Monty Python and the Holy Grail quotes

View Quote Lancelot: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Arthur: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
Monks: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Arthur: [holding the Holy Hand Grenade] How does it, um — how does it work?
Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments!
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
Cleric: And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies into tiny pieces... in Thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu —
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother.
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Brother Maynard: Amen.
Knights: Amen.
Arthur: Right! [removes the Holy Pin] One!... Two!... FIVE!
Galahad: Three, sir.
Arthur: THREE!
[Arthur throws the Hand Grenade. A chorus of angels sing before it explodes, destroying the rabbit.]

View Quote King Arthur: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
[dramatic chord]
Old Crone: Who sent you?
Arthur: The Knights Who Say Ni.
Crone: Ah! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
Arthur: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say--we will say--"ni".
Crone: Ah! Do your worst!
Arthur: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily, "ni"!
Crone: No! Never! No shrubberies!
Arthur: Ni!
Sir Belvedere: No! No!
Arthur: No, no, no, no, it's not that, it's "ni".
Belvedere: No!
Arthur: No, no, "ni". You're not doing it properly.
Belvedere: No! Ni!
Arthur: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
Arthur, Belvedere: Ni! Ni!
Roger: Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur: Er, yes.
Roger: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
King Arthur: Did you say shrubberies?
Roger: Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
[slight pause]
Sir Belvedere: Ni!
King Arthur: [stops him] No! No, no, no! No!

View Quote Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur: Oh, ow!
Head Knight: We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.
King Arthur: Well, what do you want?
Head Knight: We want a shrubbery!! [jarring chord]

View Quote God: [angel chorus plays] Arthur. Arthur, King of the Britons! [Arthur and the Knights grovel] Oh, don't grovel! [chorus stops] If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
King Arthur: Sorry.
God: And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "I'm sorry" this, and "forgive me" that, and "I'm not worthy"...

View Quote Minstrel: (singing) Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Sir Robin: No!
Minstrel: (singing) Bravely ran away away.
Sir Robin: I didn't!
Minstrel: (singing) When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin: No!
Minstrel: (singing) Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about.
Sir Robin: I didn't!
Minstrel: (singing) And gallantly he chickened out.
Sir Robin: I never did!
Minstrel: (singing) Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat.
Sir Robin: All lies!
Minstrel: (singing) Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!
Sir Robin: I never!

View Quote Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!
[A magnificent castle stands before them.]
King Arthur: Camelot.
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Sir Lancelot: Camelot.
Patsy: It's only a model.

View Quote Frank the Historian: Defeat at the castle seemed to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the Quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest Knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did —
[A Knight rides by, killing Frank with his sword.]

View Quote Police Sergeant: All right, sonny, that's enough. Just pack it here [He thrusts his hand at the lens of the camera as if to cover it and the picture explodes into static. Annoying music is then played for approximately six and a half minutes and the movie ends.].