Happy Gilmore quotes

View Quote I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets harder to leave. I bet you put something to the water.

View Quote Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball... if you can find it.

View Quote This is Shooter's tour!

View Quote You will not make this putt... ya jackass!

View Quote Hey Gilmore! You suck, ya Jackass!

View Quote Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.

View Quote Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, she got hit by a car, she's dead.

View Quote Crazy Old Lady: Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
[Happy pours fast food over the woman's head]
Happy Gilmore: Here, eat that and leave us alone!

View Quote Mover #1: I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy Gilmore: Give me the stupid club. Look at this stupid thing.
Mover #1: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, you like that?
[Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
Mover #1: Holy shit.
Happy Gilmore: Go back to work.
Mover #1: That house is like 400 yards away.
Happy Gilmore: Is that good?
Mover #1: That's unbelieveable.
Mover #2: Beginner's luck. Twenty buck says you can't do it again.
Happy Gilmore: Bring it on.
[Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
Distant neighbor: You guys are going to pay for that! Ow!
Mover #1: You hit that guy.
Happy Gilmore: He shouldn't have been standing there.
Mover #2: One more time, double or nothing.
Happy Gilmore: You better pay up.
[Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
Happy Gilmore: Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.

View Quote Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator bit my hand off!
[Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Happy Gilmore: Oh, my God!
Chubbs: Yeah. Tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just popped up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of that bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
[Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
Happy Gilmore: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.

View Quote Grandma: Sir, um, can I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps put me to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.

View Quote Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let's go.
[Happy punches Bob in the face]
Happy Gilmore: You like that old man? You want a piece of me?!
Bob Barker: [shakes his head as he get up from the ground] I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!
Happy Gilmore: The price is wrong, bitch!
[Bob chokes happy and punches him 3 times]
Bob Barker: I think you've had enough. No?
[Bob kicks Happy in the face]
Bob Barker: Now you've had enough, bitch!

View Quote Happy Gilmore: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.

View Quote Virginia: [stopping Happy from fighting Shooter] Hey, hey, hey, hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore: That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin: Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams did have a beard.

View Quote Mr. Larson: [after Shooter hits the ball off Mr. Larson's foot] That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.