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Team America: World Police

Team America: World Police quotes

53 total quotes

Chris
Gary Johnston
Joe
Jong Il Kim
Lisa
Matt Damon
Multiple Characters
Other Characters
Spottswoode




View Quote Martin Sheen and Tim Robbins are playing chess]
Joe: Please, mister Sheen, mister Robbins: you don't understand what Kim Jong Il is doing.
Martin Sheen: Shuddup! We have explicit instructions to watch you.
Tim Robbins: Yeah, we're supposed to be guarrrds!
Martin Sheen: We're guarrds.
Tim Robbins: We're guarrrds, huh? We're guarrrrds!
Martin Sheen: We're guarrrrds!
View Quote Spottswoode: We will disguise you as as terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East. If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us all the information we need to stop this whole thing from happening. Of course, if you're not interested, there's the door.
Gary: Alright, thanks. (Walks out of the door.)
Spottswoode: Huh.
View Quote [The team are suddenly sprayed with bullets]
Joe: Jeez!
Chris: Wadda we got?
Joe: Looks like Liv Tyler and George Clooney at twenty yards!
Sarah: Look out! Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo!
[Gary kills Liv Tyler and George Clooney with a single hand grenade, beheading the latter]
Chris: Drop your weapons! [shoots Ethan Hawke]
Janeane Garofalo: ****ing die! [Gets her head valmorphanized slightly]
View Quote Tim Robbins: Don't ****ing move! [Everyone turns to Tim Robbins] Now isn't that a shame. you came so close to stopping peace, but you see: peace - always - finds - a way. Goodbye Team America!
Chris: I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins.
Tim Robbins: What's that?
Chris: I'm a smoker! [Flicks ciggarette at Tim Robbins who subsequently dies a screaming death amidst the flames.]
View Quote Kim Jong Il: Don't ****ing move! [crowd stops]You were all going to be treated to a fablous show but now party's over! For I am the great Kim Jong Il!
Gary Johnston: [seeing Lisa] Lisa! [runs off]
Kim Jong Il: And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have lived!! [Lisa slides towards Kim Jong Il]
Lisa: Terrorize this. [kicks over the balcony. He falls onto the enlarged spike on an old style German military hat]
View Quote Spottswoode: Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.
Lisa: Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.
View Quote Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!
View Quote Sometimes believing is all we have.
View Quote Liv Tyler: If we focus our acting on global politics, we can change everything and stuff.
George Clooney: We've all done action films. If anyone tries to get in our way, we'll show 'em just how tough us actors really are.
View Quote Come on, Gary: you've got to act fast!
View Quote Cairo... That's in Egypt.
View Quote [Gary walks through a ruined Team Base]
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: [slightly distorted] Greetings Mr. Johnston.
Gary Johnston: What the hell happened?
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.

Spottswoode: There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong Il.
Gary Johnston: Let me go.
Spottswoode: You? You're a butt****ing quitter! You walked out, Gary. The team went on a mission without you, and without an actor they were like pigs to the slaughter! I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands?
Gary Johnston: I know I walked out, but I do anything to take it back. Please, just let me help!

Gary Johnston: Please how can I make you trust me?
Spottswoode: I remember the first day we met. You were a simple broadway actor, afraid to get in my limo, because you thought I wanted you to perform oral sex on me. Do you remember that?
Gary Johnston: Yeah...
Spottswoode: And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I can trust you.
Gary Johnston: Just... give me a chance.
Spottswoode: All right. I'll trust you! But only if you... will perform oral sex on me.
Gary Johnston: (Blankly)......What?
Spottswoode: Right here, right now!
Gary Johnston: You can't be serious.
Spottswoode: I am serious. Look! [points at face] This is my serious face.
Gary Johnston: What will that prove?
Spottswoode: [enraged] It will prove that you are truly ready to lay everything on the line. To throw away all your inhibitions, and give one hundred percent! We must go back to that first night we met, that first issue of trust. Don't you see?
Gary Johnston: No, I thought you weren't gay!
Spottswoode: This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust! It's the eye of the needle, Gary, and we must both pass through it. [long pause] Ok. Let's do it. [drops pants] I'll make sure nobody's watching. [looks around] Ok....... Go!!!
[elaborate off-screen blowjob with majestic music]
Spottswoode: You are dedicated! Now let's go get cleaned up. If you're going to storm Kim Jong Ils palace singlehanded, we have to make you a complete soldier in very little time!
Gary Johnston: How're we gonna do that?
Spottswoode: [Montage song fades in]I think I know just what we need.
Unused Dialogue:
View Quote Peter Jennings: Team America has once again pissed off the entire world after blowing up half of Cairo.
Tim Robbins: Let me explain to you how this works. You see, the corporations finance Team America. And then Team America goes out and the corporations sit there in their, ih in their corporation buildings and, and and see that's, they're all corporationy, and they make money. Mhm.
Sean Penn: Last year, I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had... flowery meadows and rainbow skies and, and rivers made of chocolate where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.
Matt Damon: Matt Damon.
View Quote 9/11 times ... [various characters]
View Quote Kim Jong Il: Do you have any idea how ****ing busy I am?