[meeting Alice]
Who are you?
I hardly know, sir. I've changed so many times since this morning, you see...
I do not see. Explain yourself.
I'm afraid I can't explain myself, sir, because I'm not myself, you know.
Well, I can't put it any more clearly, sir, for it isn't clear to me.
Well, don't you think you should tell me... [coughs from the smoke] Who, you are first?
Oh, dear, everything is so confusing.
Well, I can't remember things like I used to, and...
Hm? Oh! Oh, yes, sir. Um, how doth the little bumblebee improve each...
Stop. That is not spoken correctically. It goes: "How-" [realizes nothing is coming out of his pipe and notices one of his set of hands grasping on the tube, clogging it; he slaps the hands to get it off the pipe; Alice giggles a bit, but the Caterpillar gives Alice a displeasing look] "How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail. And pour the waters of the Nile, on every golden scale. How cheer- [shakes a bit. He notices one set of feet teetering on the leaf he's sitting on; he grabs them and puts them back on the leaf with a grumble; Alice giggles again] How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws. And welcomes little fishes in, with gently smiling jaws. [looks at Alice]
Well, I must say, I've never heard it that way before.
I know. I have improved it. [blows smoke in Alice's face; she coughs]
You? [scoffs] Who are you? [Alice coughs as her head is enveloped in smoke. Fed up with the Caterpillar's nonsense, she storms off before stopping to kick a cloud of smoke off her shoe. She turns back to face the Caterpillar and leaves, her head turned up. He notices Alice leaving] You there. Little girl, wait! Come back! I have something important to say!
Oh dear. I wonder what he wants now... [She returns to the Caterpillar, blowing a smoke arrow at a smoke target] Well?
No. Exactly, what is your problem?
Well, it's precisely this. I should like to be a little larger, sir.
Well, after all, three inches is such a wretched height, and...
[suddenly angry]
I am exactly three inches high, and it is a very good height, indeed! [starts smoking his hookah faster and faster until he is enveloped in black smoke]
But I'm not used to it. And you needn't shout! [she blows the cloud away as she says this, showing the Caterpillar's skin, shoes, hands, and hookah laying there] Oh, dear.
[now a butterfly]
By the way, I have a few more helpful hints. One side will make you grow taller...
B The Butterfly
...And the other side will make you grow shorter. [he flies away]
[shouting]
The other side of what?
B The Butterfly
[equally as loud]
THE MUSHROOM, OF COURSE!
MH The March Hare and the Mad Hatter
[run over to Alice]
No room! No room! No room!
I thought there was plenty of room.
Ah, but it's very rude to sit down without being invited.
I'll say it's rude. It's very, very rude indeed.
D The Dormouse
Very, very rude indeed.
I'm very sorry. But I did enjoy your singing, and I wonder if you could tell me…
Oh, what a delightful little child! I'm so excited. We never get compliments. You must have a cup of tea.
Ah, yes, indeed. The tea. You must have a cup of tea.
That would be very nice. I'm sorry I interrupted your birthday party. [March Hare offers her a cup of tea] Thank you.
[yanks her teacup away]
Birthday? Ha-ha-ha. My dear child, this is NOT a birthday party!
Of course not. This is an unbirthday party.
Unbirthday? Well, I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand.
It's very simple. Now, 30 days has Septem -No, wait... An unbirthday, if you have a birthday, then, you- [laughs] She doesn't know what an unbirthday is.
How silly. I shall elucidate. [March Hare conducts pots making organ and calliope sounds] Now, statistics prove, prove that you've one birthday.
Imagine, just one birthday ever year.
But there are 364 unbirthdays.
Precisely why we're gathered here to cheer!
Then today is my unbirthday too!
What a small world this is.
In that case... [singing] A very merry unbirthday...
Now blow the candle out, my dear, and make your wish come true. [Alice blows the candle which becomes a firework rocket]
MH The March Hare and Mad Hatter
A very merry unbirthday to you! [The firework explodes and the Dormouse emerges floating down among the sparks]
D The Dormouse
Twinkle, twinkle little bat, how I wonder what you're at. Up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky. [lands in teapot]
[claps]
Oh, that was lovely.
And now, my dear... You were saying that you would like to see... Pardon me. You were seeking some information of some kind?
Oh, yes. You see, I'm looking for a...
Clean cup, clean cup. Move down.
But I haven't used my cup.
Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down. Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down.
Would you like a little more tea?
Well, I haven't had any yet, so I can't very well take more.
Ah, you mean you can't very well take less.
Yes. You can always take more than nothing.
And now, my dear... Something seems to be troubling you. Won't you tell us all about it?
Yes. And when you come to the end... stop. See?
Well it started while I was sitting on the riverbank with Dinah.
Very interesting. [sips some tea and swallows] Who's Dinah? [pants like a dog]
Why, Dinah's my cat. You see-
D The Dormouse
[pops out of a teapot, his eyes wide with fright]
Cat? CAT?! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! [runs around in a frenzy with The Mad Hatter and March Hare chasing him]
D The Dormouse
[panicking and shrieking]
CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT!
Hurry! The jam! Quick! Get the jam! On his nose! [Alice grabs some jam] Put it on his nose!
Put it on his nose. On his nose. [As they restrain the Dormouse in a teapot, Alice smears some jam on his nose]
D The Dormouse
But the cat...[calms down]
D The Dormouse
[fully chillaxed]
Ahh...
[after they have restrained the Dormouse]
Ah, thank goodness! Those are the things that upset me!
See all the trouble you started?
Ah, that's just it. If you don't think, then you shouldn't talk.
Clean cup, clean cup. Move down, move down, move down.
But I still haven't used...
Move down, move down, move down, move down.
And now, my dear, as you were saying...?
