Meet the Parents

Meet the Parents quotes

43 total quotes (ID: 779)

Gaylord 'Greg' Focker
Jack Byrnes
Pam Byrnes


Dina: Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?
Jack: Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.
Greg: What? No! What-What-What poem?
Dina: You see, when Jack had to retire...for health reasons...
Jack: That's a bunch of malarky. Honey, I'm fine.
Dina: The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he...sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.
Pam: Please, we really wanna hear it.
Greg: Poem, poem. Please!
Jack: Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate...and put it next to the urn.
Greg: Nice.
Dina: It's very special.
Jack: "My Mother" by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven, but you were also an angel of God, and He needed you too. Selfishly I tried to keep you here...while the cancer ate away your organs...like an unstoppable rebel force. But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face...nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, until we meet...in heaven.
Pam: Daddy, that's beautiful.
Dina: It always gets me.
Greg: Amazing. So-So--So much love, yet also so much information.


[Greg appears at the breakfast table in his pajamas with a bedhead.]
Linda: Oh, look, somebody had a visit from the hair fairy.
Greg: Oh, yes.
Bob: Nice 'do, nice 'do.
Pam: I'll do the intros. Greg, this is my sister, Debbie.
Greg: Hi. Nice to meet you. Oh, the bride to be. Congratulations.
Pam: And her fiance. Dr. Bob.
Bob: You can call me Bob... M.D.
Pam: These are his parents, Linda Banks.
Linda: Hi. How are you?
Greg: Nice to meet you.
Pam: And the world-famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Larry.
Larry: Whoa, now, cut that out.
Jack: You know, Greg's in medicine, too, Larry.
Larry: Oh, really? What field?
Greg: Nursing.
[Larry and Bob laugh]
Bob: That's good.
Larry: No, really. What field?
Greg: Nursing.

Jack: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century, and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?
Greg: Of course, yeah.
Jack: Good. Keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.

Pam: What's the matter? You can't sleep?
Greg: No, no, I'm just going over some of my answers from the polygraph test your dad gave me.
Pam: Oh, no, he didn't.
Greg: Yeah, he did.
Pam: Well, did you lie to him?
Greg: No! I mean-- Well, he asked me if we were living together, and-
Pam: What'd you tell him?
Greg: I-I-I-- Nothing. Your mother walked in... and I yanked the little thingies off before I had to answer. Is this how you'd react if I told you he shoved bamboo shoots up my fingernails? Or does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?
Pam: Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.
Greg: What?
Pam: Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C.I.A. for 30 years.
Greg: How could you not tell me this?
Pam: I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly...on a need-to-know basis.
Greg: So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?
Pam: No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
Greg: Oh, that's great. Yeah. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.

Greg: Oh, poor Kevin looks lonely.
Pam: Maybe I should ask him to dance. What do you think?
Greg: Sure. I bet he could, uh, whittle a private little dance floor for the two of you. [Chuckles] I'm serious. I saw some beech wood outside. He's very handy. He's an extremely handy and crafty craftsman. I shouldn't paint him with that brush, but--
Pam: Come on.
Greg: Seriously. Seriously. Part of you wishes you ended up with him.
Pam: Yes, he's very talented, but it would've never worked out.
Greg: Why not?
Pam: I was never in love with Kevin. I'm in love with you.
Greg: That's a good explanation.
Pam: Think so?
Greg: Mm-hmm.
Pam: Thought you'd like that.

Jack: Put your hands over there. That's it.
Greg: You're sick, you know that?
Jack: Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a male nurse?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Are you a pothead?
Greg: No.
Jack: Have you ever smoked pot?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Because you love my daughter Pam?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Do you want to marry her?
Greg: I did, until I met you.
Jack: What does that mean?
Greg: I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts...about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.
Jack: If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Greg: Would you lighten up a lot?
Jack: Yeah.
Greg: Yes or no?
Jack: Yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam...live our lives and not interfere all the time?
Jack: I promise not interfere in your lives all the time.
Greg: Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Jack: Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
Greg: Jack, yes or no?
Jack: Ever?
Greg: No!
Jack: Okay, yes.
Greg: Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Jack: Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess. If you married my daughter, would you support her...in the way that she deserves to be supported?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Would you be honest and faithful to her?
Greg: Yes.
Jack: Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
Greg: Of course.
Jack: Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?

Jack: Jinx is strictly a house cat. Can't let him outside because he lacks outdoor survival skills.
Greg: Okay.
Jack: [to Jinx] One of those things, isn't it, sweetheart?
Pam: I don't think Greg will be playing with Jinxy too much. He hates cats.
Greg: [Chuckles nervously] Pam, I don't hate cats. I don't-- I don't hate cats. I just happen to be more of a dog lover. Yeah, yeah.
Dina: [Mouthing] I am too.
Jack: Well, that's okay if you hate cats, Greg.
Greg: No! I don't. I don't hate cats at all.
Jack: That's okay. Just be honest about it. There's some things I hate.
Greg: I-- I'm being honest. Really? Like what?

Jack: Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Greg: Yes, she did.
Jack: Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger.
Greg: I won't tell.
Jack: I'm just being humorous.
Greg: Huh. That was funny.
Jack: But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call... "the Byrnes family circle of trust." I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me... and round and round we go.
Greg: Okay. Understood.
Jack: Okay, good.

Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

Pam: So, uh, Greg, how's your job?
Greg: Um, good, Pam. Thanks for asking. I, uh, I recently got transferred to triage.
Dina: Oh, is that better than a nurse?
Pam: No, Mom, triage is a unit of the E.R. It's where all the top nurses work.
Greg: Well--
Pam: No, they do.
Jack: Not many men in your profession, though, are there, Greg?
Greg: No, Jack, not traditionally.
Jack: Mm-hmm.

Jack: Oh, geez, I just realized something.
Dina: What?
Jack: Pam's middle name.
Dina: [unconcerned] Martha. [realizing] Oh, no.
Jack and Dina: Pamela Martha Focker.

All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what 13 months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.

Dina: Now Greg, you have a very unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it?
Greg: Oh, just like its spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.
Dina: F-Focker.
Jack: Hmm, Focker.

Jack: Just gotta do one more thing.
Dina: What's that?
Jack: Meet his parents.
Dina: Jack--
Jack: Honey, relax. I'm sure they're wonderful.
Dina: Good night, Jack.
[They turn out their lights.]
Jack: I mean, they'd have to be, right? To name their son Gaylord Focker.

Pam: Greg, sweetie, how you doing?
Greg: Oh, just fine, considering I desecrated your grandma's remains, found out you were engaged and had your father ask me to milk him. At least back then he was still talking to me. I can't believe you didn't tell me you were that close.
Pam: Who, Daddy and me?
Greg: No, Kevin and you.
Pam: Do we have to know everything about each other's pasts? You never told me about your cat-milking days in Motown.
Greg': That was a long time ago, Pam.
Pam: Yeah, okay, well, so was this. Kevin's and my connection was more physical than anything else.
Greg: Physical? Like what? Like you worked out together?
Pam: No, no, it was nothing, nothing. It was a stupid sexual thing.
Greg: Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go throw up now.