MASH quotes

View Quote Me Lay Marston: Who are you?
Hawkeye: I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually. This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
[Trapper John grunts]

View Quote Hawkeye: Nurse, you got a clamp?
Lt. Dish: Yes.
Hawkeye: Scratch my nose.

View Quote Who am I? I am the pro from Dover, and this [Indicates Trapper John] is my favorite caddy.

View Quote Oh, Frank, my lips are hot! Kiss my hot lips!

View Quote Oh, now damn it, Henry. Frank Burns is a menace! Every time a patient croaks on him, he says it's God's will or somebody else's fault.

View Quote [Father Mulcahy tells Hawkey that Painless has a problem.]
Hawkeye: What do you mean? What is it?
Father Mulcahy: Well, what is it? It's difficult to talk about, you see, because I learned about his problem in confession.
Hawkeye: Oh, and you can't--
Father Mulcahy: I can't divulge...
Hawkeye: Can you give me a hint?

View Quote [Watching as Frank Burns leaves] Fair is fair, Henry. If I nail Hot Lips and punch Hawkeye, can I go home?

View Quote [Frank Burns leaps over the mess table and tackles Hawkeye]
Hawkeye: Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke: What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye: Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John: Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye. That man is a sex maniac. I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!

View Quote I'm a fairy. A victim of latent homosexuality. I've turned into a fairy.

View Quote [As a helicopter attempts to land on the helipad where they are standing] I wish they wouldn't land those things here while we're playing golf.

View Quote Oh come off it, MAJOR! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... and under normal cir****stances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you're what we call a regular army clown.

View Quote [Trying to convince Lt. Dish to sleep with Painless.] You have the rare privilege that happens on certain occasions to chief executives of states or nations. You have the privilege of restoring a human being's life by a tender act of mercy.

View Quote Well, you know, Man o' War, after they retired him from racing, they put him out to stud. And he had, on an average, uh about a hundred and twenty, a hundred and thirty foals every year. And he lived to be thirty-six. And then when he died, they did an autopsy, and they found out that he was a raving queen.

View Quote This isn't a hospital, it's an insane asylum!

View Quote [Gathered at Painless's suicide feast.]
Duke: Now then, y'all come here to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
Trapper John: Farewell Walt.
Duke: Dear ol' Walt. You know, I got an idea that maybe it's not such a final farewell after all. I think maybe ol' Walt's going on into the unknown to do a little recon work for us all.
Hawkeye: I just-- I just wanna say one thing. Uh, nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission. He volunteered for certain death.
Duke: That's true.
Hawkeye: That's what we award our highest medals for.
Duke: That's beautiful.
Hawkeye: That's what being a soldier is all about.
Trapper John: Oh yeah.
Capt. Bandini: Here! Here!