Team America: World Police quotes

View Quote Gary Johnston: We were all out at the zoo one day. I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas just went wild. They jumped all over his body and... threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla who, tossed him to another... Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help but it was too late. The gorillas... beat him to death, before the zookeepers could gas them all. My acting... got my brother killed. I got to live with that, every single day.
Lisa: Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.

View Quote Gary: [irritated and barking] I said get away from me!! I'm completely lost! I've hit rock bottom!
Woman at Window: Get out of the street, you ****ing bum! [Gary stumbles against some trash near a bin] You gave up on life, didn't ya?!

View Quote [Gary Johnston is pelted with rotten tomatoes]
Alec Baldwin: [To Gary] You cant out-act me, boy: don't even try it! [to audience] For the truth is: Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations. They are just as bad as the enemies... they... [dramatic pause] fight. [applause]
Gary Johnston: Oh, no, we are'nt! We're dicks! [surprise from audience] We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild... are pussies. And Kim Jong Il... is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get ****ed by dicks. But dicks - also - **** - assholes... assholes who just wanna shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can **** an asshole... is a dick... with some balls. The problem with dicks is, sometimes they **** too much or **** when it isn't appropriate...
Spottswoode: Yes, Gary, yes!
Gary Johnston: ...and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes, pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes. [music of awe] I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know: If you don't let us **** - this - asshole, we're going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit!

View Quote [The terrorists have bombed the Panama Canal]
Sarah: But... how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.
Spottswoode: It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. [turns towards the machine] That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad intelligence.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: I'm sorry.

Spottswoode: Team, if the Derka-derkistanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be nine-eleven... times a thousand.
Sarah: Jesus, you mean...?
Spottswoode: Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Chris: Well, then forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
Spottswoode: Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!

Spottswoode: Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: [pause] Yes there is.

Unused dialogue: Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I screwed up with Cairo. [pause] I let racism cloud my judgment. [pause] I was so sure the world's ultimate terrorist must be Middle Eastern that... I never suspected he was a God damn gook. I'll never be racist again.
[Gary walks in with packed bags, drops them on the floor]
Spottswoode: Where are you going, Gary??
Gary: Don't you get it? Everyone hates us!!
Spottswoode: Now, now... Everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.
Gary: [pause] No they didn't!
Spottswoode: Well, I did. That ****sucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!

Spottswoode: Je - sus - Tit - ty - **** - ing! .....CHRIIIIIIST!!!

Sarah: We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E,!

[Sarah's plane is crashing]
Sarah: I sense I'm going down.

[Kim Jong Il brings up the Middle Eastern terrorists on a large viewscreen]
Kim Jong Il: Okay: who brew up Panama Canal?
Terrorist: We were angry about Cairo.
Kim Jong Il: Goddammit, how many times I have to tew you? You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal! I have worked ten years on this pran! It is a very pwecise, and a compricated pran! I am sick of you terrorists ****ing it up!! Now take the weapons where I told you and wait for the goddamn signal this time! Goodbye!! [flicks the screen off] Why is everyone so ****ing stupid? Why aren't more peopre interrigent, rike me?:
[Song: Ronery]

[Gary is drinking his depression away]
Gary Johnston: I'm a dick!
Drunk guy: Well, being a dick ain't so bad. See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just wanna **** all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because... pussies get ****ed by dicks. But dicks also-****-assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't **** the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit! [Gary pukes]
Alec Baldwin: What the world needs is an international advisory committee who truly understands global politics. Namely, us.
Janeane Garofalo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
Matt Damon: Matt Damon!
[Chris is experiencing some electro-torture at the hands of a Korean guard]
Chris: [gazes upon his torturer] I'm gonna ****ing kill you!
Kim Jong Il: You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red-write-and brue-friend.
Lisa: So you're the bastard planning nine-eleven times a thousand.
Kim Jong Il: Nooo, you think so small. You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony. And while all the world's most important people are distracted here, I will detonate the WMDs, which I have given to terrrice... awr around the grobe. [looks down on Sarah] It will be nine-eleven times... two thousand three hundred and fifty six!
Chris: My God... That's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!!
Kim Jong il: You are da rast of a dying breed...the fwag-waving American. Well, your wittle dweam will soon be over.

View Quote Spottswoode: Let me explain to you, the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's **** in your mouth, you make a pact; a bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated... that he will get down on his knees and put that **** right in his mouth.

View Quote Alec Baldwin: We are here to usher in a new era without violence. By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild, the world can become a better place ...that handles dangerous people with talk, and reasoning. That... is the **** way. One day you will all look at the world us actors created and say, "Wow, good goin', ****. You really made the world a better place, didn't ya, ****?"

View Quote Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary Johnston: [blank and insincere] I Promise, I Will Never Die.

View Quote You might have all the others fooled, but not me. Your acting was reckless, and it put us all in danger. The next time you pull a stunt like that, I'll drill two holes through your dick so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions! You got it?

View Quote When I got there, they were drunk and outta control. Rumpuscat and McCavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer held me down 'n... I was raped by Mister Mistoffelees!

View Quote Chechen Leader: [to Gary] I like you. You have balls. I like balls.

View Quote Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered, it would be 9/11 times a hundred.
Gary: Nine-eleven times a hundred... Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes. Ninety-one thousand one hundred.
Joe: Basically all the worst parts of the Bible.

View Quote Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my ****!
[He pauses and grins sardonically]
Spottswoode: Heh, Heh. Just kidding!

View Quote Lisa: God, I'm so confused! It's too soon to be having feelings for you.
Gary Johnston: Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.

View Quote Chris: Well, I am not going anywhere with this [lays hands on Gary] ****in' traitor!
Joe: Yeah! What makes you think we'll take you back, you douchebag?!
Chris: We're doing this without you!
Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me, that he is one hundred percent committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my ****!
[for a brief moment, the team gaze at Gary a little suspiciously]
Joe: Uhright! Come on, team, we gotta find that stage!

View Quote Chris: I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.
Gary Johnston: Er-well, then let's show the bad guys the police are back in force!
Lisa: **** yeah.
Gary Johnston: **** yeah.