Shouldn't we wait for the other guest?
Yvette I will keep something warm for him.
What did you have in mind, dear?
I prefer Kipling myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
I'm merely a humble butler.
Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
So your work has not changed.
I am, but I don't practice.
But practice makes perfect. Ha! I think most men need a little practice, don't you Mrs. Peacock?
The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
Oh, come on. You don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the study, two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram.
One plus two plus two plus one.
Un-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier, that's one plus two plus ONE plus one.
Even if you're right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not "one plus TWO plus one plus one."
Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... SHUT UP! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!
Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
Does the FBI make a habit of cleaning up after multiple murders?
Yes! Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
He was deranged, he was... lunatic. He didn't seem to like me very much. He had threatened to kill me in public.
Why would he want to kill you in public?
I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
Oh. And was that his final word on the matter?
Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared!
Well, that was his job. He was an illusionist.
But he never RE-appeared!
He wasn't a very good illusionist.
C Cop
This man is drunk. Dead drunk!
C Cop
You're not going to drive home, are you?
He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that!
C Cop
Somebody will give him a lift, huh?
Oh, we'll...we'll...we'll get him a car!
[Elbows him in ribs.]
A limousine!
C Cop
You all seem to be very anxious about something.
[Dismissively]
Ah yes, the chandelier. It fell down, almost killed us.
No, no, no. You go first.
Well, what are you afraid of? A fate worse than death?
No, just death. Isn't that enough?
Yvette Go on. I'll be right behind you.
Oh no! Nobody can get into that position!
Sure they can, let me show you. [Climbs on top of her.]
B Mr. Boddy
What are they all doin' here?
Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
I don't know. He's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?!
C Cop
Let me out of here! Let me out, you have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty...and MURDER!
[Opens door.]
What do you mean - murder?
C Cop
I just said that so you would open the door.
Help yourself to a drink, if you like. Not the cognac, just in case.
C Cop
Just in case of what?
[Col. Mustard looks into the study.]
Just checking.
Yep, two corpses, everything's fine.
Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here?!
How can we throw him outside in this weather?
If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious.
If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious.
If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!
[hysterically]
Oh, who cares, that guy doesn't matter! Let him stay, locked up, for another half an hour! The police will be here by then, and there are TWO DEAD BODIES, IN THE STUDY!
Well, he couldn't have been dead.
He was! At least I thought he was. But, what difference does it make now?
Makes quite a difference to him!
Okay. [He proceeds to pat Miss Scarlet down like some kind of masher.]
I was going to expose you.
I know, so I choose to expose myself.
Please, there are ladies present!
Wadsworth, am I right in thinking that there is nobody else in this house?
So there is someone else in the house?
No, sorry. I said 'no' meaning 'yes'.
No meaning yes? Look, I want a straight answer: is there someone else or isn't there, yes or no?
"No" there is? Or "no" there isn't?
Well there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in the house.
There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anyone else?
Look, would you just give me a clear answer?
Certainly! What was the question?
Is there anybody else in the house?!
CM Colonel Mustard
There's very little time left, so we'll split up into pairs.
Wait a minute! Suppose that one of us is the murderer. If we split up into pairs, whichever one of us is left with the killer might get killed!
CM Colonel Mustard
Then we will have discovered who the murderer is!
But the other half of the pair would be DEAD!
CM Colonel Mustard
This is war Peacock! Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that!
But look what happened to the cook!
Well to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service, which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.
Oh yeah? [Takes a pen and notepad from his pocket] What's the phone number?
B Mr. Boddy
[from the third ending] [Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth, who reveals himself to be Mr. Boddy]
Good shot, Green!
B Mr. Boddy
[Wadsworth slumps to the floor, checks his chest, revealing a bloody palm]
Oh, VERY good...
[Dies.] Note: FROM ONE OF THREE ALTERNATE ENDINGS
Yvette [upon being assigned to search the attic]: But it is dark upstairs and I am frightened of the dark, will anyone go with me?
CM Colonel Mustard
I will.
[turning away]
No thank you.
[from the third ending]
YOU'RE Mr. Boddy!
[Wadsworth chuckles]
Wait a minute! So who did I kill?
Who would want to kill the cook?
CM Colonel Mustard
How can you make jokes at a time like this?
It's my defense mechanism.
CM Colonel Mustard
Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next!
CM Colonel Mustard
[Everyone looks at accusingly Colonel Mustard]
I said IF! IF!
[The cop has just inspected the study and lounge, where the guests have disguised the bodies so it looks like they are making love. Wadsworth does not know this, and sees the cop exiting the lounge.]
Officer!
C Cop
You're too late, I've seen it all.
You have? I can explain everything!
C Cop
Don't worry! There's nothing illegal about any of this!
C Cop
Of course! This is America!
C Cop
It's a free country! Don't you know that?
I didn't know it was THAT free.
[Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard have entered the lounge through the secret passage. The secret passage has closed behind them, the lounge door is locked from the outside, and Wadsworth has lost the key to the lounge door]
LET US IN! LET US IN!
SA Miss Scarlet and Colonel Mustard
LET US OUT! LET US OUT!
[Looking at negatives]
Very pretty. Would you like to see these, Yvette? They might shock you!
Yvette Non, merci. I am a lay-dee.
Oh, how do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a "lay-dee"?
What sort of pictures are they?
They are MY pictures and I'd like them back, please.
Why would anyone want to kill him twice?
That's what we call overkill.
That's what we call psychotic.
CM Colonel Mustard
Looks like a secret passage.
Shall we see where it goes?
CM Colonel Mustard
What the hell. I'll go first... I've had a good life.
PP Professor Plum
It’s frightened.
So what does your husband do?
Well, he just lies around on his back all day.
Sounds like hard work to me.
I am willing to believe you. I too am being blackmailed for something I didn’t do.
You’re not being blackmailed?
Oh I’m being blackmailed all right. But I did what I’m being blackmailed for.
And Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a colonel’s pay.
I don’t. I came into money during the war when I lost my mommy and daddy.
...and to make a long story short...
EE Everybody else
Too late!
