Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes

View Quote Soap, stop being such a mincer.

View Quote There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.

View Quote They're lacking in a criminal credibility, ain't they? I might get laughed at.

View Quote Listen to this one: You open a company called the Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club. You take out an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, you sell it with, I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", "the latest and greatest in sexual technology", "guaranteed results or your money back", all that bollocks. Now these dils cost twenty-five quid a pop - as a snip for the amount of pleasure they're gonna give the recipients. But they send their cheques to the other company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five quid. You take that twenty-five quid, you stick it in the bank until it clears. Now this is the smart bit - you send back the cheque for twenty-five pound from the other company name, "Arse Tickler's ****s Fan Club", saying we're sorry, we couldn't get the supplies from America because they ran out of stock. Now you see how many people cash that cheque - not a single soul, because who wants their bank manager to know they tickle arse when they're not paying cheques?

View Quote It's a deal, it's a steal, it's a sale of the ****ing century! In fact, **** it, Nick, I think I'll keep it.

View Quote I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past!

View Quote Let me tell you about Hatchet Harry. Once there was this geezer called Smithy Robinson, who worked for Harry. It was rumoured that he was on the take. Harry's invited Smithy round for explanation. Smithy didn't do a very good job. Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag. Reached out for the nearest thing at hand which happened to be a 15-inch black rubber ****. He's then proceeded to batter poor Smithy to death with it. Now, that was seen as a pleasant way to go, hence, Hatchet Harry is the man you pay if you owe.

View Quote A minute ago this was the safest job in the world. Now it's turning into a bad day in Bosnia.

View Quote Oi! Keep your fingers out of my soup!

View Quote You're not funny, Tom. You're fat, and look as though you should be, but you're not.

View Quote Guns for a show, knives for a pro

View Quote Mother! Brother! Any other sucker! They're still ****ing guns! And they still fire ****ing bullets!

View Quote If you hold back anything, I'll kill ya. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill ya. If you forget anything I'll kill ya. In fact, you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Now do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill ya. Now, Mr. Bubble-and-Squeak, you may enlighten me.

View Quote Get Nick, that greasy wop, shistos, pesevengi, gamouri Greek bastard, if he's stupid enough to still be on this planet.

View Quote What do you want a medal? I'll shoot you in the ****ing throat if I don't get my ganja back!