Happy Gilmore quotes

During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.

[to Virginia] You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.

Yeah, it is about time! I mean I just couldn't get the ball in the hole! I wanted to but I just couldn't do it! [Pulls guys shirt and punches him in the face]

[to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch.

Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?

You son of a bitch ball! Why don't you just go home?! That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass, ball!

[to alligator that has eaten his ball] That son of a bitch. Give me my ball, give it here! Cough it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I'm gonna--give the ball, alligator. Hey, you've got one eye! Chubbs. You took his hand!

[after an air conditioning vent falls on an old lady] Uh, you know that "Mista, Mista" lady? Well, I think I just killed her.

[sucking up to Chubbs] I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.

[clown laughter] I hate that clown. [Happy succeeds in getting the ball in the clown's mouth] Yeah! [clown head spits ball back out and starts laughing again] You're gonna die, clown! [Happy proceeds to break off the clown's nose with his putter] You think that's funny?! I don't hear you laughing now!

Happy learned how to putt, uh-oh!

Somebody's closer!

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