Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events quotes

41 total quotes (ID: 787)

Count Olaf
Klaus Baudelaire
Lemony Snicket
Violet Baudelaire


Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): (to Violet) Are you jigging, me girl? (to Aunt Josephine) Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one, most important thing in this here world to me.
Aunt Josephine: It is?
Sunny: (baby talk) Is she desperate?
Count Olaf: It's the whole ball of wax. The entire kit and caboodle. Why, without your good gammar, the whole darn shooting match could go arse over tea kettle.
Aunt Josephine: Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.
Count Olaf: I can flip it up and rub it down, too. But of course, that'd be entirely up to you, ma'am.


It's the letter, the letter that never came. (reading letter) Dearest Children, Since we have been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, where you're older, you will learn all about the people we've befriended, and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may, in-fact be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other with kindness, and bravery, and selflessness as you always have. And remember one thing my darlings and never forget it - that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family, and you are home. Your loving parents.

Stephano: Hello. I am looking for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery. I am Stephano. I am an Italian man and I am here to assist him in his research, as best I can. As well as to facilitate and remain observatory.
Violet: Count Olaf.
Stephano: Oh. Now why would you say something like that? I have never met such a person as a Count Olaf, but if I had, I'm sure he would look and sound completely different.
Klaus: You're Olaf, and we're not letting you in.
Stephano: [stabs door] Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate your hypothesis. [sees Uncle Monty] Anyway, that's why you should never run with one of these, kids.
Uncle Monty: Words of wisdom indeed, Mr. Stephano.
Stephano: Oops, you caught me being a mentor.

Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): Captain Sham, at your service.
Klaus: He's lying! He's Count Olaf!
Aunt Josephine: That horrible man you warned me about? Where? Who?
Violet: Right in front of you!
Count Olaf: Where's he at?
Aunt Josephine: Behind Captain Sham?
Klaus: No!
Count Olaf: I'll show him a thing or two. I'll give him the old "wax on, wax off," me son.
Klaus: Captain Sham is Count Olaf! I am not going through this again! (knocks over Count Olaf)
Count Olaf: Children of the corn!

Uncle Monty: I had a wife, and children...before the fire...
Klaus: A fire?
Uncle Monty: I may know better than anyone what you're going through. But it's gonna be alright. We'll be with people who can understand us, people who are like us, people who can appreciate unique and wonderful children who can invent and read and...bite things.
Violet: Uncle Monty...why are you doing all this?
Uncle Monty: [Shrugs] Isn't that what family does?
Lemony Snicket: "And so, the Baudelaire children went to Peru, and together had wonderful adventures under the care of their wonderful and loving new guardian. The End." These are the words I so desparately wish I could write. Oh, I would give anything to say the story ends here. However, my duty is not to weave up happy endings where they do not occur, but report the actual events in the lives of the Baudelaire children. And much as it pains me, I am sorry to say the children's problems were just beginning and it did so with two musical notes.
[Doorbell rings]

Mr. Poe: Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremly unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this but your parents have just perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home.
Lemony Snicket: "If you have already lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels. If you haven't? You can't possible imagine."
Count Olaf: Ah! My dear...(looks at stick figures of the children with names on his hands) Violet. Au' chan terr?
Violet: How do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus. (grabs Klaus' face, and looks at each side of it) Young Klaus. Your left side is the good one. (begins to mess with Klaus' bottom lip, then notices Sunny) And, uh...what is this?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm Sunny.
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak... *monkey*! (Mimicing a baby) Banana?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm *not* a monkey!

Klaus: You're not getting a cent until Violet turns 18.
Count Olaf: Oh really? Says who?
Klaus: The law. Look it up!

Mr. Poe: Arrest him!
Detective: Why?
Mr. Poe: For being a greedy monster!
Count Olaf: I'm the monster? No. You're the monster. These children tried to tell you but you didn't listen to them, no one ever listens to children. This document says that I have the fortune now AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

(While showing the children his house) The kitchen! I know what you're thinking: "This place could use a little TLC". I trust you've had your tetanus shots. Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

Lemony Snicket: (narrating) I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...
Count Olaf: Orphans!
Lemony Snicket: (narrating) ... they were correct.

Klaus: Violet, you better tie your hair up.
[Camera pans out reveling what's left of the house being supported by single beam]
Klaus: Uh... Violet? Ideas?

Violet: On three, we're gonna break that beam.
Klaus: Break it?.
Violet: Yes
Klaus: That's the only thing keeping us up.
Violet: Exactly.
Klaus: Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?

You know, it's a big, big world out there. Filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across and ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow cast by my accomplishments. But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two luvverly children and your hideous primate. All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.

Count Olaf: (after showing the children to their "room") And this is where you'll sleep, time permitting. Nighty-night!
Violet: But the sun's still up!
Count Olaf: (mocking) "But the sun's still up!"

Hello, hello, hello.

It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise. The children's grief was not only for their uncle, but for that tender hope that they might have found home again. A hope which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

Count Olaf: Now that we're family, I can make it up to you. I can be the ultimate dad!I know lets stop for a treat. Soda, soda, banana.
Sunny: "Bite me."
Count Olaf: Got it.