Klaus Baudelaire quotes

These things don't just happen.

Violet, I think you better tie up your hair...

Everything happens for a reason.

Mr. Poe: I'm sorry, Count Olaf. Allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car is simply not good parenting.
Klaus: He tried to kill us!
Mr. Poe: Let us not exaggerate, Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear.
Count Olaf: [to Mr. Poe] May I have a moment alone with the children?
[Mr. Poe nods head in agreement]
Count Olaf: Goodbye, kids. It's been fun (leans farther into car window, whispers) I'm going to get you. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll find you. (light menacing laugh) You are so deceased. (turns from car, puts eye drops in eye, turns to Mr. Poe) Take them, Mr. Poe... before I lose it, big time.(quivers bottom lip)

Klaus: Violet, you better tie your hair up.
[Camera pans out reveling what's left of the house being supported by single beam]
Klaus: Uh... Violet? Ideas?

Violet: On three, we're gonna break that beam.
Klaus: Break it?.
Violet: Yes
Klaus: That's the only thing keeping us up.
Violet: Exactly.
Klaus: Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?

Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): (to Violet) Are you jigging, me girl? (to Aunt Josephine) Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one, most important thing in this here world to me.
Aunt Josephine: It is?
Sunny: (baby talk) Is she desperate?
Count Olaf: It's the whole ball of wax. The entire kit and caboodle. Why, without your good gammar, the whole darn shooting match could go arse over tea kettle.
Aunt Josephine: Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.
Count Olaf: I can flip it up and rub it down, too. But of course, that'd be entirely up to you, ma'am.

Mr. Poe: Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremly unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this but your parents have just perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home.
Lemony Snicket: "If you have already lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels. If you haven't? You can't possible imagine."
Count Olaf: Ah! My dear...(looks at stick figures of the children with names on his hands) Violet. Au' chan terr?
Violet: How do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus. (grabs Klaus' face, and looks at each side of it) Young Klaus. Your left side is the good one. (begins to mess with Klaus' bottom lip, then notices Sunny) And, uh...what is this?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm Sunny.
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak... *monkey*! (Mimicing a baby) Banana?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm *not* a monkey!

Klaus: You're not getting a cent until Violet turns 18.
Count Olaf: Oh really? Says who?
Klaus: The law. Look it up!

[Fog horn blows]
Mr. Poe: Children, is that you?
Klaus: Mr. Poe, we're-
Count Olaf: (interrupting) Drowning. (sticks Klaus' head in water, brings it back up then turns toward water) Back to the depths, you fingery devils! (turns to Klaus) You will not devour this boy's head today. (hugs Klaus close to him)
Mr. Poe: Count Olaf, what are you doing here?
Dectective: Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?
Count Olaf: I know, I know. I shouldn't have come. But when I heard the children were in danger, I had to. Even if I'm not...(turns away, makes downcast face)...fit to be their guardian.
Mr. Poe: It appears I was wrong about you, Count Olaf
Klaus and Violet: NO!
Sunny: NO!

Count Olaf: Now that we're family, I can make it up to you. I can be the ultimate dad!I know lets stop for a treat. Soda, soda, banana.
Sunny: "Bite me."
Count Olaf: Got it.

Uncle Monty: I had a wife, and children...before the fire...
Klaus: A fire?
Uncle Monty: I may know better than anyone what you're going through. But it's gonna be alright. We'll be with people who can understand us, people who are like us, people who can appreciate unique and wonderful children who can invent and read and...bite things.
Violet: Uncle Monty...why are you doing all this?
Uncle Monty: [Shrugs] Isn't that what family does?
Lemony Snicket: "And so, the Baudelaire children went to Peru, and together had wonderful adventures under the care of their wonderful and loving new guardian. The End." These are the words I so desparately wish I could write. Oh, I would give anything to say the story ends here. However, my duty is not to weave up happy endings where they do not occur, but report the actual events in the lives of the Baudelaire children. And much as it pains me, I am sorry to say the children's problems were just beginning and it did so with two musical notes.
[Doorbell rings]

Stephano: Hello. I am looking for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery. I am Stephano. I am an Italian man and I am here to assist him in his research, as best I can. As well as to facilitate and remain observatory.
Violet: Count Olaf.
Stephano: Oh. Now why would you say something like that? I have never met such a person as a Count Olaf, but if I had, I'm sure he would look and sound completely different.
Klaus: You're Olaf, and we're not letting you in.
Stephano: [stabs door] Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate your hypothesis. [sees Uncle Monty] Anyway, that's why you should never run with one of these, kids.
Uncle Monty: Words of wisdom indeed, Mr. Stephano.
Stephano: Oops, you caught me being a mentor.

Uncle Monty: Do you have any experience with children?
Stephano: Ah. Well, children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.

Klaus: That man is Count Olaf, He tried to flatten us with a train.
Detective: Where would that man get a train?
Stephano: Yeah, where would I get a train??

Klaus: Aunt Josephine?
Violet: Never heard of her.
Klaus: Doesn't it strike you odd that none of our relatives are related to us?

Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): Captain Sham, at your service.
Klaus: He's lying! He's Count Olaf!
Aunt Josephine: That horrible man you warned me about? Where? Who?
Violet: Right in front of you!
Count Olaf: Where's he at?
Aunt Josephine: Behind Captain Sham?
Klaus: No!
Count Olaf: I'll show him a thing or two. I'll give him the old "wax on, wax off," me son.
Klaus: Captain Sham is Count Olaf! I am not going through this again! (knocks over Count Olaf)
Count Olaf: Children of the corn!

Mr. Poe: Arrest him!
Detective: Why?
Mr. Poe: For being a greedy monster!
Count Olaf: I'm the monster? No. You're the monster. These children tried to tell you but you didn't listen to them, no one ever listens to children. This document says that I have the fortune now AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

[During marriage scene during Count Olaf's play]
Critic: She doesn't deserve him. (blots eyes)
Detective: (in agreement, shakes head)No.
Critic: Are you thinking that?
Detective: She doesn't.

Mr. Poe: Count Olaf? What are you doing here?
The Detective: Please, Mr. Poe. (to Olaf) Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?

Count Olaf: (after showing the children to their "room") And this is where you'll sleep, time permitting. Nighty-night!
Violet: But the sun's still up!
Count Olaf: (mocking) "But the sun's still up!"

Lemony Snicket: (narrating) I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...
Count Olaf: Orphans!
Lemony Snicket: (narrating) ... they were correct.

The Detective: (to Violet) Little girl, the big cage door is open. No snake. Dead guy. You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking who woke me up at nine in the morning for this?

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