Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes

69 total quotes (ID: 353)

Barry the Baptist
Multiple Characters
Rory Breaker

We're gonna do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of London illuminated. I want that house painted red.

If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got, I suggest you get those shooters. Quick!

Lock, stock, the ****in' lot.

[Trying to stop his monitor switching off] Come on! Not now, please, not - [monitor goes off] Oh, you ****ing bastard.

Hatchet Harry: I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets.

Winston: Alarm bells are ringing Willy.

Barfly Jack: Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny-looking ****er I know, but you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's busted, so he's gone down the battle-cruiser to watch the end of the football game. No one's watching the custard so he switches the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens and he wanders up and turns the Liza over, "Now **** off and watch it somewhere else." He knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, and plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. "That's ****ing it," says the geezer. "That's ****ing what?" says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil.

J.D.:You're lucky you're still breathing. Let alone able to walk. I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.

Dog: Golf - the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two.

Eddie: They're armed.
Soap: What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Eddie: Err, bad breath, colourful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!

Nick the Greek: Weed?
Tom: Nah, it's not normal weed. Some ****ed-up skunk, class A, can't-think-let-a-lone-move shit.
Nick the Greek: Doesn't sound good to me.
Tom: Well, neither me, but it depends what flicks your switch, and the light is on and burning brightly for the masses. ... Anyway, do you know anyone?
Nick the Greek: I know a man, yes.... Rory Breaker.
Tom: Not that mad-man with an Afro. I don't want anything to do with him.
Nick the Greek: You won't have to, just get me a sample.
Tom: Ahh, no can do.
Nick the Greek: What's that? A place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate.
Tom: Look, it's all completely chicken soup.
Nick the Greek: It's what?
Tom: It's kosher. As Christmas.
Nick the Greek: The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.
Tom: Well, never mind that. We're gonna need some artillery too. Couple of sawn-off shot-guns
Nick the Greek: This is a bit heavy. This is London, not the Lebanon, who do you think I am?
Tom: Think you're Nick the Greek.

Gary: Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shots?
Barry the Baptist: Oh, you must be the brains then. Yes, that's right, guns that fire shots.

Winston: Charles,why have we got that cage?
Charles: Uh,security.
Winston: That's right, that's right - security. So what's the point in having it if we're not goin' ****ing use it?
Charles: Well I would've used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here.
Winston: Yes but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door did you?
Willie: Chill Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem?
Winston: The problem Willie is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep the ****ing cage locked! What is that?
Willie: That's Gloria.
Winston: Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that?
Willie: Fertilizer.
Winston: You went out six hours to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing Willie.
Willie: We need fertilizer Winston.
Winston: Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer could be a bit more subtle.
Willie: What do you mean?
Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-****ing-culturist! That's what I mean Willie.

Plank: [gets hit with an air rifle] Ah! They ****ing shot me!
Dog: Well, shoot 'em back!
Plank: [shoots wildly]
John: Jesus, Plank, couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a bloody thi - Ah! Shit! I've been shot!
Dog: I don't ****ing believe this! Can everyone stop gettin' shot?

Little Chris: ****in' hell John, do you always walk around with this in your pocket?
Big Chris: Hey! You use language like that again son, you'll wish you hadn't!