A character in Army of Darkness (1992)

Ash quotes from Army of Darkness (1992)

Bruce Campbell

Most-quoted character in Army of Darkness (1992): in 49 of its 68 quotes
Most scenes with: Wiseman (4), Evil Ash (3)

A line from Ash

Alright, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my boomstick! - [continuing nonchalantly] - It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart. Shop S-Mart... You got that?!!

More lines from Ash

32 quotes
Ash

My name is Ash and I am a slave. As far as I can tell, the year is 1300 A.D and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't always like this, I had a normal life, once. [now Ash is in a flashback] Hardware aisle twelve, shop smart, shop S-Mart! [back to monologue] I had a wonderful girlfriend; Linda. [Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin] Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon ex Mortis, the Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumarrian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. [something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams] It took Linda, and then it came, for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. [Ash is seen cutting off his hand] But that didn't stop it. so It came back. Big time. [Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] For God's sake! How do you stop it?!

Ash
[to Sheila]

First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.

Ash

Don't touch that please. Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and... things with molecular structures and the-

Ash

Now I swear the next one of you primates even touches me...

Ash
[dramatically]

KLAATU... VERATA... N--... [mutters to self] necktie... nectar... nickel... it's an n-word, definitely an n-word... [dramatically] It's definitely an n-word.

Ash

Shut the door! Were you raised in a barn?! ... [mutters to self] probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives...

Ash

Maybe. Just maybe my boys can protect the book. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

Ash

That's it, go ahead and run! Run home and cry to mama!

Ash

Oh you little bastards! All right, I'll crush each and every last one of ya! I'll squash you so hard you'll have to look down to look up!

Ash

Sure, I could have stayed in the past. I could have even been king. But in my own way, I am king. [grabs girl close] Hail to the king, baby. [Ash kisses the girl]

Ash

Buckle up, bonehead, 'cause you're goin' for a ride.

Ash
[about to kiss Sheila]

Gimme some sugar, baby.

Ash

Three books? Wait a minute... hold it. Nobody said anything about three books! Ooh, that stinkin' wiseman! He was so busy fillin' me full of his secret little words and his phrases and his BULLSHIT, that he never said anything about this!

Ash

Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N [clears his throat into his hand, then pauses] Okay... that's it!

Ash

A man's body is his own personal property. Don't let anybody try and take that away from him. [to body of Evil Ash] That'll teach you. Yeah, that'll teach you. [throws body in hole]

Ash

Three books?! Wait a minute. Hold it. Nobody said anything about three books. Like... like what am I supposed to do? Take one book, or all books? Or... or what? You... I'll get back to you. Well, it seems fairly obvious. Ooh, wait a minute... the words... right, right, right. Say the words. CLATOO... VERATA... N... Nicty, Nictor, Nicle... It's an "N" word. Definitely an "N" word. OK than. That's it! Hey, wait a minute. Everything's cool. I said the words!

Ash
[riding horse]

I'm through being their garbage boy. I did my part. Now I want back, like in the deal.

Ash
[to Lord Arthur's castlers congratulating him on retrieving the necronomicon]

Get the **** outta my faceǃ

Ash
[upon approaching skeleton army]

There's so damn many of themǃ

Ash
[crushing skeletons with boulders]

OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT!

Ash
[sets "Evil Ash" on fire, then swings towards him on a rope]

TALLY HOOOO! [kicks him off the castle wall]

Ash
[Last Lines (Director's Cut)]

Oh God...! No! NO! I SLEPT TOO LOOOOOOONG!!!!!!

Scenes with Ash

16 scenes

You're not one of my vassals... who are you?

Ash

Who wants to know?

I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.

Ash

Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things: Jack and shit... and Jack just left town.

Sheila

But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?

Ash

Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.

Ash

Klaatu verata nikto.

Well, repeat them.

Ash

Klaatu verata nikto.

Again.

Ash

I got it, I got it! I know your damn words, alright?

Possessed Woman

I'll swallow your soul!

Ash

Come get some.

Ash

Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.

Possessed woman

Who the hell are you?

Ash

Name's Ash. [**** rifle] Housewares.

Possessed Sheila

You found me beautiful once...

Ash

Honey, you got reeeal ugly!

[after Ash chops up Evil Ash with a chainsaw and throws him into a hole]

You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!

Ash

Hey! What's that you got on your face?

Huh?

[Ash throws dirt on Evil Ash's face]

I'll come back for ya!

