Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events quotes

View Quote Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.

View Quote Klaus: Aunt Josephine?
Violet: Never heard of her.
Klaus: Doesn't it strike you odd that none of our relatives are related to us?

View Quote Count Olaf: Now that we're family, I can make it up to you. I can be the ultimate dad!I know lets stop for a treat. Soda, soda, banana.
Sunny: "Bite me."
Count Olaf: Got it.

View Quote I realize that my humble abode isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon, and I think it'll be quite charming once it's finished. (Leans forward menacingly) Shall we take a look?

View Quote You know, it's a big, big world out there. Filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across and ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow cast by my accomplishments. But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two luvverly children and your hideous primate. All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

View Quote Everything happens for a reason.

View Quote (To the children) You're not afraid of heights are you? (Points to Sunny and laughs) Imagine that: a monkey afraid of heights!

View Quote Hello, hello, hello.

View Quote Klaus: That man is Count Olaf, He tried to flatten us with a train.
Detective: Where would that man get a train?
Stephano: Yeah, where would I get a train??

View Quote Mr. Poe: Count Olaf? What are you doing here?
The Detective: Please, Mr. Poe. (to Olaf) Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?

View Quote Do you have a hall pass? I didn't think so.

View Quote Violet, I think you better tie up your hair...

View Quote Uncle Monty: Do you have any experience with children?
Stephano: Ah. Well, children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

View Quote I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.

View Quote And I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth. And bravery and nobility will prevail at last. And this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony. And everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littlest Elf! A happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?