Team America: World Police quotes

View Quote Soldier: Hoi te? Han ching! Pae ja, Hans Brix bo tae so tae ka. [Sir, Hans Blix is here from the United Nations]
Kim Jong Il: Hans Brix? Oh no! [Enter Hans Blix] Oh, herro. Great to see you again, Hans!
Hans Blix: Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today, and your guards won't let me enter certain areas.
Kim Jong Il: Hans, Hans, Hans! We've been frew this a dozen times. I don't-have-any-weapons-a-mass-destwuction, 'kay Hans?
Hans Blix: Then let me look around, so I can ease the U.N.'s collective mind.
Kim Jong Il: Hans, ya-breakin' my balls here, Hans, ya breakin' my balls!
Hans Blix: I'm sorry, but the U.N. must be firm with you. Let me see your whole palace, or else.
Kim Jong Il: Or erse what?
Hans Blix: Or else - we will be very, very angry with you... and we will write you a letter, telling you how angry we are.
Kim Jong Il: Okay, I show you, Hans. You'r ready? Stand a rittre to your reft.
[Hans Blix moves to the left.]
Kim Jong Il: Rittle more.
[Hans Blix moves further to the left.]
Kim Jong Il: Gewd.
[Hans Blix falls into a trap and is subsequently attacked by sharks.]
Kim Jong Il: There you go, Hans Brix. How you rike that, you butt-****ing ****!
[Hans Blix struggles to escape the sharks in vain]
Kim Jong Il: Do you have any idea how ****in busy I am, Hans Brix? Werr, **** you! You want inspection? Werr, inspect that, You butt-****ing piece of shit! What, you think I'm just a petty arms dealer? I'm pranning the attack! Congratulations Team America, you have stopped nothing...

View Quote Martin Sheen and Tim Robbins are playing chess]
Joe: Please, mister Sheen, mister Robbins: you don't understand what Kim Jong Il is doing.
Martin Sheen: Shuddup! We have explicit instructions to watch you.
Tim Robbins: Yeah, we're supposed to be guarrrds!
Martin Sheen: We're guarrds.
Tim Robbins: We're guarrrds, huh? We're guarrrrds!
Martin Sheen: We're guarrrrds!

View Quote Kim Jong Il: And now you see: thenew world is inevetabre!
Lisa: It's what?
Kim Jong Il: Inev- inevitabre
Lisa: One more time...
Kim Jong Il: Inevitabre! Things are inevatbry going to change! God dammit, open your ****in' ears!

View Quote When I got there, they were drunk and outta control. Rumpuscat and McCavity kept feeling up my leg. I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer held me down 'n... I was raped by Mister Mistoffelees!

View Quote You are worthress Arec Barrin! [shoots Alec Baldwin]

View Quote Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my ****!
[He pauses and grins sardonically]
Spottswoode: Heh, Heh. Just kidding!

View Quote Spottswoode: Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now.
[Baxter presses the valmorphanize button, turning the limousine into a jet ("cool" music), and takes off (Team America theme)]
Gary Johnston: [(grim music)] Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat its own head?
Gary Johnston: No!
Spottswoode: So, then you haven't seen everything. And neither have we.

View Quote Spottswoode: Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.
Lisa: Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.

View Quote Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered, it would be 9/11 times a hundred.
Gary: Nine-eleven times a hundred... Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes. Ninety-one thousand one hundred.
Joe: Basically all the worst parts of the Bible.

View Quote Peter Jennings: Team America has once again pissed off the entire world after blowing up half of Cairo.
Tim Robbins: Let me explain to you how this works. You see, the corporations finance Team America. And then Team America goes out and the corporations sit there in their, ih in their corporation buildings and, and and see that's, they're all corporationy, and they make money. Mhm.
Sean Penn: Last year, I went to Iraq. Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place. They had... flowery meadows and rainbow skies and, and rivers made of chocolate where the children danced and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.
Matt Damon: Matt Damon.

View Quote Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary Johnston: [blank and insincere] I Promise, I Will Never Die.

View Quote [Gary walks through a ruined Team Base]
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: [slightly distorted] Greetings Mr. Johnston.
Gary Johnston: What the hell happened?
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.

Spottswoode: There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong Il.
Gary Johnston: Let me go.
Spottswoode: You? You're a butt****ing quitter! You walked out, Gary. The team went on a mission without you, and without an actor they were like pigs to the slaughter! I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands?
Gary Johnston: I know I walked out, but I do anything to take it back. Please, just let me help!

Gary Johnston: Please how can I make you trust me?
Spottswoode: I remember the first day we met. You were a simple broadway actor, afraid to get in my limo, because you thought I wanted you to perform oral sex on me. Do you remember that?
Gary Johnston: Yeah...
Spottswoode: And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I can trust you.
Gary Johnston: Just... give me a chance.
Spottswoode: All right. I'll trust you! But only if you... will perform oral sex on me.
Gary Johnston: (Blankly)......What?
Spottswoode: Right here, right now!
Gary Johnston: You can't be serious.
Spottswoode: I am serious. Look! [points at face] This is my serious face.
Gary Johnston: What will that prove?
Spottswoode: [enraged] It will prove that you are truly ready to lay everything on the line. To throw away all your inhibitions, and give one hundred percent! We must go back to that first night we met, that first issue of trust. Don't you see?
Gary Johnston: No, I thought you weren't gay!
Spottswoode: This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust! It's the eye of the needle, Gary, and we must both pass through it. [long pause] Ok. Let's do it. [drops pants] I'll make sure nobody's watching. [looks around] Ok....... Go!!!
[elaborate off-screen blowjob with majestic music]
Spottswoode: You are dedicated! Now let's go get cleaned up. If you're going to storm Kim Jong Ils palace singlehanded, we have to make you a complete soldier in very little time!
Gary Johnston: How're we gonna do that?
Spottswoode: [Montage song fades in]I think I know just what we need.
Unused Dialogue:

View Quote [Gary - wearing a hooded cloak - approaches the gate of Kim Jong Ils palace to rescue his team mates who have been frozen in carbonite, the music resembles John Williams in his finest hour]
Guard: Who the hell you?
Gary Johnston: [waves hand, speaks with soothing deep booming voice in a Jedi Mind-Trick] I'm with the Film Actors Guild, here to help with the broadcast.
Guard: Then you show credentials!
Gary Johnston: [performs the mind-trick once more] Hey, you don't need to see my credentials. I left them at home, and I'm running late!
Other Guard: I berieve him
Guard: Yeah, me too! [...] Have nice day.
[cut to Team Base]
Spottswoode: By God. His acting is better than ever!

View Quote [The team are suddenly sprayed with bullets]
Joe: Jeez!
Chris: Wadda we got?
Joe: Looks like Liv Tyler and George Clooney at twenty yards!
Sarah: Look out! Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo!
[Gary kills Liv Tyler and George Clooney with a single hand grenade, beheading the latter]
Chris: Drop your weapons! [shoots Ethan Hawke]
Janeane Garofalo: ****ing die! [Gets her head valmorphanized slightly]

View Quote [Gary and Chris stumble onto a tied-up Susan Sarandon]
Susan Sarandon: Oh thank God. We have to stop the ceremony, Kim Jong Il is mad! Here, let me loose. I will show you where the theatre is.
Chris: Alright.
Gary Johnston: No Chris, stay away from her!
Chris: **** you, she wants to help us!
Gary Johnston: No.. Chris... She's acting.
[Chris looks puzzled]
Susan Sarandon: I am not! The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans!
Gary Johnston: Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon: [Screaming like Mr. Garrison] You shall die a peasant's death!