So I Married an Axe Murderer

So I Married an Axe Murderer quotes

38 total quotes (ID: 545)

Charlie Mackenzie
Stuart Mackenzie


Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as the Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.
Tony Giardino: So who's in this Pentavirate?
Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tets-up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes! And that smug look on his face, "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"
Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartarse!
Charlie Mackenzie: Coo-coo.


Charlie Mackenzie: Hi, can we get our check please? Thanks.
[the check comes]
Charlie Mackenzie: I'll get that.
Tony Giardino: No i got it.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no.
Tony Giardino: No, no, no. Let me.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Tony Giardino: Charlie, please.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Tony Giardino: Let me pick this up, please.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Tony Giardino: I insist.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no. No to infinity. Negatory. Negatory, good buddy. Ne-ga-to-ry!
Harriet Michaels: I'll pick up the check.
Charlie Mackenzie: Okay.

[is served a huge cup of coffee] Excuse me miss, there seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello?!

Rose Michaels: Let me make you some breakfast.
Charlie Mackenzie: Oh gee, you know, I-I'd love to but, you know, I'm really running late.
Rose Michaels: What would you say to silver dollar pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, that sounds great.
[scene changes to her pouring Charlie a bowl of Fruit Loops]
Rose Michaels: Sorry, I didn't have those other things.

Harriet! Harry-it, hard-hearted harbinger of haggis... Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? He wants you back, he screams into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely! It's really hard! This poem... sucks.

John Johnson: Hello everyone, I am a park ranger and I will be leading you on the tour. All of the park rangers were, at one time, guards, myself included. My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me "Vicky".
Tony Giardino: I love Vicky.
Charlie Mackenzie: Yeah, Vicky's the best.

Heid! Paper! Now! Move that melon of yours and get the paper if you can, hauling that gargantuan cranium about!

Harriet Michaels: Charlie, have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff or a subway platform with someone and you thought just for a split second "What if I pushed him?"
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, not really. Usually I follow the Judeo-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill" but that's just me.

Stuart Mackenzie: So, Charlie tells me you're a butcher.
Harriet Michaels: Yes, I am a butcher.
Stuart Mackenzie: Do you link your own sausage?

Come, Nadia. Let us dance like children of the night!

Look at the size of that boy's head. It's like an orange on a toothpick.

May Mackenzie: Charlie, hand me the paper.
Charlie Mackenzie: Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News "the paper." A paper contains facts.
May Mackenzie: This newspaper contains facts. Look at this. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact!

Frank/Obituary writer: Here's another one here, Native San Franciscan, plumber, Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, dissappeared four months ago. Body was found in a sewer.
Newspaper reporter: Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain. Haha.
Charlie Mackenzie: Did they mention anything about his wife?
Newspaper reporter: Alright, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people so I'm sorry.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no. I'm serious, did they mention the wife?
Newspaper reporter: No, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no. I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife? I just want to know about the wife.
Newspaper reporter: Hey, hey! You win, you win, okay? I'm a bad person!
Frank/Obituary writer: Hey, c'mon take it easy, will ya?
Newspaper reporter: No, he's saying I'm a bad person and that I'm insensitive. He's saying I'm a shit.
Frank/Obituary writer: He's not saying you're a shit!
Charlie Mackenzie: Did they-did they mention the wife?!
Newspaper reporter: No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy?! Yeah! Oh hoo, yes, yes. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop your job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for!
Frank/Obituary writer: [to Charlie] He was my ride home.

May Mackenzie: Harriet, why don't you come with me. I have wonderful photographs when he was a wee baby.
Stuart Mackenzie: And show her the picture of Charlie when he shit his pants at Niagra Falls.

No kidding. His head's like Sputnik. Spherical, but quite pointy in parts.