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Jake: Thanks for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Were expecting some great pieces. (Sighs) Guys in publicity, now want a Times feature, which is the worst idea right now. (deep breath) (looks up at Riggan) What are you doing?
Riggan: (Takes down poster of Birdman) I don't want to look at this anymore.
Jake: That was a present from the crew. Don't **** with those guys; they're union.
Riggan: I don't care.
Jake: How'd it go?
Riggan: Good.
Jake: They talk about Ralph at all? He did it, you know. The mother****er did it. Threatened to sue us. Didn't even wait to get out of the hospital.
Riggan: What'd you say?
Jake: What did I say?
Riggan: (Riggan can't find a good spot for poster) Shit. Goddamn it. Where am I gonna put this?
Jake: I said, "You mother****er, are you threatening me?" I swear to God, I so much as get a letter from a lawyer, then the press is gonna get the pictures off your computer. That's what I said.
Riggan: What pictures?
Jake: He has a thing for nuns in diapers. Why do you care? You shouldn't have any knowledge of that, anyway. The point is, I made it go away.
Riggan: That's right. That's great.
Jake: Yeah, it is fantastic, except one thing.
Riggan: What?
Jake: We don't have an actor.
Riggan: Uh-huh.
Jake: And if we cancel the first preview the press is gonna smell blood, and we can't afford to lose any more money at all.
Riggan: Okay, what do you think I should do?
Jake: Well, we hired an understudy; let's use the understudy.
Riggan: No.
Jake: Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen. Our perfect dream actor is not gonna knock on that door and go, "Hey, fellas, when do I start?" You know? (Someone knocks on the door)
Lesley: Can I talk to you for a second?
Riggan: Yeah, what's up?
Lesley: Did you find another actor?
Riggan: No.
Lesley: Okay, well, Mike's available.
Riggan: He is?
Lesley: Mm-hmm.
Jake: Mike who?
Riggan: I thought he was doing the thing...
Lesley: He was...He quit...Or got fired.
Jake: Mike who?
Riggan: Which is it, Quit or Fired?
Lesley: Well, with Mike, it's usually both.
Jake: Mike ****ing who?
Lesley: Shiner.
Jake: YES!
Riggan: Jake.
Jake: Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner?
Lesley: We share a vagina.
Riggan: You think he'd want to do it?
Lesley: Mm-hmm.
Jake: How do you know?
Lesley: Cause he told me he'd want to do it.
Riggan: Jake, Jake.
Jake: Yes! Yes. Ask me if he sells tickets.
Riggan: Fine, does he sell tickets?
Jake: He sells a shitload of tickets.
Riggan: Okay.
Jake: Now ask me if the theater critics love him.
Riggan: Do theater critics love him?
Jake: They want to spooge on him.
Riggan: Hey. (Doesn't want Lesley to be offended by language)
Jake: Lesley.
Lesley: Right on his face.
Jake: Everything for a reason, right?
Riggan: You think he'd come in this evening?
Lesley: I'll call him and find out.
Jake: (Kisses Lesley) I'll call his agent. (whispering): Oh, baby. Amazing, amazing. (Walks downstairs) Annie? Clear the theater, send everyone to dinner and give me some lights. We got a put-in tonight.
Annie: Who?
Jake: You'll find out.

Jake : Thanks for coming out. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Were expecting some great pieces. (Sighs) Guys in publicity, now want a Times feature, which is the worst idea right now. (deep breath) (looks up at Riggan) What are you doing? Riggan : (Takes down poster of Birdman) I don't want to look at this anymore. Jake : That was a present from the crew. Don't **** with those guys; they're union. Riggan : I don't care. Jake : How'd it go? Riggan : Good. Jake : They talk about Ralph at all? He did it, you know. The mother****er did it. Threatened to sue us. Didn't even wait to get out of the hospital. Riggan : What'd you say? Jake : What did I say? Riggan : (Riggan can't find a good spot for poster) Shit. Goddamn it. Where am I gonna put this? Jake : I said, "You mother****er, are you threatening me?" I swear to God, I so much as get a letter from a lawyer, then the press is gonna get the pictures off your computer. That's what I said. Riggan : What pictures? Jake : He has a thing for nuns in diapers. Why do you care? You shouldn't have any knowledge of that, anyway. The point is, I made it go away. Riggan : That's right. That's great. Jake : Yeah, it is fantastic, except one thing. Riggan : What? Jake : We don't have an actor. Riggan : Uh-huh. Jake : And if we cancel the first preview the press is gonna smell blood, and we can't afford to lose any more money at all. Riggan : Okay, what do you think I should do? Jake : Well, we hired an understudy; let's use the understudy. Riggan : No. Jake : Riggan, listen to me. Please, for the love of God, listen. Our perfect dream actor is not gonna knock on that door and go, "Hey, fellas, when do I start?" You know? (Someone knocks on the door) Lesley : Can I talk to you for a second? Riggan : Yeah, what's up? Lesley : Did you find another actor? Riggan : No. Lesley : Okay, well, Mike's available. Riggan : He is? Lesley : Mm-hmm. Jake : Mike who? Riggan : I thought he was doing the thing... Lesley : He was...He quit...Or got fired. Jake : Mike who? Riggan : Which is it, Quit or Fired? Lesley : Well, with Mike, it's usually both. Jake : Mike ****ing who? Lesley : Shiner. Jake : YES! Riggan : Jake. Jake : Oh my gosh! How do you know Mike Shiner? Lesley : We share a vagina. Riggan : You think he'd want to do it? Lesley : Mm-hmm. Jake : How do you know? Lesley : Cause he told me he'd want to do it. Riggan : Jake, Jake. Jake : Yes! Yes. Ask me if he sells tickets. Riggan : Fine, does he sell tickets? Jake : He sells a shitload of tickets. Riggan : Okay. Jake : Now ask me if the theater critics love him. Riggan : Do theater critics love him? Jake : They want to spooge on him. Riggan : Hey. (Doesn't want Lesley to be offended by language) Jake : Lesley. Lesley : Right on his face. Jake : Everything for a reason, right? Riggan : You think he'd come in this evening? Lesley : I'll call him and find out. Jake : (Kisses Lesley) I'll call his agent. (whispering): Oh, baby. Amazing, amazing. (Walks downstairs) Annie? Clear the theater, send everyone to dinner and give me some lights. We got a put-in tonight. Annie : Who? Jake : You'll find out.