My name is Ash and I am a slave. As far as I can tell, the year is 1300 A.D and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't always like this, I had a normal life, once. [now Ash is in a flashback] Hardware aisle twelve, shop smart, shop S-Mart! [back to monologue] I had a wonderful girlfriend; Linda. [Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin] Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon ex Mortis, the Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumarrian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. [something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams] It took Linda, and then it came, for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. [Ash is seen cutting off his hand] But that didn't stop it. so It came back. Big time. [Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] For God's sake! How do you stop it?!
Most-quoted character in Army of Darkness (1992): in 49 of its 68 quotes
Most scenes with: Wiseman (4), Evil Ash (3)
Alright, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my boomstick! - [continuing nonchalantly] - It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart. Shop S-Mart... You got that?!!
More lines from Ash
32 quotesGive me some sugar, baby.
Good... bad... I'm the guy with the gun.
Alright... who wants some?
Yo! She-bitch! Let's go.
First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.
Groovy.
Don't touch that please. Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and... things with molecular structures and the-
Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth.
Now I swear the next one of you primates even touches me...
KLAATU... VERATA... N--... [mutters to self] necktie... nectar... nickel... it's an n-word, definitely an n-word... [dramatically] It's definitely an n-word.
Shut the door! Were you raised in a barn?! ... [mutters to self] probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives...
It's a trick. Get an axe.
Maybe. Just maybe my boys can protect the book. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.
Now whoa whoa whoa right there spinach chin!
That's it, go ahead and run! Run home and cry to mama!
Say hello to the twenty-first century!
Oh you little bastards! All right, I'll crush each and every last one of ya! I'll squash you so hard you'll have to look down to look up!
Sure, I could have stayed in the past. I could have even been king. But in my own way, I am king. [grabs girl close] Hail to the king, baby. [Ash kisses the girl]
Buckle up, bonehead, 'cause you're goin' for a ride.
Gimme some sugar, baby.
Three books? Wait a minute... hold it. Nobody said anything about three books! Ooh, that stinkin' wiseman! He was so busy fillin' me full of his secret little words and his phrases and his BULLSHIT, that he never said anything about this!
Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N [clears his throat into his hand, then pauses] Okay... that's it!
A man's body is his own personal property. Don't let anybody try and take that away from him. [to body of Evil Ash] That'll teach you. Yeah, that'll teach you. [throws body in hole]
Three books?! Wait a minute. Hold it. Nobody said anything about three books. Like... like what am I supposed to do? Take one book, or all books? Or... or what? You... I'll get back to you. Well, it seems fairly obvious. Ooh, wait a minute... the words... right, right, right. Say the words. CLATOO... VERATA... N... Nicty, Nictor, Nicle... It's an "N" word. Definitely an "N" word. OK than. That's it! Hey, wait a minute. Everything's cool. I said the words!
I'm through being their garbage boy. I did my part. Now I want back, like in the deal.
Get the **** outta my faceǃ
There's so damn many of themǃ
OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT!
TALLY HOOOO! [kicks him off the castle wall]
Oh God...! No! NO! I SLEPT TOO LOOOOOOONG!!!!!!
How about some hot chocolate? huh?
Scenes with Ash
16 scenesYou're not one of my vassals... who are you?
Who wants to know?
I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things: Jack and shit... and Jack just left town.
But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.
Klaatu verata nikto.
Well, repeat them.
Klaatu verata nikto.
Again.
I got it, I got it! I know your damn words, alright?
I'll swallow your soul!
Come get some.
Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Who the hell are you?
Name's Ash. [**** rifle] Housewares.
You found me beautiful once...
Honey, you got reeeal ugly!
You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!
Hey! What's that you got on your face?
Huh?
When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?
Yeah, basically.
Did you speak the exact words?
Look, maybe I didn't say every tiny syllable, no. But basically I said them, yeah.
What are you? Are you me?
What are do? Are you me? HAHAHAHAHAH! You sound like a jerk!
Why ya doin' this, huh?
Oh, you wanna know? 'Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!
Good, Bad, I'm the guy with the gun
What are you? Are you me?
I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!
Good, Bad, I'm the guy with the gun
Wiseman!
M'lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon. He who's is prophesized to fall from the heavens and deliver us from the terrors of the Deadites.
What? That buffoon? Likely, [raises sword] he is one of the Henry's men!
Kneel, rapscallionǃ
I say to the pit with him! You shall learn the horrors of the pitǃ
To the pit!
To the pit!
You miserable bast- [gets grabbed by knights]
Get himǃ
Get off of meǃ Let me goǃ
You're gonna have a little bit of wee fun, mate. To the castleǃ
This path will lead you to an unholy place, a cemetery. There, the Necronomicon awaits. When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words "[[w:Klaatu (The Day the Earth Stood Still)|Klaatu Barada Nikto"ʼ.
"Klaatu Barada Nikto." Okay...
Well, repeat them.
"Klaatu Barada Nikto".
Again!
I GOT IT, I GOT IT! I know your damn words, all right?! Now you get this straight, the both of ya: if I get that book, you send me back. After that, I'm history.
Hey, let's scare this guy good, come on. [mini Ashes pick up a fireplace trident with the front mini Ash screaming;] Ramming speedǃ [They run the trident into Ash's rear end who screams and jumps up banging head on beam] Ready, aim, fireǃ [discharges shotgun missing Ash]
Oh, you little bastards! All right! I'll crush each and every one of ya! I'll crush you to PIECES, I'm telling ya! I'll squash you so hard, you'll have to look up to look down--
Hey, dumbass! [drops a bucket down onto his head] Surf's upǃ [running with broom] Let's get him nowǃ [causes Ash to lose his balance]
Oops.
Well, my dear... say hello to the boys.
I may be bad, but I feel... good.
Who rules?ǃ
To you, my Lordǃ
You, sir.
To the castleǃ
The castleǃ
The men are afraidǃ
It's too perilous
Quit your belly achingǃ I know you're scare. We're all scaredǃ But that doesn't mean we're cowardsǃ We can take these deaditesǃ we can take themǃ With science.
Once I get the necronomicon, I shall rule, [Possessed Sheila] and you shall be my queen. [holds out hand and grunts to an unattentive Sheila, who complies]
Whoa. [To Ash] My Lord, we have position on both fronts.
Fine, fine, fine... Where are they keeping my book?ǃ
There my Lord, beyond the drawbridge and the second wall. That would be the most likely place.
I will not allow anything to keep me from possessing that necronomiconǃ Now... Bring me forth into the castle!
Forward! By havoc let them loose the dogs of war! To the castle! Fly, mate, flyǃ Death to the mortals!






