Soap Oi! Keep your fingers out of my soup!
Played by Dexter Fletcher 
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) · 79 quotes
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998) · 79 quotes
Tied for most-quoted character in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels (1998): in 16 of its 79 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom (7), Eddie (5), Bacon (5)
A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.
More lines from Soap
5 quotes Soap Soap You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not.
Soap Guns for a show, knives for a pro
Soap Mother! Brother! Any other sucker! They're still **** guns! And they still fire **** bullets!
Soap Cupid, stupid!
Scenes with Soap
10 scenesThey're armed.
Soap What do you mean armed? Armed with what?
Err, bad breath, colourful language, feather duster... what do you think they're gonna be armed with? Guns, you tit!
Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse.
Soap I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.
You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.
Soap Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.
Will you two stop flirting for a minute?
Soap Where the **** are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery.
Where did they get those outfits?
Tom, Bacon
Not a bad idea, that.
Soap Rory Breaker? That psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?
That would be the same man, yes.
Soap Have a look at these. [hands Tom a ski mask]
What are we supposed to do with these?
Soap Put them on your head, stupid.
Christ.
Soap If you think I'm turning up clean-shaven and greet them with a grin, you've got another thing coming. These fellas are your neighbors. I thought it might be a good idea to disguise ourselves.
Right...er, good thinking, Soap. Well done.
Soap I brought weapons as well.
What do you mean weapons?
Soap [pulls a bundle from his coat and unrolls it, revealing many large knives]
These.
Jesus! [grabs the bundle and rerolls it] Let's keep 'em covered up, eh? Couldn't you get anything bigger?
Soap [pulls a machete from his trousers]
] What, like that? What d'you think?
I think you need help.
Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.
Soap Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, ****-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.
Soap, is there something we should know about you?
I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.
Soap When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.
Bacon, see what we've got.
Let's have a butcher's, eh?
[He inspects the loot]
We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.
What?
I think he's still alive -- he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?
I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!
Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?
I don't know! Use your imagination!
I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? You knock him out.
I **** hate traffic wardens.
[After a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless.]
The odds are a hundred to one. All we need is five grand.
Soap I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse. The odds are a hundred to one for a good reason, Bacon. It won't win!
Listen to this one: You open a company called the Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club.
Soap You what?
You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, you sell it with, I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", "the latest and greatest in sexual technology", "guaranteed results or your money back", all that bollocks. Now these dils cost twenty-five quid a pop - as a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients. But they send their cheques to the other company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five quid. You take that twenty-five quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears. Now this is the smart bit - you send back the cheque for twenty-five pound from the other company name, "Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club", saying, "We're sorry, we couldn't get the supplies from America because they run out of stock". Now you see how many people cash that cheque - not a single soul, because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not paying cheques?
So how long do you have to wait until you see a return?
Probably no more than four weeks.
A month? So, what **** good is that if we need it in six - no, five days?
Well, it's still a good idea.
Soap Where'd you get these? A **** museum?
Nick the Greek.
How much did you part with?
700 for the pair.
Soap Drachmas, I hope. I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick. These are gonna do more harm than good.
