MASH

MASH quotes

44 total quotes (ID: 374)

Col. Blake
Duke
Hawkeye
Hot Lips
Multiple Characters
Painless
Trapper John


Trapper John: Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch. Ham and eggs will all right. Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson: [Outraged] Oh! [She turns to leave and bumps into Nurse] Oh! Fool! [She stomps off]
Nurse: How do you want your steak cooked?


Trapper John: Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
Hawkeye: Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
Trapper John: Well, what, are those guys waiting to scrub his back or something?

Duke: Well, listen, uh, where were you when you were drafted? I was just curious.
Trapper John: Back home. I told you before.
Duke: No, I mean, what were you doing? Were you, like, a resident, or on staff someplace?
Trapper John: Mmm.
Duke: Where?
Trapper John: Hospital.
Duke: Which hospital?
Trapper John: Back home.
Duke: [To Hawkeye] Is there some reason I shouldn't know which hospital?
Hawkeye: I don't know. I will ask. Is there some reason my friend should not know the name of the hospital?
[Trapper pops his gum and shrugs.]
Hawkeye: There doesn't appear to be any reason. I've seen you somewhere before. I don't know your name, stranger, but your face is familiar. Have you always had that mustache?
[Trapper John smirks and shakes his head.]
Hawkeye: Hmm.

No. No food. Sex. I want sex. Bring me some sex. [The others call for Storch, but Trapper John points at Hot-Lips] No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one over there. That one. The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off! I want that one, yes. Take her clothes off and bring her to me now.

Hot Lips: That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.
Trapper John: So are you, sweetheart, but you don't know it.

Hawkeye: Duke, did I ever tell you how Androscoggin College beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard, six to nothing, because I intercepted a pass?
Duke: Yeah, you told me.
Hawkeye: They had this great passer, see? [Trapper John shrugs, smiling] And we held them nothing-nothing till the last 20 seconds, and then snow and all, he let one go. And it went sailing... boom!
Trapper John: Lucky your mouth wasn't open, it would have got stuck in your throat.
Hawkeye: Oh, baby! How are you, Trapper John McIntyre?
Trapper John: I thought you'd never remember.

Hot Lips: [About Hawkeye] I wonder how such a degenerated person ever reached a position of authority in the Army Medical Corps.
Father Mulcahy: He was drafted.

[Father Mulcahy tells Hawkey that Painless has a problem.]
Hawkeye: What do you mean? What is it?
Father Mulcahy: Well, what is it? It's difficult to talk about, you see, because I learned about his problem in confession.
Hawkeye: Oh, and you can't--
Father Mulcahy: I can't divulge...
Hawkeye: Can you give me a hint?

Me Lay Marston: Who are you?
Hawkeye: I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
[Trapper John grunts]

Duke: I'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
Hawkeye: I knew it! I knew you had a-- had an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan
Trapper John: Here! Here!
Duke: Go to hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. Besides she's-- I'll bet she's not a real blonde.
Hawkeye: How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army!
Duke: I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with 20 bucks, How's that?
Hawkeye: You have yourself a bet, sir. [To Trapper John] You're my witness.
Trapper John: I'll be your witness, but who's gonna be the poor schmuck who finds out?

Capt. Murrhardt: Painless is a dentist, and a dentist shouldn't read. That's his whole problem.

Cpl. Judson: [Sung for Painless] Suicide is painless / it brings on many changes / and I can take or leave it / if I please

Ho-Jon: Hawkeye? Duke say you better haul ass home quick. We got new chest cutter in our tent.

Capt. Bandini: Something in a marshmallow?

P.A. Announcement: Attention. Captain Banning - er, Captain Bandini. [Exhales forcefully] Attention. Captain Bandini is now performing a femoral pop-- a popli-- a p-- a femoral P-O-P-L-I-T-E-R-A-L artery expli - exp - - exploration and possible graft.