When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?

Ash

Yeah, basically.

Did you speak the exact words?

Ash

Look, maybe I didn't say every tiny syllable, no. But basically I said them, yeah.

Ash
[from Director's Cut]

What are you? Are you me?

What are do? Are you me? HAHAHAHAHAH! You sound like a jerk!

Ash

Why ya doin' this, huh?

Oh, you wanna know? 'Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!

[begins to sucker-punch Ash]

Little goody TWO-SHOES! Little goody TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE!

[honk honk honk]

LITTLE GOODY TWO-SHOES! HEHEHE

Ash
[**** shotgun and points it under Evil Ash's nose]
Ash
[fires shotgun]

Good, Bad, I'm the guy with the gun

Ash
[from Theatrical version]

What are you? Are you me?

I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!

[begins to sucker-punch Ash]

Little goody TWO-SHOES! Little goody TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE!

Ash
[**** shotgun and points it under Evil Ash's nose]
Ash
[fires shotgun]

Good, Bad, I'm the guy with the gun

Wiseman!

M'lord, I believe he is the one written of in the Necronomicon. He who's is prophesized to fall from the heavens and deliver us from the terrors of the Deadites.

What? That buffoon? Likely, [raises sword] he is one of the Henry's men!

Knight
[to Henry the Red]

Kneel, rapscallionǃ

I say to the pit with him! You shall learn the horrors of the pitǃ

Knights

To the pit!

To the pit!

Ash

You miserable bast- [gets grabbed by knights]

Knights

Get himǃ

Ash

Get off of meǃ Let me goǃ

Knights
[Wiseman picks up Ash's chainsaw]

You're gonna have a little bit of wee fun, mate. To the castleǃ

This path will lead you to an unholy place, a cemetery. There, the Necronomicon awaits. When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words "[[w:Klaatu (The Day the Earth Stood Still)|Klaatu Barada Nikto"ʼ.

Ash

"Klaatu Barada Nikto." Okay...

Well, repeat them.

Ash
[exasperated]

"Klaatu Barada Nikto".

Again!

Ash

I GOT IT, I GOT IT! I know your damn words, all right?! Now you get this straight, the both of ya: if I get that book, you send me back. After that, I'm history.

Mini Ashes
[behind Ash crouching in front of fire place]

Hey, let's scare this guy good, come on. [mini Ashes pick up a fireplace trident with the front mini Ash screaming;] Ramming speedǃ [They run the trident into Ash's rear end who screams and jumps up banging head on beam] Ready, aim, fireǃ [discharges shotgun missing Ash]

Ash
[attacked by miniature versions of himself]

Oh, you little bastards! All right! I'll crush each and every one of ya! I'll crush you to PIECES, I'm telling ya! I'll squash you so hard, you'll have to look up to look down--

"Mini Ash"

Hey, dumbass! [drops a bucket down onto his head] Surf's upǃ [running with broom] Let's get him nowǃ [causes Ash to lose his balance]

Ash
[pushes log which launches mini Ash into fireplace]

Oops.

Possessed Ash

Well, my dear... say hello to the boys.

Possessed Sheila
[lifts up hood]

I may be bad, but I feel... good.

Possessed Ash

Who rules?ǃ

Skeleton army

To you, my Lordǃ

Possessed Sheila

You, sir.

Possessed Ash

To the castleǃ

Skeleton army
[raises weapons]

The castleǃ

Castler man 1

The men are afraidǃ

Castler man 2

It's too perilous

Ash

Quit your belly achingǃ I know you're scare. We're all scaredǃ But that doesn't mean we're cowardsǃ We can take these deaditesǃ we can take themǃ With science.

Possessed Ash

Once I get the necronomicon, I shall rule, [Possessed Sheila] and you shall be my queen. [holds out hand and grunts to an unattentive Sheila, who complies]

Skeleton calvaryman
[to horse]

Whoa. [To Ash] My Lord, we have position on both fronts.

Possessed Ash

Fine, fine, fine... Where are they keeping my book?ǃ

Skeleton calvaryman

There my Lord, beyond the drawbridge and the second wall. That would be the most likely place.

Possessed Ash

I will not allow anything to keep me from possessing that necronomiconǃ Now... Bring me forth into the castle!

Skeleton calvaryman

Forward! By havoc let them loose the dogs of war! To the castle! Fly, mate, flyǃ Death to the mortals!

Other characters in Army of Darkness

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