Half Baked quotes

View Quote Brian: Get some...sour cream and onion chips, with some dip, man. Some beef jerkey, some peanut butter. Get some Hagen-Dagz ice-cream bars. A whole lotta of chocolate. Gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, pink popcorn. GRAHAM CRACKERS!!! Graham crackers with the marshmallows. Little marshmallows with little chocolate bars and we'll make some s'mores man. Celery, grape jelly, Captain Crunch with the little crunch berries, pizzas, we need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, water, a whole lotta water and.......Funyuns.

View Quote Thurgood: I'm here today because I'm addicted..to marijuana.
Rehab patient: You in here 'cuz of marijuana?! Man, this is some BULLSHIT!
Bob Saget/Cocaine addict: Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck d*ck for coke.
Rehab patient: I seen him do it!
Bob Saget/Cocaine addict: Now that's an addiction, man. You ever suck some d*ck for marijuana?
Thurgood: No, I can't say I have.
Bob Saget/Cocaine addict: I didn't think so.

View Quote Brian: Lady, you want seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.
Woman: Uh-uh. He autographed it himself...
Brian: Okay, I'll give you four.

View Quote Samson: Delilah, get me "eight fourteen".
Delilah: [to another woman] Eight fourteen.
Thurgood: [whispers to Scarface and Brian] What the ****s "eight fourteen"?
[she pulls out a crossbow]
Thurgood: AH! I'm sorry y'all, I don't want to be the first **** to die from a crossbow.

View Quote Scientist: Janitor? Uh, janitor?
[taps Thurgood, who gets frightened]
Thurgood: Ah! Oh..sorry 'bout that. What is it, scientist?
Scientist: I know this isn't your responsibility but, uh, could you be a dear and run this down to the supply department for me? It's on the second floor. [hands Thurgood a note]
Thurgood: Just run this down?
Scientist: Yes, but make sure you bring the order right back to me. I need it A.S.A.P.
Thurgood: Gotcha. Hey, I know this isn't your responsibility but just wipe the rest of this shit up [hands him a mop] I'll be right back.

View Quote Thurgood: Yea. Um, So how long's [your dad] been in [jail]?
Mary Jane: Four years next month.
Thurgood: Four years. And what exactly was he selling?
Mary Jane: Marijuana.
Thurgood: FOUR YEARS JUST FOR WEED?! DAMN!
Mary Jane: Just? No, no, no, no. Not just. Marijuana is terrible. It's a gateway drug. I mean, everybody knows that it leads to other stuff.
Thurgood: Yeah, mostly junk food.

View Quote Sir-Smokes-Alot: I want to talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden!

View Quote I, myself, am a master of the custodial arts..or a janitor if you wanna be a dick about it.

View Quote Sir-Smokes-Alot: I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, bitch!

View Quote Kenny: [to police horse] Hey girl, you hungry?
Overweight woman: [walking by] **** you, ****!

View Quote I'm sexy... I'm a scholar... people like me

View Quote Kenny: Ya hear that? I'm somebody's bitch!

View Quote Nasty Nate: So the next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some ****tail...FRUIT!

View Quote Samson: I'm gonna take your little Mexican friend here and I'm gonna kill him.
Scarface: I'm Cuban, b!
Samson: Yes, Cuban b!

View Quote [Kenny is on his way out to get munch]
Kenny: Hey, if I`m not back in 10 minutes call the police.
Thurgood: If hes not back in 10 minutes, we're calling Dominoes!