Hot Fuzz quotes

View Quote [after Nicholas has been shown around the police station]
Frank Butterman: Well, that's just about everything. Unless there's anything you're unclear about?
Nicholas Angel: Yes, sir, why is everyone eating chocolate cake?
Frank Butterman: The Black Forest gatteux is on Danny as punishment for his little indiscretion.
Nicholas Angel: Sir, I don't think driving under the influence can be called 'a little indiscretion.'
Frank Butterman: No, the gatteux is for misplacing his helment last week. Last night's incident will require something rather more serious.
Nicholas Angel: Good.
Frank Butterman: Do you like ice cream?
Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry sir, I don't follow.
Frank Butterman: Let's just say we won't be short of Chunky Monkey for the next month!
Danny Butterman: Dad!
Frank Butterman: Now, since it's your first day and it's half past eleven, I'd say that's lunch.

View Quote Nicholas Angel: I didn't mean to upset the apple cart.
DS Andy Cartwright: [sarcastic] Yeah, cause we all sell apples round here, don't we?
Danny Butterman: Your dad sells apples, Andy.
DC Andy Cartwright: And raspberries.
DS Andy Wainwright: I bet you can't wait to jump into Sergeant Popwell's grave.
Nicholas Angel: I'm not jumping into anyone's grave.
[DC Andy Wainwright drinks some of his beer, leaving a white trail over his large mostache]
Nicholas Angel: You've got a moustache.
DC Andy Wainwright: I know.

View Quote Danny Butterman: Have you seen a lot of action, Sergeant Angel?
Nicholas Angel: I've experienced my fair share, yes.
Danny Butterman: You cook any fools?
Nicholas Angels: What?
Danny Butterman: Did you shoot anyone?
DS Andy Wainwright: He shot a crackhead with a Kalashnikov.
Danny Butterman: [impressed] Caw, where'd you get that?
Nicholas Angel: The offender had the Kalashnikov.
Danny Butterman: [impressed] Caw, where'd he get that?

View Quote Danny Butterman: What was it like bein' stabbed?
Nicholas Angel: It was the single most painful experience of my life.
Danny Butterman: What was the second most painful?

View Quote DC Andy Cartwright: Everybody and their mums is packin' round here.
Nicholas Angel: Like who?
DS Andy Wainwright: Farmers.
Nicholas Angel: Who else?
DC Andy Cartwright: Farmers' mums.

View Quote Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever been involved in a high speed car chase?
Nicholas Angel: Yes I have.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed car chase?
Nicholas Angel: No!

View Quote [whilst giving a presentation to a gathering of school children]
Nicholas Angel: Police work is as much about preventing crime as it is about fighting crime. Most importantly it is about procedural correctness in the exercising of unquestionable moral authority. Any questions?
[Danny puts up his hand]
Nicholas Angel: [sotto] Yes?
Danny Butterman: Is it true that there is a place in a man's head that if you shoot it, it will blow up?
[Angel gives Danny a filthy look]

View Quote Peter Ian Staker: [on the phone, politely] Morning, the swan's escaped.
Nicholas Angel: [looking around the office, certain it is a prank] The swan's escaped. Right, and where has the swan escaped from, exactly?
Peter Ian Staker: The castle.
Nicholas Angel: Oh yeah, and who might you be?
Peter Ian Staker: Mr. Staker. Mr. Peter Ian Staker.
Nicholas Angel: [annoyed] PI Staker? Right, pisstaker! Come on!
[cut to Angel, standing outside the castle in front of Peter Ian Staker]
Nicholas Angel: Yes Mr. Staker, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it?
Peter Ian Staker: It's about two-feet tall, long slender neck, kinda orange and black bill...
Nicholas Angel: Anything else?
Peter Ian Staker: Well... it's a swan.

View Quote [watching an elderly man in a large, thick coat pass by]
Nicholas Angel: What about this guy?
Danny Butterman: [surprised] Mr. Treacher?
Nicholas Angel: Yeah, why has he got that big coat on? He can't be cold, why the extra layer? Maybe he's trying to hide something.
Danny Butterman: Mr. Treacher?
[Nicholas turns his attention to a young man in a purple track suite, who's cap is pulled down over the top of his face]
Nicholas Angel: Okay, what about this guy? Why has he got his hat pulled down like that?
Danny Butterman: He's ****-ugly.
Nicholas Angel: Or he doesn't want you to see his face.
Danny Butterman: BECAUSE he's ****-ugly.
Nicholas Angel: [turning his attention to yet another suspicious character, this time a tall, muscular brute] What's his story?
Danny Butterman: Oh, that's Lurch.
Nicholas Angel: Go on.
Danny Butterman: He's a trolley boy at the local supermarket.
Nicholas Angel: Uh-huh.
Danny Butterman: Real name Michael Armstrong.
Nicholas Angel: Mmm-hmm.
Danny Butterman: Dad says he's got a child's mind.
Nicholas Angel: Okay.
Danny Butterman: He lives up Summer Street with his mum and his sister.
Nicholas Angel: And are they as big as he is?
Danny Butterman: Who?
Nicholas Angel: The mum and the sister?
Danny Butterman: Same person.

