Spaceballs quotes
81 total quotesMultiple Characters
Notes
Opening credits
President Skroob
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[Lone Starr parks the Eagle 5 in an illegal parking space]
Guard 1: Hey, what the hell is that thing?
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Hey, you can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf gives him the finger]
Guard 1: That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]
Guard 1: Hey, what the hell is that thing?
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Hey, you can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf gives him the finger]
Guard 1: That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]
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[Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert.]
Lone Starr: Water...water...
Dot Matrix: Oil...oil...
Vespa: Room service...room service..
Lone Starr: Water...water...
Dot Matrix: Oil...oil...
Vespa: Room service...room service..
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Diner Patron: Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto Bismol!
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Druidian Priest: Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet!
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Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Rico: Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
[Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring]
Rico: Oh shit! Oh, no, no, no, no! Please, no, no, no! Not that!
Dark Helmet: Yes, that. [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's crotch, causing him extreme pain]
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: What? You went over my helmet?
Rico: Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
[Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring]
Rico: Oh shit! Oh, no, no, no, no! Please, no, no, no! Not that!
Dark Helmet: Yes, that. [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's crotch, causing him extreme pain]
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I'm a Mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
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Colonel Sandurz: [After discovering Dark Helmet playing with dolls] No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
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I'll bet she gives great helmet.
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Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: [watching Mega Maid vacuum up Druidia's air] Suck...suck...suck!
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Priest: Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Bartholomew!
Priest: Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: Then get over there!
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Bartholomew!
Priest: Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: Then get over there!
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King Roland: Please bring her back safely! [pause] And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.
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[Indicating the suitcases] It's her royal highness's matched luggage!
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Druidian Priest: We are here to join these two together in holy--moley!!
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I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you can handle it.
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Colonel Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that?
Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that?