Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes

23 total quotes (ID: 396)

A Blessing from the Lord
Camelot
Dennis The Constitutional Peasant
End of the Film
English Castle
Frank the Historian
Inside the Cave
Opening credits
Promotional
Roger the Shrubber
Swamp Castle
The Witch
The Black Knight
The Book of the Film
The Bridge of Death
The Castle Aaaaarrrgh
The Castle Anthrax
The Cave of Caerbannog
The Dead Collector
The French Castle
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
The Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni
The Knights Who Say Ni!
The Tale of Sir Robin
Tim the Enchanter


Zoot: Welcome, gentle sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
Sir Galahad: The Castle Anthrax?
Zoot: Yes, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need.
Zoot: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight-score young blonds and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 1/2, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh, it is a lonely life: Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights.
Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like, and then spank me.
Nuns: And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
[Sir Lancelot crashes in, grabs Galahad and rushes out of the castle]
Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Galahad: I don't think I was.
Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Lancelot: No, it's far too perilous.
Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Lancelot: No, I'm not.


King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?
King: No, not the curtains, lad.
King: I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started, all I had was swamp! Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp, so I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. I built a third one. It burned down, fell over, and then it sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up! And that's what you're going to get, lad--the strongest castle on these islands!
King: Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
Prince Herbert: But I don't want land.
King: Listen, Alice--
Prince Herbert: Herbert.
King: Herbert. We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get!
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King: Don't like her? What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge [Gestures to his chest] tracts of land.
King: This is Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot! He is a very brave and influential knight and my special guest today.
Wedding guest #1: He's killed my auntie!
King: No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who. We are here to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
Wedding guest #2: [Shout from back of hall] He's not quite dead!
King: Since the near-fatal wounding of her father--
Wedding guest #2: [Shout from back] He's getting better!
King: [Discreet nod to soldier] For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy black hand of death upon him.
[Scuffle at the back]
Wedding guest #2: [Shout from back] Oh, he's died!
King: I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense.

Narrator: Sir Bedevere the Wise was the first to become one of King Arthur's Knights. But other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Gallahad the Pure, Sir Robin the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot — who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the Vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill — and the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table.

King Arthur: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Head Knight: That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
King Arthur: What is that?
Head Knight: We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
Random Knight: Ni!
Head Knight: [to Random Knight] Shh, shh. [to Arthur] We are now the Knights Who Say Ekke-ekke-ekke-ekke-ptang-zoo-boing. [fades into mumbling].
Random Knight: Ni!
Head Knight: Therefore, we must give you a test.
King Arthur: What is this test, O Knights of--Knights Who 'Till Recently Said Ni?
Head Knight: Firstly, you must find another shrubbery! [jarring chord]
King Arthur: Not another shrubbery!
Head Knight: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place the new shrubbery here beside the other shrubbery, only slightly higher so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
Knights of Ni: A path! A path!
Head Knight: Then! When you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest wi-i-i-i-ith a herring!!
[jarring chord]

Arthur: What manner of man are you, that can summon fire without flint or tinder?
Tim: I... am an Enchanter.
Arthur: By what name are you known?
Tim: There are some who call me... Tim?

Bridgekeeper: STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: [Suddenly friendly] Right. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [crosses the Bridge]
Sir Robin: That's easy! [He approaches the Bridge. The others follow him.]
Bridgekeeper: STOP! Whoever approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
Sir Robin: I don't know that! AAAAAAAAHHH! [is cast into the gorge by an invisible force]
[Arthur and the other Knights realise that this will not be as easy as they thought. Galahad then approaches the Bridge.]
Bridgekeeper: STOP! What... is your name?
Sir Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Galahad: Blue. No, yellOOOOOOOW!! [is cast into the gorge]
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. STOP! What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I don't know that! EEEEEEAAAARRGH!!! [is cast into the gorge]
Sir Bedevere: [to Arthur] How do you know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

Arthur: Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot! Bedemir: Lancelot! Lancelot! [Meanwhile, Lancelot is being padded down by the police] Arthur: The Castle Aaaaarrrgh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! [kneels and prays] Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast bought safe to us the most Holy — [loud BOING in the background] JESUS CHRIST!
[A sheep drops upon Arthur and Bedevere. The annoying Frenchman appears.]
Frenchman: 'Allo, little English K-niggits and Monsieur Ah-thoor Keeng who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows outwit you a second time-a!
Arthur: How dare you profane this place with your presence?! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
Frenchman: How you English say "I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction," sons of a window-dresser! So, you zought you could outclever us French folk with your silly knees-bent-running-around-advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy load of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters!
Arthur: IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, WE DEMAND ENTRANCE TO THIS SACRED CASTLE!
Frenchman: No chance, English bedwetting types! I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Arthur: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [The French chuck their waste upon Arthur and Bedevere.] In the name of God and the glory of our — [They do it a second time.] Right! That settles it! [He and Bedevere start to storm off. The French continue to jeer at them.]
Frenchman: Yes, depart at this time and don't be approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already!
Arthur: [to Bedevere] Walk away. Just ignore them.
Frenchman: Yes! Go! And remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And if you zink you got nasty taunting ZIS time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English K-niggits! Thhhhhhppppph!

