Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events quotes

View Quote Mr. Poe: I'm sorry, Count Olaf. Allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car is simply not good parenting.
Klaus: He tried to kill us!
Mr. Poe: Let us not exaggerate, Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear.
Count Olaf: [to Mr. Poe] May I have a moment alone with the children?
[Mr. Poe nods head in agreement]
Count Olaf: Goodbye, kids. It's been fun (leans farther into car window, whispers) I'm going to get you. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll find you. (light menacing laugh) You are so deceased. (turns from car, puts eye drops in eye, turns to Mr. Poe) Take them, Mr. Poe... before I lose it, big time.(quivers bottom lip)

View Quote Everything happens for a reason.

View Quote Count Olaf: Now that we're family, I can make it up to you. I can be the ultimate dad!I know lets stop for a treat. Soda, soda, banana.
Sunny: "Bite me."
Count Olaf: Got it.

View Quote I realize that my humble abode isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon, and I think it'll be quite charming once it's finished. (Leans forward menacingly) Shall we take a look?

View Quote Klaus: Aunt Josephine?
Violet: Never heard of her.
Klaus: Doesn't it strike you odd that none of our relatives are related to us?

View Quote Hello, hello, hello.

View Quote You know, it's a big, big world out there. Filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across and ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow cast by my accomplishments. But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two luvverly children and your hideous primate. All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

View Quote Klaus: That man is Count Olaf, He tried to flatten us with a train.
Detective: Where would that man get a train?
Stephano: Yeah, where would I get a train??

View Quote Violet, I think you better tie up your hair...

View Quote (To the children) You're not afraid of heights are you? (Points to Sunny and laughs) Imagine that: a monkey afraid of heights!

View Quote Mr. Poe: Count Olaf? What are you doing here?
The Detective: Please, Mr. Poe. (to Olaf) Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?

View Quote Let's go back to prehistoric times when dinosaurs ruled the earth! [starts acting like a dinosaur and making dinosaur sounds]

View Quote [Fog horn blows]
Mr. Poe: Children, is that you?
Klaus: Mr. Poe, we're-
Count Olaf: (interrupting) Drowning. (sticks Klaus' head in water, brings it back up then turns toward water) Back to the depths, you fingery devils! (turns to Klaus) You will not devour this boy's head today. (hugs Klaus close to him)
Mr. Poe: Count Olaf, what are you doing here?
Dectective: Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?
Count Olaf: I know, I know. I shouldn't have come. But when I heard the children were in danger, I had to. Even if I'm not...(turns away, makes downcast face)...fit to be their guardian.
Mr. Poe: It appears I was wrong about you, Count Olaf
Klaus and Violet: NO!
Sunny: NO!

View Quote Do you have a hall pass? I didn't think so.

View Quote I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.