
[having lunch with his boss]
So the other morning, I'm at the refrigerator... you know, getting Billy ready for school. So I'm just in my underwear and he notices I've lost weight. And he comes in and pats me. He comes up to here... [touches his stomach]... and he says "Daddy, you've really lost a lot of weight", he looks up at me and he says "And it's all gone to your nose." [laughs] He was so cute. You know?