View Quote [Discussing Point Break]
Danny Butterman: Have you ever seen Point Break?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Amazing bit in Point Break where they jump over fences.
Nicholas Angel: Is there now.
Danny Butterman: Patrick Swayze has just robbed this bank, and Keanu Reeves is chasin' him through peoples' gardens, and then he goes to shoot Swayze but he can't because he loves him so much and he's firin' his gun up in the air and he's like 'ahhh!'
Nicholas Angel: Yep.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired your gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'?
Nicholas Angel: No I have not fired my gun up in the air and gone 'ahhh'!

View Quote Tim Messenger: Sergeant Angel, Hi hi. Quick word for the Sandford Citizen?
Nicholas Angel: Uh, it was very enjoyable.
Tim Messenger: 'Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers'?
Nicholas Angel: I don't think so.
Tim Messenger: 'Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up to Teen Suicide'?
Nicholas Angel: That's just grossly inappropriate.
[Nicholas and Danny have just chased down a speeding vehicle. Nicholas confronts the driver, Martin Blower and his partner Eve Draper]
Martin Blower: Was I going a tad fast, officer?
Nicholas Angel: [reading his license] Yes you were Mister... Blower.
Martin Blower: Well now you see, we are staging a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and we're a little late for the dress rehersal. I'm playing the eponymous hero. Romeo, not Juliet.
[he sees that Nicholas is copying down everything that he is saying on his notepad]
Martin Blower: What are you writing?
Nicholas Angel: Everything you're saying, I might need to refer to it later.
Martin Blower: Now officer, I am a respected solicitor so there's no need to-- just stop writing now. Look, I am merely trying to explain why I might have exeeded the speed limit.
Nicholas Angel: [reading from his notepad] You're playing the male lead in a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and you're late for the dress rehersal. Do you think this is a good enough reason to travel at 48 in a 30 zone?
Martin Blower: But I--
Nicholas Angel: To flout speed limits specifically put in place to save lives?
Martin Blower: Oh, now this is preposterous!
Nicholas Angel: [writing] 'Preposterous.'
Martin Blower: [exasperated] Just stop WRITING!
Nicholas Angel: 'Stop writing.'

View Quote Sergeant Tony Fisher: Must have hit the sign at some speed. Took the whole top off.
PC Doris Thatcher: I've had my top off in this lay-by. Ha ha!
PC Bob Walker: Tits.
Sergeant Tony Fisher: Most likely lost control here, left the road there, and ended up... here.

View Quote [Nicholas has chased down the young man in the purple track suit, named Peter ****er, who has stolen some cookies]
Nicholas Angel: You do not have to say anything, however it may harm your defence if you fail to mention when questioned something you later rely on in court. Anything you do say can be given in evidence.
[Danny finally catches up to them]
Peter ****er: Hi Danny.
Danny Butterman: [gasping] Hi Pete.
Nicholas Angel: Do you know this man?
Danny Butterman: Yeah, he's Auntie Jackie's sister's brother's boy.
Nicholas Angel: And it didn't occur to you to mention this before?
Danny Butterman: Couldn't see his face, could I? Not made of eyes!

View Quote [after arresting Peter ****er for shoplifting, he takes him back to the station]
Sergeant Tony Fisher: Impressive Collar. Shame Mr. Skinner doesn't wanna press charges.
Nicholas Angel: What do you mean, he doesn't wanna press charges?
Simon Skinner: [suddenly appears and starts offering the cookies that Peter stole to the police staff] I'm simply suggesting that young Peter be given a second chance, before he becomes just another crime statistic. I'm sure he's going to learn a valuable lesson.
Sergeant Tony Fisher: Stealing biscuits is... wrong?
Simon Skinner: [offering him a cookie] Correct.
Sergeant Tony Fisher: [eagerly] Oh, thanks!
Nicholas Angel: And yet we respond by not taking a single punitive measure?
Simon Skinner: [smiling with ill-concealed sarcasm] Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Sergeant Tony Fisher: [chuckles childishly whilst scoffing a cookie] It's like the biscuits, isn't it? [chuckles]
Nicholas Angel: Mr. Skinner--
Frank Butterman: Is everything all right?
Nicholas Angel: Well sir, Mr. Skinner feels that it would be better not to prosecute an individual who has committed a blatant offence.
Frank Butterman: [whilst eating dessert] Leave this with me. I'll make sure everyone gets their just desserts.
Music Cue: Oh no!

View Quote Danny Butterman: What made you wanna be a policeman?
Nicholas Angel: [correcting him] Officer.
Danny Butterman: What made you wanna be a policeman-officer?
Nicholas Angel: I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer, except in the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek; he was a sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode round in it every second I was awake, arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young but, it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.
Danny Butterman: Sounds like a good bloke.
Nicholas Angel: Actually he was arrested for selling drugs to students.
Danny Butterman: What a ****.
Nicholas Angel: Probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never forgot the sense of right and wrong I learned behind the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prove to myself that the law was proper, and righteous, and for the good of human kind.
Danny Butterman: Shame.
Nicholas Angel: How so?
Danny Butterman: I think you'd have made a great Muppet.