King of Swamp Castle: One day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?
King: No, not the curtains, lad.
King: I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started, all I had was swamp! Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em! It sank into the swamp, so I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. I built a third one. It burned down, fell over, and then it sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up! And that's what you're going to get, lad--the strongest castle on these islands!
King: Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
Prince Herbert: But I don't want land.
King: Listen, Alice--
Prince Herbert: Herbert.
King: Herbert. We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get!
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King: Don't like her? What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge [Gestures to his chest] tracts of land.
King: This is Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot! He is a very brave and influential knight and my special guest today.
Wedding guest #1: He's killed my auntie!
King: No, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who. We are here to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
Wedding guest #2: [Shout from back of hall] He's not quite dead!
King: Since the near-fatal wounding of her father--
Wedding guest #2: [Shout from back] He's getting better!
King: [Discreet nod to soldier] For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy black hand of death upon him.
[Scuffle at the back]
Wedding guest #2: [Shout from back] Oh, he's died!
King: I want his only daughter to look upon me as her own dad, in a very real, and legally binding sense.
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