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View Quote Since she left, everything in the flat is sad. Everything needed lulling to sleep. [to soap bar] You've lost a lot of weight, you know. You used to be so chubby. Have more confidence in yourself. [to washcloth] You have to stop crying, you know. Where's your strength and absorbency? You're so shabby these days.

View Quote I thought we'd stay together for the long haul, flying like a jumbo jet on a full tank. But we changed course.

View Quote [after he finds out his apartment was flooded] Did I leave the tap running, or is the apartment getting more tearful? I always thought it would cope okay. Didn't expect it to cry so much. When people cry, they can dry their eyes with tissues. But when an apartment cries, it takes a lot to mop it up.

View Quote [to new soap's bar] You mustn't let yourself go. You've gained weight so fast. She may have gone but life goes on. You must stop indulging yourself. [to new towel] You're a real disappointment to me. You've changed so much. You can't just switch personality like this. Her walking out is no excuse. [as it drips] It was such a relief when I saw it crying. It may look different, but it's still true to itself. It's still an emotionally charged towel.

View Quote [after his date failed to meet him in "California" restaurant] Actually she did go to California that evening. But it was the other one.

View Quote [to Faye about previous restaurant's owner] He has great business sense. First he sold me fish and chips, then the whole thing.