Meet the Parents

Meet the Parents quotes

43 total quotes (ID: 779)

Gaylord 'Greg' Focker
Jack Byrnes
Pam Byrnes


Greg: Pam, I didn't know you had a cat.
Pam: Yeah, I left him here when I moved to Chicago.
Dina: Your daddy's found his new best friend. You won't believe it. He even taught him to use the potty.
Pam: He did? Dad, that's kinda weird, isn't it?
Jack: What's so weird about it? Now we don't have to smell kitty litter all the time. That's right.
Greg: That's incredible. How did you teach the cat to use the toilet?
Jack: Oh, that was easy, Greg. I just designed a litter box to put inside the toilet, and then once he got used to it, I took it away.
Greg: Yeah, makes sense.
Dina: But I don't think he likes it. I mean, every chance he gets, he tries to dig, squat and bury. I had to move all my potted plants off the floor.
Greg: Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up.
[The family stares at him blankly.]
Jack: He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and the opposable thumbs. Yeah.
[Long pause]
Greg: Ah, right. Opposable-- I didn't think about that.


[Greg appears at the breakfast table in his pajamas with a bedhead.]
Linda: Oh, look, somebody had a visit from the hair fairy.
Greg: Oh, yes.
Bob: Nice 'do, nice 'do.
Pam: I'll do the intros. Greg, this is my sister, Debbie.
Greg: Hi. Nice to meet you. Oh, the bride to be. Congratulations.
Pam: And her fiance. Dr. Bob.
Bob: You can call me Bob... M.D.
Pam: These are his parents, Linda Banks.
Linda: Hi. How are you?
Greg: Nice to meet you.
Pam: And the world-famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Larry.
Larry: Whoa, now, cut that out.
Jack: You know, Greg's in medicine, too, Larry.
Larry: Oh, really? What field?
Greg: Nursing.
[Larry and Bob laugh]
Bob: That's good.
Larry: No, really. What field?
Greg: Nursing.

Jack: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century, and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?
Greg: Of course, yeah.
Jack: Good. Keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.

Pam: What's the matter? You can't sleep?
Greg: No, no, I'm just going over some of my answers from the polygraph test your dad gave me.
Pam: Oh, no, he didn't.
Greg: Yeah, he did.
Pam: Well, did you lie to him?
Greg: No! I mean-- Well, he asked me if we were living together, and-
Pam: What'd you tell him?
Greg: I-I-I-- Nothing. Your mother walked in... and I yanked the little thingies off before I had to answer. Is this how you'd react if I told you he shoved bamboo shoots up my fingernails? Or does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?
Pam: Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.
Greg: What?
Pam: Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C.I.A. for 30 years.
Greg: How could you not tell me this?
Pam: I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly...on a need-to-know basis.
Greg: So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?
Pam: No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
Greg: Oh, that's great. Yeah. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.

Jack: Put your hands over there. That's it.
Greg: You're sick, you know that?
Jack: Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a male nurse?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a pothead?
Greg: No.
Jack: Have you ever smoked pot?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Because you love my daughter Pam?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Do you want to marry her?
Greg: I did, until I met you.
Jack: What does that mean?
Greg: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts...about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.
Jack: If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Greg: Would you lighten up a lot?
Jack: Yeah.
Greg: Yes or no?
Jack: Yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam...live our lives and not interfere all the time?
Jack: I promise not interfere in your lives all the time.
Greg: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Jack: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
Greg: Jack, yes or no?
Jack: Ever?
Greg: No!
Jack: Okay, yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Jack: Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess. If you married my daughter, would you support her...in the way that she deserves to be supported?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Would you be honest and faithful to her?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
Greg: Of course.
Jack: Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?

Greg: Oh, poor Kevin looks lonely.
Pam: Maybe I should ask him to dance. What do you think?
Greg: Sure. I bet he could, uh, whittle a private little dance floor for the two of you. [Chuckles] I'm serious. I saw some beech wood outside. He's very handy. He's an extremely handy and crafty craftsman. I shouldn't paint him with that brush, but--
Pam: Come on.
Greg: Seriously. Seriously. Part of you wishes you ended up with him.
Pam: Yes, he's very talented, but it would've never worked out.
Greg: Why not?
Pam: I was never in love with Kevin. I'm in love with you.
Greg: That's a good explanation.
Pam: Think so?
Greg: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Thought you'd like that.

Jack: Jinx is strictly a house cat. Can't let him outside because he lacks outdoor survival skills.
Greg: Okay.
Jack: [to Jinx] One of those things, isn't it, sweetheart?
Pam: I don't think Greg will be playing with Jinxy too much. He hates cats.
Greg: [Chuckles nervously] Pam, I don't hate cats. I don't-- I don't hate cats. I just happen to be more of a dog lover. Yeah, yeah.
Dina: [Mouthing] I am too.
Jack: Well, that's okay if you hate cats, Greg.
Greg: No! I don't. I don't hate cats at all.
Jack: That's okay. Just be honest about it. There's some things I hate.
Greg: I-- I'm being honest. Really? Like what?

Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

Jack: Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Greg: Yes, she did.
Jack: Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger.
Greg: I won't tell.
Jack: I'm just being humorous.
Greg: Huh. That was funny.
Jack: But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call... "the Byrnes family circle of trust." I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me... and round and round we go.
Greg: Okay. Understood.
Jack: Okay, good.

Jack: Oh, geez, I just realized something.
Dina: What?
Jack: Pam's middle name.
Dina: [unconcerned] Martha. [realizing] Oh, no.
Jack and Dina: Pamela Martha Focker.

Pam: So, uh, Greg, how's your job?
Greg: Um, good, Pam. Thanks for asking. I, uh, I recently got transferred to triage.
Dina: Oh, is that better than a nurse?
Pam: No, Mom, triage is a unit of the E.R. It's where all the top nurses work.
Greg: Well--
Pam: No, they do.
Jack: Not many men in your profession, though, are there, Greg?
Greg: No, Jack, not traditionally.
Jack: Mm-hmm.

All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what 13 months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.

Dina: Now Greg, you have a very unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it?
Greg: Oh, just like its spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.
Dina: F-Focker.
Jack: Hmm, Focker.

Jack: Just gotta do one more thing.
Dina: What's that?
Jack: Meet his parents.
Dina: Jack--
Jack: Honey, relax. I'm sure they're wonderful.
Dina: Good night, Jack.
[They turn out their lights.]
Jack: I mean, they'd have to be, right? To name their son Gaylord Focker.

Pam: Greg, sweetie, how you doing?
Greg: Oh, just fine, considering I desecrated your grandma's remains, found out you were engaged and had your father ask me to milk him. At least back then he was still talking to me. I can't believe you didn't tell me you were that close.
Pam: Who, Daddy and me?
Greg: No, Kevin and you.
Pam: Do we have to know everything about each other's pasts? You never told me about your cat-milking days in Motown.
Greg': That was a long time ago, Pam.
Pam: Yeah, okay, well, so was this. Kevin's and my connection was more physical than anything else.
Greg: Physical? Like what? Like you worked out together?
Pam: No, no, it was nothing, nothing. It was a stupid sexual thing.
Greg: Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go throw up now.