Oh, yes. I was sitting on the riverbank with you know who.
Just half a cup, if you don't mind.
What's the matter, my dear? Don't you care for tea?
Why, yes. I'm very fond of tea, but-
If you don't care for tea, you could at least make polite conversation!
[frustrated]
Well, I've been trying to ask you-
I have an excellent idea. Let's change the subject.
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Riddles? [to herself] Let me see. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
[shocked]
Why is a... WHAT?!
[nervously]
Careful, SHE'S STARK RAVING MAD!
But it's your silly riddle. You just said...
[nervously]
Easy, don't get excited!
[trying to make peace with Alice]
How about a nice cup of tea?
[angrily]
"Have a nice cup of tea", indeed! Well, I'M sorry, but I just HAVEN'T the time!
THE TIME! THE TIME! WHO'S GOT THE TIME?
No time, no time, no time! Hello, goodbye, I'm late, I'm late.
I'm so late! I'm so very late.
[snatching the White Rabbit's Watch]
Well, no wonder you're late! Why, this clock is EXACTLY two days slow!
Of course you're late! [chuckles as he dunks the watch in the tea] MY GOODNESS! We'll have to look into this. [places a salt shaker over his eye and uses it as a jeweler's eyepiece] AHA! I see what's wrong with it! [starts to pry parts out of the watch with a fork] Why, this watch is full of wheels!
[shocked]
OH, MY POOR WATCH! OH, MY WHEELS AND SPRINGS! But-but-but-but-but-but-
BUTTER! Of course! It NEEDS some butter. BUTTER!
[shouts into the White Rabbit's ear]
BUTTER
Butter! Oh, thank you! Ha-ha! Yes! That's FINE!
Oh, no, no! No, no! No! You'll get crumbs in it!
Oh, THIS is the VERY BEST butter! [throws butter in the White Rabbit's face] What are you talking about?
Oh, tea! I never THOUGHT of tea before! OF COURSE! TEA! HE-HE-HE!
NO! [shocked] NO! NOT TEA!
SUGAR! TWO SPOONS! Yes, ha, TWO SPOONS thank you, yes! [jams the spoons straight into the watch]
[shocked]
Oh please, BE CAREUL!
JAM! I FORGOT ALL ABOUT JAM! Yes, sure you want. It's nice to see.
Mustard! Yes... What? MUSTARD?! Don't let's be silly! Lemon, that's different, there. THAT should do it! Hahaha! [watch starts going crazy] LOOK AT THAT!
IT IS GOING MAD! MAD WATCH!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT'S THE BEST BUTTER!
MAD WATCH! MAD WATCH! MAD WATCH!
OH, LOOK! OH, MY GOODNESS!
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP A MAD WATCH! [smashes watch with a mallet. The scene changes from color to black and white, then color again]
Two days slow. That's what it is.
And it was an unbirthday present, too.
MH The Mad Hatter and March Hare
[sings both]
A very merry unbirthday to you!
Mr. Rabbit. Oh, Mr. Rabbit. Now where did he go to? Of all the silly nonsense. This is the stupidest tea party I've ever been to in all my life.
A monster, Dodo, in my house.
PD Pat the Dodo
Steady, old chap. Can't be as bad as all that, you know?
My poor roof and rafters. All my walls... There it is!
PD Pat the Dodo
By Jove. Jolly well is, isn't it?
PD Pat the Dodo
Yes, indeed. Extraordinary situation, but...
PD Pat the Dodo
But I have a very simple solution.
PD Pat the Dodo
Simply pull it out the chimney.
PD Pat the Dodo
Who? Me? Don't be ridiculous. What we need is a lizard with a ladder.
Oh! Bill! Bill, we need a lizard with a ladder. Can you help us?
BL Bill the Lizard
At your service, gov'nor.
PD Pat the Dodo
Bill, my lad. Have you ever been down a chimney?
BL Bill the Lizard
Why, gov'nor, I've been down more chimneys...
PD Pat the Dodo
Excellent, excellent. Now, just hop down the chimney and pull that monster out of there.
BL Bill the Lizard
Righto, gov'nor... Monster? Aaaaah!
PD Pat the Dodo
That's better. Bill, my lad, you're passing up a golden opportunity.
PD Pat the Dodo
You can be famous.
BL Bill the Lizard
I can?
PD Pat the Dodo
Of course. There's a brave lad. In you go, now. Nothing to it, old boy. Simply tie your tail around the monster's neck and drag it out.
BL Bill the Lizard
But, guvnor...
PD Pat the Dodo
Good luck, Bill.
Oh, dear. Now I--now I shall never get out. Well, when one's lost, I suppose it's good advice to stay where you are, until someone finds you. But who'd ever think to look for me here? [sigh] Good advice. If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice. [sings] But I very seldom follow it. That explains the trouble that I'm always in. Be patient, is very good advice, but the waiting makes me curious. And I'd love the change. Should something strange begin? [begins to cry] Well... I went along my merry way, and I never stopped to reason. I should've known there'd be a price to pay, someday... Someday... I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it! [cries harder] Will I ever learn to do the things I should? [continues crying]
C Chorus
Will I ever learn / learn to do the things I should?
[singing in disappear]
Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm / And the mome raths outgrabe
Oh, Cheshire Cat, it's you!
Whom did you expect? The white rabbit, perchance?
Oh, no, no, no. I'I'm through with rabbits. I want to go home! [blows nose] But I can't find my way.
Naturally. That's becuase you have no way. All ways here you see, are the QUEEN'S WAYS!
But I've never met any queen.
You haven't? You ha-VEN'T? Oh, but you must! She'll be mad about you, simply mad! [chuckles, then rolls over and almost disappears] The mome raths outgrabe...
Please, please! H-How can I find her?
Well, some go this way, and some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short-cut.
