Troy: Well, should I get married, should I be good, should I astound the girl next door with my velvet suit and my faustushood and not take her to movies but to cemeteries and tell her stories of werewolf tongues and forked clarinets... What 'Hey, That's My Bike' would like to do as a band is travel the countryside like Woody Guthrie.
Sammy: Or Richard Simmons. You know, how in his commercials he surprises people jogging...
Troy: As you can see, I have the occasional run-in with an anti-Hey-That's-My Biker and to those people I say nobody... nobody can eat 50 eggs.

Don't you ever wish you were a lesbian?

I truly believe that if we can get two women on the supreme court, we can get at least one on you.

Vicky: My favorite part about graduating now will be dodging my student loan officer for the rest of my life. He will be in cahoots with the Columbia Record and Tape Company guy... been after my ass for years.

Charlane McGregor: Why don't you get a job at the Burgerama? They'll hire you! My Lord, I saw on the TV, they had this little retarded boy working the register.
Lelaina: Because I'm not retarded, Mom. I was the valedictorian of my university!
Wes McGregor: Well you dont have to put that on your application.

Evian is naive spelled backwards.

I have work around here, and unfortunately Troy, you are a master at the art of time suckage.

Troy: So what do you say, Lelaina?
Lelaina: I'm not a valedictorian but I play one on tv.
Troy: We all know you slept your way to the podium.

Lelaina: Quick, Vicky, whats your social security?
Vicky: Uhm... 851-25-9357.
Troy: Very impressive.
Vicky: Thats the only thing I really learned in college... Sometimes I get that not so fresh feeling.

He's so cheesy, I can't watch him without crackers.

I am not in this to make the world a better place.

Hey! I'm a non-practicing virgin

Are employee snacks subsidized?

Laney, sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

I'm not going to work at The Gap for chrissake!