Meet the Parents

Meet the Parents quotes

43 total quotes (ID: 779)

Gaylord 'Greg' Focker
Jack Byrnes
Pam Byrnes


[During the cellar interrogation scene] Have you ever watched...pornographic...videos?


[about the lost Jinx] We're supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?

I'd better get upstairs...and pay a little visit to the shower fairy.

Sorry, folks. Had to pay a little visit to the urinal fairy.

[Greg's forgotten to change his shoes before meeting Pam] That's okay, honey. You know I can't resist a man in nurse's shoes.

Dina: Now Greg, you have a very unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it?
Greg: Oh, just like its spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.
Dina: F-Focker.
Jack: Hmm, Focker.

Greg: Pam, I didn't know you had a cat.
Pam: Yeah, I left him here when I moved to Chicago.
Dina: Your daddy's found his new best friend. You won't believe it. He even taught him to use the potty.
Pam: He did? Dad, that's kinda weird, isn't it?
Jack: What's so weird about it? Now we don't have to smell kitty litter all the time. That's right.
Greg: That's incredible. How did you teach the cat to use the toilet?
Jack: Oh, that was easy, Greg. I just designed a litter box to put inside the toilet, and then once he got used to it, I took it away.
Greg: Yeah, makes sense.
Dina: But I don't think he likes it. I mean, every chance he gets, he tries to dig, squat and bury. I had to move all my potted plants off the floor.
Greg: Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up.
[The family stares at him blankly.]
Jack: He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and the opposable thumbs. Yeah.
[Long pause]
Greg: Ah, right. Opposable-- I didn't think about that.

Jack: Jinx is strictly a house cat. Can't let him outside because he lacks outdoor survival skills.
Greg: Okay.
Jack: [to Jinx] One of those things, isn't it, sweetheart?
Pam: I don't think Greg will be playing with Jinxy too much. He hates cats.
Greg: [Chuckles nervously] Pam, I don't hate cats. I don't-- I don't hate cats. I just happen to be more of a dog lover. Yeah, yeah.
Dina: [Mouthing] I am too.
Jack: Well, that's okay if you hate cats, Greg.
Greg: No! I don't. I don't hate cats at all.
Jack: That's okay. Just be honest about it. There's some things I hate.
Greg: I-- I'm being honest. Really? Like what?

Pam: So, uh, Greg, how's your job?
Greg: Um, good, Pam. Thanks for asking. I, uh, I recently got transferred to triage.
Dina: Oh, is that better than a nurse?
Pam: No, Mom, triage is a unit of the E.R. It's where all the top nurses work.
Greg: Well--
Pam: No, they do.
Jack: Not many men in your profession, though, are there, Greg?
Greg: No, Jack, not traditionally.
Jack: Mm-hmm.

Jack: Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids...and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience-- it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain...that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?
Greg: Sure, I think so.
Jack: No, the answer is you cannot.

Greg: [about the song Puff the Magic Dragon] Great song.
Jack: Yeah, one of my favorites.
Greg: Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?
Jack: What do you mean?
Greg: You know, the whole drug thing.
Jack: No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
Greg: Some people think that...to "puff the magic dragon" means to-- They're really, uh-- to smoke-- to smoke-- a marijuana cigarette.
Jack: Well, Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.
Greg: Right.
Jack: Are you a pothead, Focker?
Greg: No! No.
Jack: What?
Greg: No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm-- I'm not-- I-- I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time.
Jack: Yes or no, Greg?
Greg: No. Yes. No.

Jack: Greg, would you like to say grace?
Pam: Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that.
Jack: You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? [to Greg] Unless you have some objection.
Greg: No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table.
Pam: Okay.
Greg: O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle...and accommodating God. And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts...for the...smorgasbord...You have so aptly lain at our table this day...and each day...by day. Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly...day by day...by day. Amen. Amen.
Dina: Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
Jack: Thank you, Greg. That was interesting too.

Pam: You are the most adorable, loving, sweetest man in the whole world, and I love you. And very soon my parents are gonna see that...and grow to love you too, okay?
Greg: Okay. Speaking of growing to love you--
Pam: Honey, it's late. Come on.
Greg: I know it's late. But Mr. Winky is still on Chicago time, and we both know there's only one way to make Mr. Winky go away. [Knocking] And there it is.

Jack: I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century, and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?
Greg: Of course, yeah.
Jack: Good. Keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.

Jack: Oh, geez, I just realized something.
Dina: What?
Jack: Pam's middle name.
Dina: [unconcerned] Martha. [realizing] Oh, no.
Jack and Dina: Pamela Martha Focker.