Team America: World Police

Team America: World Police quotes

54 total quotes (ID: 566)

Gary Johnston
Jong Il Kim
Matt Damon
Multiple Characters
Other Characters

Lisa: Terrorize this!

Matt Damon!

Joe: Wadda you think Spottswoode sees in him?
Lisa: I dunno, but I think I see it too.

Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered, it would be 9/11 times a hundred.
Gary: Nine-eleven times a hundred... Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes. Ninety-one thousand one hundred.
Joe: Basically all the worst parts of the Bible.

Spottswoode: Come into my car
Gary Johnston: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get'n your car and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: No. I just want to show you something.
Gary Johnston: Yeah I'll bet you do.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to **** your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable!

[Gary - wearing a hooded cloak - approaches the gate of Kim Jong Ils palace to rescue his team mates who have been frozen in carbonite, the music resembles John Williams in his finest hour]
Guard: Who the hell you?
Gary Johnston: [waves hand, speaks with soothing deep booming voice in a Jedi Mind-Trick] I'm with the Film Actors Guild, here to help with the broadcast.
Guard: Then you show credentials!
Gary Johnston: [performs the mind-trick once more] Hey, you don't need to see my credentials. I left them at home, and I'm running late!
Other Guard: I berieve him
Guard: Yeah, me too! [...] Have nice day.
[cut to Team Base]
Spottswoode: By God. His acting is better than ever!

[Gary and Chris stumble onto a tied-up Susan Sarandon]
Susan Sarandon: Oh thank God. We have to stop the ceremony, Kim Jong Il is mad! Here, let me loose. I will show you where the theatre is.
Chris: Alright.
Gary Johnston: No Chris, stay away from her!
Chris: **** you, she wants to help us!
Gary Johnston: No.. Chris... She's acting.
[Chris looks puzzled]
Susan Sarandon: I am not! The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans!
Gary Johnston: Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon: [Screaming like Mr. Garrison] You shall die a peasant's death!

When I got there, they were drunk and outta control. Rumpuscat and McCavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer held me down 'n... I was raped by Mister Mistoffelees!

Lisa to Gary: You had me at "dicks **** assholes".

Sean Penn: Qapla!
All assembled actors: Qapla!
Tim Robbins: [touting a machinegun] I swear they won't reach the stage!

[The team are suddenly sprayed with bullets]
Joe: Jeez!
Chris: Wadda we got?
Joe: Looks like Liv Tyler and George Clooney at twenty yards!
Sarah: Look out! Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo!
[Gary kills Liv Tyler and George Clooney with a single hand grenade, beheading the latter]
Chris: Drop your weapons! [shoots Ethan Hawke]
Janeane Garofalo: ****ing die! [Gets her head valmorphanized slightly]

Kim Jong Il: I'm afraid your world is over! [presses the button to set of the WMD's] in five minutes! [Countdown timer appears] Yes! [breaking the fourth wall triumphantly] The ticking crock!!

You are worthress Arec Barrin! [shoots Alec Baldwin]

Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!

Spottswoode: We will disguise you as as terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East. If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us all the information we need to stop this whole thing from happening. Of course, if you're not interested, there's the door.
Gary: Alright, thanks. (Walks out of the door.)
Spottswoode: Huh.