Happy Gilmore quotes

53 total quotes

Donald
Happy Gilmore
Mr. Larson
Multiple Characters
Shooter McGavin

View Quote you know yesterday I saw two big fat bikers having sex in the woods....how am i supposed to CHIP with that going on?!

View Quote Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.

View Quote Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.

View Quote Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.

View Quote Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time on the sand than David Hasselhoff.

View Quote Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What's that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so.

View Quote Happy Gilmore: I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter McGavin: Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let's do it, then!
Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course!
Virginia: Hey! What's going on?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.
Virginia: Why don't you just put it down?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, I know.

View Quote Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

View Quote During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.

View Quote Yeah, it is about time! I mean I just couldn't get the ball in the hole! I wanted to but I just couldn't do it! [Pulls guys shirt and punches him in the face]

View Quote Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?

View Quote You son of a bitch ball! Why don't you just go home?! That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass, ball!

View Quote [clown laughter] I hate that clown. [Happy succeeds in getting the ball in the clown's mouth] Yeah! [clown head spits ball back out and starts laughing again] You're gonna die, clown! [Happy proceeds to break off the clown's nose with his putter] You think that's funny?! I don't hear you laughing now!

View Quote Happy learned how to putt, uh-oh!

View Quote Somebody's closer!