Happy Gilmore quotes

View Quote If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

View Quote [to Virginia] You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.

View Quote [to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch.

View Quote [to alligator that has eaten his ball] That son of a bitch. Give me my ball, give it here! Cough it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I'm gonna--give the ball, alligator. Hey, you've got one eye! Chubbs. You took his hand!

View Quote [after an air conditioning vent falls on an old lady] Uh, you know that "Mista, Mista" lady? Well, I think I just killed her.

View Quote [sucking up to Chubbs] I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.

View Quote You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... ya jackass!

View Quote Shooter! Wanna go to the Sizzler and catch some grub?

View Quote Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole.

View Quote Bob Barker: Alright, Happy. Nice and easy... That was not nice and easy.

View Quote Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they suck.

View Quote Chubbs: Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbour the accountant, probably a great golfer, huge ass.
Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbour the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbour the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy Gilmore: And how would I do that?
Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.

View Quote Happy Gilmore: [after hitting a hole-in-one] He shoots, he scores! Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Chubbs: Good plan.

View Quote Virginia: Did you see that?
Shooter McGavin: Yes. Nice shot.
Virginia: He just got a hole-in-one on a par four!
Shooter McGavin: I know. I just said I saw it.
Virginia: [laughs] Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball that far - oh, he could really draw a crowd.
[Virginia walks away smiling]
Shooter McGavin: [under his breath] You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.

View Quote Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. What do ya think?
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.