Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes

23 total quotes (ID: 396)

A Blessing from the Lord
Dennis The Constitutional Peasant
End of the Film
English Castle
Frank the Historian
Inside the Cave
Opening credits
Roger the Shrubber
Swamp Castle
The Witch
The Black Knight
The Book of the Film
The Bridge of Death
The Castle Aaaaarrrgh
The Castle Anthrax
The Cave of Caerbannog
The Dead Collector
The French Castle
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
The Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni
The Knights Who Say Ni!
The Tale of Sir Robin
Tim the Enchanter

Dead Collector: Bring out yer dead. [Hits gong]
Large Man: Here's one.
Dead Collector: Ninepence.
Dead Body: I'm not dead!
Dead Collector: What?
Large Man: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
Dead Body: I'm not dead!
Dead Collector: 'Ere, he says he's not dead.
Large Man: Yes he is.
Dead Body: I'm not!
Dead Collector: He isn't!
Large Man: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
Dead Body: I'm getting betta!
Large Man: No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Dead Collector: I can't take 'im like that! It's against regulation!
Dead Body: I don't want to go on the cart!
Large Man: Oh, don't be such a baby!
Dead Collector: I can't take him.
Dead Body: I feel fine!
Large Man: Who's that then?
Dead Collector: I dunno. Must be a king.
Large Man: Why?
Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

[The Knights, along with Brother Maynard, venture into the cave and find the runes.]
Arthur: There! Look!
Lancelot: What does it say?
Galahad: What language is that?
Arthur: Brother Maynard! You are our scholar.
Brother Maynard: [studies the runes] It's Aramaic.
Arthur: What does it say?
Maynard: It says, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimethea: "He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
Arthur: What?
Maynard: '"...The Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
Bedevere: Where is that?
Maynard: He must have died while carving it.
Lancelot: [incredulous] Oh, come on!
Maynard: Well that's what it says.
Arthur: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaaaarrrgh'. He'd just say it!
Galahad: Perhaps he was dictating.

Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur: Oh, ow!
Head Knight: We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.
King Arthur: Well, what do you want?
Head Knight: We want a shrubbery!! [jarring chord]

God: [angel chorus plays] Arthur. Arthur, King of the Britons! [Arthur and the Knights grovel] Oh, don't grovel! [chorus stops] If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
King Arthur: Sorry.
God: And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "I'm sorry" this, and "forgive me" that, and "I'm not worthy"...

Minstrel: (singing) Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Sir Robin: No!
Minstrel: (singing) Bravely ran away away.
Sir Robin: I didn't!
Minstrel: (singing) When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin: No!
Minstrel: (singing) Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about.
Sir Robin: I didn't!
Minstrel: (singing) And gallantly he chickened out.
Sir Robin: I never did!
Minstrel: (singing) Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat.
Sir Robin: All lies!
Minstrel: (singing) Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!
Sir Robin: I never!

Frank the Historian: Defeat at the castle seemed to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the Quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest Knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did —
[A Knight rides by, killing Frank with his sword.]

Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!
[A magnificent castle stands before them.]
King Arthur: Camelot.
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Sir Lancelot: Camelot.
Patsy: It's only a model.

Police Sergeant: All right, sonny, that's enough. Just pack it here [He thrusts his hand at the lens of the camera as if to cover it and the picture explodes into static. Annoying music is then played for approximately six and a half minutes and the movie ends.].