Lancelot: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Arthur: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
Monks: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Arthur: [holding the Holy Hand Grenade] How does it, um — how does it work?
Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
Cleric: And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies into tiny pieces... in Thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu —
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Brother Maynard: Amen.
Knights: Amen.
Arthur: Right! [removes the Holy Pin] One!... Two!... FIVE!
Galahad: Three, sir.
Arthur: THREE!
[Arthur throws the Hand Grenade. A chorus of angels sing before it explodes, destroying the rabbit.]

Dennis: What I object to is you automatically treatin' me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well, I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, then? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
Dennis: We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as sort-of-executive officer for the week--
Arthur: Yes.
Dennis: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting--
Arthur: Yes, I see.
Dennis: By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs--
Arthur: [getting bored] Be quiet.
Dennis: But by a two thirds majority, in the case of more major--
Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Dennis' Mother: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Dennis' Mother: Well I didn't vote for you.
Arthur: You don't vote for kings!
Dennis' Mother: How'd you become king, then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, [Angel chorus begins singing in background] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [Angel chorus ends] That is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: Shut up! Will you shut up?! [Grabs Dennis and shakes him]
Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

Peasant 1: A witch! We have found a witch! Can we burn her?
Belvedere: How do you know that she is a witch?
Peasant 2: Because she looks like one!
Witch: I am not a witch! I am not a witch! They dressed me up like this, and this is not my nose it is a false one!
[Belvedere pulls off the false nose and opens his helmet]
Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose, and the hat.
Peasant 2: She has a wart.
Belvedere: Why do you think that she is a witch?
Peasant 2: Well, she turned me into a newt.
[Belvedere gives him a disbelieving look]
Belvedere: A newt?
[Silence]
Peasant 2: Well I got better.
Peasant 3: Burn her anyway.
[Yells of "Burn her!"]
Belvedere: There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Tell me, what do you do with witches?
Peasants: Burn them!
Belvedere: Now, what do burn besides witches?
Peasant 3: More witches! [receives a punch from Peasant 1; silence]
Peasant 2: Wood?
Belvedere: So, why do witches burn? [more silence]
Peasant 2: Because there made of wood?
Belvedere: So, how do you tell if she is made of wood?
Peasant 3: Build a bridge out of her!
Belvedere: Ah, but cant you also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 3: Oh, right.
Belvedere: Tell me, does wood sink?
Peasant 1: No, it floats.
Belvedere: What also floats in water?
[lots of yelling and many wrong and random answers including very small rocks]
King Arthur: A duck!
Belvedere: Exactly!
Peasant 2: So if she weighs as much as a duck she is made of wood.
Belvedere: And therefore?
Peasants: A witch!
Belvedere: We shall use my largest scales.
[Having been revealed to weigh the same as a duck, therefore proving her a witch, the crowd goes insane]
Witch: It's a fair cop.

Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man.
King Arthur: So be it!
[rounds of melee, with Arthur cutting off the left arm of the black knight.]
King Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: Tis but a scratch.
King Arthur: A scratch?! Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No it isn't.
King Arthur: Well what's that then? [Pointing to the knight's arm lying on the ground.]
Black Knight: I've had worse.
King Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on then, you pansy! [Charges Arthur, who chops the knight's remaining arm off.]
King Arthur: Victory is mine! [kneels and starts to pray] We thank thee Lord, that in thy-- [is kicked in the head by the armless knight.]
Black Knight: Come on then!
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: Have at you! [Kicks Arthur]
King Arthur: You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oohh, had enough, eh?
King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound. [Continues to kick and taunt Arthur]
King Arthur: Stop that!
Black Knight: Chicken! Chicken!
King Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg. [Recieves a very sharp kick] Right! [Chops off one of the black knight's legs]
Black Knight: Right! I'll do you for that!
King Arthur: You'll what?
Black Knight: Come here!
King Arthur: What are you going to do, bleed on me?!
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
King Arthur: You're a looney.
Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then. [Hopping on one leg towards King Arthur]
[King Arthur chops his other leg off, leaving his body upright on the ground.]
Black Knight: Alright, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur: Come, Patsy!
Black Knight: Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh?! You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!!
[Fade to black.]

King Arthur: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
[dramatic chord]
Old Crone: Who sent you?
Arthur: The Knights Who Say Ni.
Crone: Ah! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say--we will say--"ni".
Crone: Ah! Do your worst!
Arthur: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily, "ni"!
Crone: No! Never! No shrubberies!
Arthur: Ni!
Sir Belvedere: No! No!
Arthur: No, no, no, no, it's not that, it's "ni".
Belvedere: No!
Arthur: No, no, "ni". You're not doing it properly.
Belvedere: No! Ni!
Arthur: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
Arthur, Belvedere: Ni! Ni!
Roger: Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur: Er, yes.
Roger: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
King Arthur: Did you say shrubberies?
Roger: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
[slight pause]
Sir Belvedere: Ni!
King Arthur: [stops him] No! No, no, no! No!

Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor, I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Robin: Mangy Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!

Arthur: We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Guard: What, ridden on a horse?
Arthur: Yes.
Guard: You're using coconuts!
Arthur: What?
Guard: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging 'em together.
Arthur: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through —
Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: We found them.
Guard: Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!
Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard: Well, Mercia's a temperate zone!
Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Guard: ... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Arthur: Not at all. They could be carried.

Frenchman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! [makes taunting gestures at them]
Sir Galahad: What a strange person.
King Arthur: Now, look here, my good man--
Frenchman: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!