Team America: World Police

Team America: World Police quotes

54 total quotes (ID: 566)

Gary Johnston
Jong Il Kim
Matt Damon
Multiple Characters
Other Characters

[Gary and Chris stumble onto a tied-up Susan Sarandon]
Susan Sarandon: Oh thank God. We have to stop the ceremony, Kim Jong Il is mad! Here, let me loose. I will show you where the theatre is.
Chris: Alright.
Gary Johnston: No Chris, stay away from her!
Chris: **** you, she wants to help us!
Gary Johnston: No.. Chris... She's acting.
[Chris looks puzzled]
Susan Sarandon: I am not! The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans!
Gary Johnston: Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon: [Screaming like Mr. Garrison] You shall die a peasant's death!

Kim Jong Il: I'm afraid your world is over! [presses the button to set of the WMD's] in five minutes! [Countdown timer appears] Yes! [breaking the fourth wall triumphantly] The ticking crock!!

Come on, Gary: you've got to act fast!

[Gary Johnston is pelted with rotten tomatoes]
Alec Baldwin: [To Gary] You cant out-act me, boy: don't even try it! [to audience] For the truth is: Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations. They are just as bad as the enemies... they... [dramatic pause] fight. [applause]
Gary Johnston: Oh, no, we are'nt! We're dicks! [surprise from audience] We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild... are pussies. And Kim Jong Il... is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get ****ed by dicks. But dicks - also - **** - assholes... assholes who just wanna shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can **** an asshole... is a dick... with some balls. The problem with dicks is, sometimes they **** too much or **** when it isn't appropriate...
Spottswoode: Yes, Gary, yes!
Gary Johnston: ...and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes, pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes. [music of awe] I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know: If you don't let us **** - this - asshole, we're going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit!

Lisa to Gary: You had me at "dicks **** assholes".

Spottswoode: Let me explain to you, the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's **** in your mouth, you make a pact; a bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated... that he will get down on his knees and put that **** right in his mouth.

Matt Damon!

Both Lisa and Sarah: I treasure your friendship.

Dicks, pussies and assholes [diversly permuted by Gary and another drunk]

valmorphanize [label on (around) buttons, said by various characters.

valmorification [used by Lisa & Spottswoode].

Spottswoode: You're going to fool everyone, Gary. Or should I say, Hakmed

Shit! I've got five terrorists going southeast on Bakalakadaka Street!

[French accordion music. The Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe are visible]
French Puppet: Sacre bleu. Dans la putaaan. Ah. Oui? Bon. Helleu.... [pan out, and the revel-in-the-beauty-of-the-models sequence commences]
French mother: Jean-François?! Jean-François?!
Jean-François: [Singing] Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques. Dormez-vous? Dormez...
[Arab music Jo, de Siddhiiii sounds as Jean-François bumps into some middle-eastern looking sinister types]
White Turban Grey Beard: Baka derk. Jihad sherpaha.
White Turban Black Beard: Allah kaderka-derka. [Activates the suitcase bomb]
French Mother: Jean-François! Pauvre garçon!
Jean-François: Regardez-le, maman. On volez en pepipe.
French Mother: Mon Dieu!
[Sirens sound followed by the Team America theme]
Terrorist: Bakala! Bakala!!!
Joe: [Through the PA system] You in the robes: put down the weapon of mass destruction and get on the ground. You're under arrest!
Terrorist: Bakalakalaka!
Carson: [Getting out of his car, having just run over a fruit-cart] World Police! Get down on the ground!
Lisa: Hey, terrorist! Terrorize this!
Carson: He's getting away with the WMD!
Joe: I got him! [fires missile, toppling the Eiffel Tower. It falls, shattering the Arc de Triomphe]
Joe: Damn, I missed him.
[Paris is reduced to a smouldering pile of rubble]
Joe: Bonjour everyone! Don't worry. Everything is bon! We stopped the terrorists.

Spottswoode: Come into my car
Gary Johnston: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get'n your car and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: No. I just want to show you something.
Gary Johnston: Yeah I'll bet you do.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to **** your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable!