J.T. Hey there little Yankee wuss! Look here, 'got your $200. You gonna kick the shit out of me now?
Vincent LaGuardia Gambini
Joe Pesci · 46 quotes
Lisa
Marisa Tomei · 18 quotes
Judge Haller
Fred Gwynne · 13 quotes
Stan
Mitchell Whitfield · 11 quotes
Bill
Ralph Macchio · 10 quotes
Jim Trotter
Lane Smith · 4 quotes
Mr. Tipton
Maury Chaykin · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Vincent LaGuardia Gambini & Lisa (17), Vincent LaGuardia Gambini & Judge Haller (13), Bill & Stan (7)
My Cousin Vinny quotes
Page 1 of 4 J.T. [on the phone]
We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.
Vinny bag o' donuts. How are you?
Vinny!
Vinny
What?
C'mon! It's time to make your opening statement. C'mon, Vin!
Vinny
Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Objection! Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be striken from the record.
We should get tuna.
Please no more tuna.
It has protein, we need protein.
Beans have protein.
Beans make you fart.
We got a convertible.
You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.
My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.
Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.
...
At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?
The magician with the ponytail?
Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.
J.T. Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny
What is it?
J.T. $200.
Vinny
Bring it here, let me see it.
Vinny
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T. [after short pause]
It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny
Fan it out, show it to me.
Vinny
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Yeah, right.
Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
It doesn't. Thank you. [stands up]
Sit down Miss Vito.
Now, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
That's a bullshit question.
Does that mean you can't answer it?
It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Nobody could answer that question!
Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an expert witness!
Can you answer the question?
No, it's a trick question!
Why is it a trick question?
Vinny
Watch this.
'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '63. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Well... uh... she's acceptable, Your Honor.
John Gibbons Mr. Tipton, I see you wear glasses.
Yes I do.
John Gibbons Could you show those glasses to the court, please? Okay, now were you wearing them that day?
No.
John Gibbons Uh huh. You see? You were fifty feet away, you made a positive eyewitness identification and-and-and-and-and-and-and YET, you were not wearing your necessary, prescription eye glasses.
They're reading glasses.
John Gibbons [after long pause]
Um Mr., Um... Could you tell the court what color eyes the defendants have?
[Motioning to his chamber]
Mr. Gambini, I’d like to speak to you in my chambers. [Walks into the chamber with Vinny behind him]
You're a dead man.
Vinny
I'm a dead man?
That's right. I just faxed the clerk of New York and asked him what he knew about Jerry Gallo and do you wanna know what he replied?
Vinny
Did you just say Gallo?
Yes, I did.
Vinny
Gallo wit a G?
That's right.
Vinny
Jerry Gallo's dead!
Vinny
Well I'm not Jerry Gallo! I'm Jerry Callo! "C-A-LLO!"
Alright. Let's get this cleared up right now. [picks up phone, dials] Hello. This is Judge Chamberlain Haller. Can I speak to the clerk? OK, I'll be here.
[hangs up, returns to Vinny]
He's gonna call back after 3. Which gives you a "stay of execution". Unless, by some miracle you happen to win this case in the next 90 minutes. Why don't you go to lunch?
Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?
Vinny
[sitting down]
Your Honor, my clients...
Don't talk to me sitting in that chair.
Vinny
But he [points to bailiff] told me to sit here.
When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.
...
Vinny
My clients...
What are you wearing?
Vinny
Huh?
What are you wearing?
Vinny
[wearing a leather jacket]
Um, I'm wearing clothes.
Vinny
[Judge stares ominously]
I... I don't get the question.
When you come into my court looking like you do. You not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court.
Vinny
I apologize, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.
The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?
Vinny
Uh yes. Fine, Judge, fine.
...
Vinny
My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
Vinny
No. I'm just trying to explain.
I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
Vinny
Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...
Uh, Mr. Gambini?
[Motions for him to approach the bench]
All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
Vinny
But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
Once again, the communication process broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.
...
The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead?
Vinny
I think I get the point.
No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court.
Would you like to go for two counts.
Vinny
Not guilty.
Thank you.
I don't like your attitude.
Vinny
So what else is new?
I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny
[to Bill]
Now there's a **** surprise.
What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny
Huh? What did I say?
I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.
Vinny
You should.
Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.
Vinny
I shouldn't?
You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.
[Takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]
Now I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.
Vinny
Sure. No problem.
Vinny
[quickly leafs through the book]
Just this? Ha ha.
Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny
You were serious about that?
Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.
Vinny
No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?