Spaceballs

Spaceballs quotes

81 total quotes (ID: 547)

Barf
Dark Helmet
Lone Starr
Multiple Characters
Notes
Opening credits
President Skroob


1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!


Spaceball Commander: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!

Dark Helmet: [after catching Vespa's car] Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally!
Spaceball: Jawohl Lord Helmet! [stands aside]
Dark Helmet: So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transfered from your planet...to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there! [immediately all Spaceballs in the room drop their guns and cover their crotches]
Radar Man: Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a...Winnebago.
Dark Helmet: Winnebago? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Starr![car's door slams on top of his helmet]


[Lone Starr parks the Eagle 5 in an illegal parking space]
Guard 1: Hey, what the hell is that thing?
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Hey, you can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf gives him the finger]
Guard 1: That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]

Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (Thinks about what he has just said, then nods in approval.)
Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. [1]
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing-—which is what you are about to become.

I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

Dark helmet: [about to enter a pod when a lady with a beard cuts in front of him] Hey hey hey, that's my pod, who are you?
Bearded Lady: I am the bearded lady! What are you, one of the freaks?! [kicks him; and gets in the pod laughing]
Dark Helmet: Wait! Wait! No! [the pod ejects] COME BACK HERE YOU FAT BEARDED BITCH!!

Diner Patron: Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto Bismol!

Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid! She's gone from suck to blow!

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Dark Helmet: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? How can there be a video cassette of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.

[Lone Starr sneaks up behind a guard and grabs him by the neck.]
Guard:: What hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: The Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard:: No, no stupid. You've got it much too high, it's more down here where the shoulder meets the neck.
Lone Starr: Like this?
Guard: Yeah!
[The guard collapses.]

So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

[Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert.]
Lone Starr: Water...water...
Dot Matrix: Oil...oil...
Vespa: Room service...room service..

Druidian Priest: Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet!

Colonel Sandurz: [After discovering Dark Helmet playing with dolls] No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!