Thanks for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Were expecting some great pieces. (Sighs) Guys in publicity, now want a Times feature, which is the worst idea right now. (deep breath) (looks up at Riggan) What are you doing?
That was a present from the crew. Don't **** with those guys; they're union.
I don't care.
How'd it go?
Good.
They talk about Ralph at all? He did it, you know. The mother****er did it. Threatened to sue us. Didn't even wait to get out of the hospital.
What'd you say?
What did I say?
I said, "You mother****er, are you threatening me?" I swear to God, I so much as get a letter from a lawyer, then the press is gonna get the pictures off your computer. That's what I said.
What pictures?
He has a thing for nuns in diapers. Why do you care? You shouldn't have any knowledge of that, anyway. The point is, I made it go away.
That's right. That's great.
Yeah, it is fantastic, except one thing.
What?
We don't have an actor.
Uh-huh.
And if we cancel the first preview the press is gonna smell blood, and we can't afford to lose any more money at all.
Okay, what do you think I should do?
Well, we hired an understudy; let's use the understudy.
No.
Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen. Our perfect dream actor is not gonna knock on that door and go, "Hey, fellas, when do I start?" You know? (Someone knocks on the door)
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, what's up?
Did you find another actor?
No.
Okay, well, Mike's available.
He is?
Mm-hmm.
Mike who?
I thought he was doing the thing...
He was...He quit...Or got fired.
Mike who?
Which is it, Quit or Fired?
Well, with Mike, it's usually both.
Mike **** who?
Shiner.
YES!
Jake.
Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner?
We share a vagina.
You think he'd want to do it?
Mm-hmm.
How do you know?
Cause he told me he'd want to do it.
Jake, Jake.
Yes! Yes. Ask me if he sells tickets.
Fine, does he sell tickets?
He sells a shitload of tickets.
Okay.
Now ask me if the theater critics love him.
Do theater critics love him?
They want to spooge on him.
Hey. (Doesn't want Lesley to be offended by language)
Lesley.
Right on his face.
Everything for a reason, right?
You think he'd come in this evening?
I'll call him and find out.
(Kisses Lesley)
I'll call his agent. (whispering): Oh, baby. Amazing, amazing. (Walks downstairs) Annie? Clear the theater, send everyone to dinner and give me some lights. We got a put-in tonight.
Who?
You'll find out.
